For my own personal record, I believe I am, right now, in the healthiest mindset I've ever been in my life.
Things bother me so much less than they did even a few days ago.
I've done a lot of stupid things and had a lot of trouble letting go and putting myself first. And now I feel like I don't care if people like me or not. I'm not changing for anyone anymore. I'm not trying to please anyone.
And I can choose who is in my life and who isn't.
And I can go anywhere, wherever I want to go and do things I have always wanted to do.
I'm rediscovery where I left off, so long ago. I lost myself, almost. I remember how much I wanted to go to the west coast, before I got into a relationship. And I think I may go, really, if only to do something that I've always wanted to do.
I'm listening to the music I last liked before getting into a mess. The Strokes, The Shins, The Libertines... I am a different person now, but the songs help reconnect me to so many lost parts and lost dreams and desires and thoughts. I'm truly getting better.
Someone told me that you have to hit rock bottom before getting better, and I think I thought I hit it before, but I didn't until a few days ago, in NYC, when I realized how out of whack and out of touch with what I want I was... and how much I was willing to screw over myself for ridiculous things. I don't want to get into it though.
I spent most of the train ride home listening to my iPod and having wonderful realizations that I have control over my life. That people can't really hurt me unless I let them. That I was trying to keep close the people I shouldn't, and pushing away people who have truly cared about me. I can't quite explain it. The point is, fuck, I have really never felt this good, this fucking in touch with everything.
I think I'm going to move out west.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Leaving on a Jet Plane?
I'm pretty out of it and I don't have my glasses/contacts helping me see what I'm typing, so forgive me if I don't make much sense.
I think I'm sick of NYC. I sort of want to move elsewhere.
I can't really figure out what is best for me right now. Part of me is sick of the crowds and needing to live so far away from Manhattan and still pay so much.
For the price I'd pay to live in a semi-rough neighborhood that is ugly, I could live on the outskirts of San Francisco and have beaches and spring-like weather all year round.
I don't know, on the other hand I am sort of running. But I feel like running, really. I've reached a point of being sick of the usual and needing to know myself in a city where that's impossible (or at least very hard right now). I get so overwhelmed by the crowds and ugliness that I tend to never go out. I mean, yeah, I could tackle that whole issue, but seriously I am sick of self-improving and just want to be in a pretty place, meet new people, and figure out what I want and be away from the old rut and get a new rut or something, I don't know.
Then again, part of me feels like there is no city like NYC and I am just beginning to finally figure it out and meet wonderful new people, and that I'm just being really silly and running away because my feelings were hurt a little and rather than admit that (really admit it) and deal with it, I'd rather start a completely new life.
Fuck I don't know what I want, though I never really do, and when I do know what I want, it is most usually the wrong thing.
Oh yeah, and I have to drop out of school because my parents can't really pay for it and I don't think loans are a good idea for me, and I'd rather go back to school when I can pay for it myself and not have to keep starting and stopping.
I think I'm sick of NYC. I sort of want to move elsewhere.
I can't really figure out what is best for me right now. Part of me is sick of the crowds and needing to live so far away from Manhattan and still pay so much.
For the price I'd pay to live in a semi-rough neighborhood that is ugly, I could live on the outskirts of San Francisco and have beaches and spring-like weather all year round.
I don't know, on the other hand I am sort of running. But I feel like running, really. I've reached a point of being sick of the usual and needing to know myself in a city where that's impossible (or at least very hard right now). I get so overwhelmed by the crowds and ugliness that I tend to never go out. I mean, yeah, I could tackle that whole issue, but seriously I am sick of self-improving and just want to be in a pretty place, meet new people, and figure out what I want and be away from the old rut and get a new rut or something, I don't know.
Then again, part of me feels like there is no city like NYC and I am just beginning to finally figure it out and meet wonderful new people, and that I'm just being really silly and running away because my feelings were hurt a little and rather than admit that (really admit it) and deal with it, I'd rather start a completely new life.
