These Days

Relocation

2009-05-06T13:11:00.002-04:00

So I've more or less relocated to tumblr: http://bushyloft.tumblr.com/

I'll still post here from time to time.

I guess I'll do a short post now. I'm very tired. I spent sunday morning in the hospital in morningside heights after being carried out of a columbia dorm on a stretcher. food poisoning. and my heart rate was twice what it is supposed to be, so they thought i was about to have a heart attack. they kept giving me fluids and benzos and shit but i really just wanted to go home so i checked myself out and went home. today is the first day i feel almost 100 percent better. oh, new york, why do you only deal me drama lately?

Pomegranate my ass!

2009-05-01T01:19:00.002-04:00

Smirnoff Pomegranate Twists SUCK ASS. I just turned 21 at midnight and I celebrated with a 6 pack and I can't even finish the second one. It is CHERRY FUCKIN' COUGH MEDICINE. I don't taste pomegranate. And I found out each one has the calorie contents of like, a rather fulfilling meal.

So yeah, I'm 21.... can't wait to celebrate it with my best friend Mike on Saturday. It's going to be awesome. My first trip back to NYC in a tiny tiny bit over 3 months. That's insane. I've never gone that long without NYC since... August 2005. Actually no, I believe I wasn't allowed to travel back to NYC after that August... so I guess it was January 2006, when I first moved to the city.

The biggest drawback of drinking is definitely the need to pee every 5 minutes.

Division

2009-04-16T12:05:00.003-04:00

I hear your songs in waves through nightmares
Made to touch me, your words have improved.
I wish we could be just friends but make love through art--
My breath on your music, your dick in my prose.

I took all the drugs, wrote poetry about you and daddy issues
While dreaming to Joy Division, nostalgic for something I never even had.
Love will tear us apart, again...
Could there be truth in that, my dear?

You know me, though I've made it a fact to change
To disguise myself from you
I'm the wolf dressed as a sheep, as a grandma, as your worst enemy.
Baby don't let love tear us apart.

Please don't let love tear us apart, this time.
I don't want any lover, I just want your company.
I think of you every day.
But that doesn't mean enough, does it?

Our history won't allow us to be platonic.
Too much love made in ghost cars to Sonic Youth.
We were a hot mess, you and I.
It seems like now we don't have a choice, for awhile.

We have a long way to go
Our separate ways are the hardest ways
I'm getting stronger for you, in the future Marty.
I hope you are doing the same.

Please don't let love tear us apart.

I got a few more years of playing
Louise Brooks with a coke nose
You got a few more years of playing
Brad Pitt with a guitar.

It'll all be over soon.
One day we'll get high on scales and rhymes.
You know I'll always love and despise you,
As soulmates often do.

Love will tear us a new one
Again.

Yay

2009-04-04T23:41:00.001-04:00

Your result for The Fashion Icon or Fashion Freak Test...

The Artsy Soul

You scored 24 points out of 40 on Wacky and 33 points out of 52 on Tasteful! Well done!

Nor Fashion Icon, nor Fashion Freak.

Well done! You scored high on Tastefulness! Indeed, that's a nice result, since this test wasn't the easiest one for sure. You have a well developed sense for fashion and stylish garment. Either you're interested in fashion trends or it's a natural thing, because most of your answers were surprisingly accurate. There's some room for improvements though.

You also scored high on Wacky, which allows me to assume that you're a creative and stylish person with a distinctive taste for clothing or The Artsy Soul! I'd guess that there's no place for black on the list of your favourite colours, right? You're way more likely to be seen wearing something bright, original and striking. You know your limits though, and you would never let yourself go beyond them, which means that there's no risk of turning into a Fashion Disaster.

See All The Categories

Take The Fashion Icon or Fashion Freak Test at HelloQuizzy

Things I Love

2009-03-21T09:46:00.005-04:00

Guava shisha. There's this place right off Tompkin Square Park that has decently priced hookahs and they have guava shisha. The best part is that they also have really fresh, authentic guava juice. Pairing the guava juice with the guava shisha was one of the best decisions I've made in my life. Sad? Perhaps.

Devendra Banhart's music has the power to make me cry. It also has the power to motivate me more than nearly anything else. I live on top of a huge hill, and I mean like a gigantic, steep, scary, extremely long hill (actually it is a mountain), and recently I decided to go walking down, then back up, the hill after months of sitting on my ass doing nothing. I listened to Devendra Banhart on my iPod, and I swear it gave me the strength to keep going when I seriously thought I was having a heart attack. Plus he just has one of the most beautiful auras about him... he seems to have a beautiful spirit.

Buenos Aires. I've never been (haven't been out of the country besides an hour spent in Canada), but if I had the financial means, you can bet I'd be on the next plane there. Argentina fascinates me. I wish all neighborhoods had such brightly colored buildings.

Mascara on bottom lashes. You can do a lot of cool things with it, such as only putting mascara on the bottom lashes and leaving the rest of the eye bare, or using white eyeliner to line the whole eye, then using black mascara on the bottom and top lashes (I did this for a futuristic themed New Year's Eve party).