Fuck I don't know what I want, though I never really do, and when I do know what I want, it is most usually the wrong thing.
Oh yeah, and I have to drop out of school because my parents can't really pay for it and I don't think loans are a good idea for me, and I'd rather go back to school when I can pay for it myself and not have to keep starting and stopping.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Lived in Bars
I feel amazing today. It's the first time in awhile. Like, a long while. I don't trust it enough to think it's nothing but fleeting, but hell I'm gonna enjoy it. I'm listening to Lived in Bars by Cat Power on repeat and feeling like I can do anything.
I banned myself from Facebook for a week, as it was becoming a distraction from the right things.
I finally finished watching every episode of Friends, which sounds like lame, but it was amazing because for a long time I've been completely intolerant to scenes of love, whether in real life or on TV. But by watching every episode, I became attached to the characters enough to actually cry happy tears when they got married, had babies, whatever. Haha now that sounds really lame. But whatever works and makes me happy, I'll take.
Molly is coming to CT on Friday, and I'm seriously so excited about it. Like, I'm far more excited about seeing her than I am about Christmas. I haven't seen her in years, and it's a dang tragedy.
I've been practicing singing. I really want to do an open mic with some Cat Power covers. It sucks because I'm not trained enough to have a powerful voice, but my range and general tone are so fitting to be singing some jazzy powerful songs, but without lack of power I sound like a drugged Marilyn Monroe.
I've been meeting some amazing guys, like one who played guitar with Elliott Smith, and I give myself credit for not jumping into anything. I'm really taking a chill pill of sorts and realizing that in my last relationship I attempted to solve a lot of my flawed feelings by simply ignoring them, which definitely doesn't work. Most of those flawed feelings come from issues with myself, and with not having a solid enough foundation. That's why it generally takes me longer to get over stuff. I've been investing too much of my identity in relationships.
I am so, so excited about theater classes. I'm so excited. Like I know I really want to do this. I'm hearing that Hunter has a terrible theater department, which of course makes me very nervous. Everyone is recommending Brooklyn College, but I really don't want to go there. Flatbush simply holds too many memories... which is a bit weird, because I don't feel like any other neighborhood holds too many memories to be able to hang around there on a daily basis. I mean, maybe being on the actual blocks I've lived before are a bit too much to handle on a daily basis, but the neighborhoods, no. Maybe it's because the other neighborhoods have enough things I love about them to cancel out any overly emotional sentimental drawbacks. Or maybe it's because Flatbush was the very first neighborhood in NYC I really experienced. I know not, and now I'm rambling.
Anyway, I feel good. Really fucking good. And that's all.
I banned myself from Facebook for a week, as it was becoming a distraction from the right things.
I finally finished watching every episode of Friends, which sounds like lame, but it was amazing because for a long time I've been completely intolerant to scenes of love, whether in real life or on TV. But by watching every episode, I became attached to the characters enough to actually cry happy tears when they got married, had babies, whatever. Haha now that sounds really lame. But whatever works and makes me happy, I'll take.
Molly is coming to CT on Friday, and I'm seriously so excited about it. Like, I'm far more excited about seeing her than I am about Christmas. I haven't seen her in years, and it's a dang tragedy.
I've been practicing singing. I really want to do an open mic with some Cat Power covers. It sucks because I'm not trained enough to have a powerful voice, but my range and general tone are so fitting to be singing some jazzy powerful songs, but without lack of power I sound like a drugged Marilyn Monroe.
I've been meeting some amazing guys, like one who played guitar with Elliott Smith, and I give myself credit for not jumping into anything. I'm really taking a chill pill of sorts and realizing that in my last relationship I attempted to solve a lot of my flawed feelings by simply ignoring them, which definitely doesn't work. Most of those flawed feelings come from issues with myself, and with not having a solid enough foundation. That's why it generally takes me longer to get over stuff. I've been investing too much of my identity in relationships.
I am so, so excited about theater classes. I'm so excited. Like I know I really want to do this. I'm hearing that Hunter has a terrible theater department, which of course makes me very nervous. Everyone is recommending Brooklyn College, but I really don't want to go there. Flatbush simply holds too many memories... which is a bit weird, because I don't feel like any other neighborhood holds too many memories to be able to hang around there on a daily basis. I mean, maybe being on the actual blocks I've lived before are a bit too much to handle on a daily basis, but the neighborhoods, no. Maybe it's because the other neighborhoods have enough things I love about them to cancel out any overly emotional sentimental drawbacks. Or maybe it's because Flatbush was the very first neighborhood in NYC I really experienced. I know not, and now I'm rambling.
Anyway, I feel good. Really fucking good. And that's all.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
School Schedule Spring 2009
MONDAY:
9:45-11:00
Acting I
11:10-12:00
German II
12:10-2:00
Intro to Theatre
2:45-4:00
Black Experience Lit
Tuesday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory
Wednesday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory
11:10-12:00
German II
12:10-1:00
Intro to Theatre
Thursday:
9:45-11:00
Acting I
11:10-12:00
German II
2:45-4:00
Black Experience Lit
Friday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory
Total Credits: 15.
9:45-11:00
Acting I
11:10-12:00
German II
12:10-2:00
Intro to Theatre
2:45-4:00
Black Experience Lit
Tuesday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory
Wednesday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory
11:10-12:00
German II
12:10-1:00
Intro to Theatre
Thursday:
9:45-11:00
Acting I
11:10-12:00
German II
2:45-4:00
Black Experience Lit
Friday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory
Total Credits: 15.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
silly music survey done with an online radio
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
pretty woman- roy orbison
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Finger poppin'-- ike & tina turner
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
proud mary- creedence clearwater revival
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
what makes the monkey dance-- chuck prophet
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
blue indian-- widespread panic
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
alice- tom waits
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
all along the watchtower- bob dylan
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
first glimmer- paul westerberg
WHAT IS 2+2?
go tell the women- grinderman
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
ballad of a lonely man- mike ness
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
imagine-- john lennon
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
venus in furs-- the velvet underground
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
i'm a man- bo diddly
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
i love to boogie- t rex
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
hawaii five-o--the ventures
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
longest days-- john mellencamp
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
venus-- frankie avalon
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
she belongs to me-- bob dylan
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
empty words-- blackmore's night
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
in a moment-- ray davies
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
too much love will kill you-- queen (yeah this is uncanny)
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
senseless fun-- dramarama
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
at the mercy- paul mccarthney
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
compute-- soulwax
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
wildwood flower-- mike ness
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
bone machine-- pixies
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
up all night-- widespread panic
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
blue norther-- something quartet (im getting lazy)
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
kicks-- paul revere and the somethings im lazy
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
here comes the sun-- the beatles
pretty woman- roy orbison
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Finger poppin'-- ike & tina turner
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
proud mary- creedence clearwater revival
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
what makes the monkey dance-- chuck prophet
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
blue indian-- widespread panic
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
alice- tom waits
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
all along the watchtower- bob dylan
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
first glimmer- paul westerberg
WHAT IS 2+2?
go tell the women- grinderman
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
ballad of a lonely man- mike ness
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
imagine-- john lennon
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
venus in furs-- the velvet underground
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
i'm a man- bo diddly
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
i love to boogie- t rex
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
hawaii five-o--the ventures
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
longest days-- john mellencamp
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
venus-- frankie avalon
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
she belongs to me-- bob dylan
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
empty words-- blackmore's night
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
in a moment-- ray davies
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
too much love will kill you-- queen (yeah this is uncanny)
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
senseless fun-- dramarama
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
at the mercy- paul mccarthney
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
compute-- soulwax
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
wildwood flower-- mike ness
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
bone machine-- pixies
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
up all night-- widespread panic
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
blue norther-- something quartet (im getting lazy)
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
kicks-- paul revere and the somethings im lazy
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
here comes the sun-- the beatles
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