The Spring 2009 line from Jeremy Scott called "Let Them Eat Gas" is spectacular. It's just really fucking cool. And that's all I have to say about that, in the words of the great Forrest Gump.

Copenhagen, Denmark is one of those places that I'm scared to visit because I think I might never want to come back. It's so gorgeous and seems quite happening.
~*~
On other notes:

Another sleepless night. Another 48 hours of not wanting anything more than a paying job so I can get back to NYC.

Above, you see the view from Astoria Park in Queens. It still ranks as one of my favorite places in the world. That used to be practically my backyard. I miss Astoria more than most people know. It was probably the first place I ever fell head over heels in love with. I mean, the East Village means a lot to me because it was the first place I lived in NYC, because of my dorm room, but it wasn't the same as Astoria... it was the first place I ever had my own apartment, the first place I had to pay rent on... I took so much pride in the neighborhood, even if the apartment was seriously the biggest piece of shit you could think of (especially considering how every August it would, literally, flood with shit, as in fecal material). Rent is so high there now, I don't think I'll be able to return til quite some time, and I think it'll never be the same... for many reasons.

Sometimes sleep deprivation can be far more trippy than most drugs. Sometimes I wonder if it is my favorite drug. Sometimes I think I might be addicted. Feeling woozy for a few days, beginning to see things, thinking loopy, completely out of the ordinary, but for me, lately, some of my most insightful moments... and it's free, free of monetary charge.... watching the sun come up, watching it set... and then crashing, when you finally go to bed, and it feels like it has been years, and then you sleep for an entire day, and wake up feeling reborn, yet almost hungover from sleep, so you have a cup of coffee to fight the headache and the cycle starts all over again. I hate to say it, but I love it. When I get a job, I know I'll have to stop, or at least cut back on the sleep deprivation. But it'll be worth it to have the maaaney so I can get back to my city.

**I do not own any of the photos above**

City Girl vs Country Gal

2009-03-15T21:40:00.002-04:00

I've been single now for quite awhile, and since the economy has left me unemployed at the same time, I have a lot of free time to think and examine myself. Considering nearly the entirety of my identity was previously based on being in a serious relationship, I've had to start from near scratch just trying to figure out who the hell I am, and learn to love whatever that may be.
Well, I'm doing a great job with that. I'm very confident these days, and I love being single. In the course of "figuring out who I am" there's been one topic in particular that is really difficult for me to sort out.
Am I a city person or a country/suburb person? Considering I don't drive, it is obvious that being in the city gives me a lot of freedom. Getting a license though wouldn't be hard for me, as I know how to drive and just need to learn how to park really. So I've forced myself to not consider the driving issue here, to imagine living in the country/suburbs and being able to drive. When I lived in the city before, I was very flawed in my behavior. I'd get bad anxiety and not leave the apartment for days, sometimes weeks. I feel like living out here in CT, as I am right now, has given me so much fresh air and time to work on those issues that gave me anxiety, and to build up my confidence. It is hard to be confident when you are just a shell of a person, and I'd like to think that I've really filled in that shell since my last trip to the city.
I don't know. I think I know deep down I've always been a city person, and though I've come to appreciate the beauty of CT and New England, it just isn't for me. I love hiking and being in the woods, but I prefer to walk around for hours in a park and then get out and walk to a coffeeshop or a delicious pizza place and grab a slice, to not feel obligated to wave to people, to be able to blend in or stand out depending on the situation or mood I'm in. I don't really have that option here. I stand out even when I pretend to be suburban and dress in American Eagle and put my hair in a ponytail.
The problem is that being here for so long has led me to meet amazing people. I don't view my stay here as permanent, even when I try to. I promised myself I would not compromise anything of value to me for a relationship ever again, and I'm afraid that a lot of amazing people here in CT that could be potential lovers hate the city. The problem with CT is that most of the artistic, creative people here are very into nature and quiet or being able to stand out easily. I LOVE nature, really, I do, but I appreciate it most when it's a small park surrounded by tall skyscrapers. When it's special. My favorite thing when I was a kid was hiding under a blanket inside by the window on a rainy day. I felt a sense of being protected, comforted, sheltered. To me, that's what urban parks are. You can see the city, hear it, and it's banging on the window and setting the mood, but it can't get in.
I'm really afraid of meeting someone here and falling in love and convincing myself that I'm some country or suburban girl. I need to focus on getting myself back to the city. It's important to me. And I know that once I get there, I will just bitch and moan about it, but I think that in a way that's a kind of similar trait among New Yorkers... like you bitch about parking or you bitch about the subways or some homeless dude that pooped on the platform next to you, but really you love your city and it means a lot to you, and all the annoyances, big and small, really add character to the city. I need to get back. I need to focus on that.

Some Pictures

2009-03-08T15:02:00.004-04:00

Mike with his crazy sexxxy yamaka.
We found a guru who taught us how to party and looked up to the Gods and Goddesses and said "let there be fun".
The guru then told me that cannibalism was the way to go, so he turned me into a giant and I ate this unfortunate woman.
All that human flesh turned me into a hipster the next afternoon.
I wanted to become a guru too. This is my best guru face with guru come hither bedroom eyes.
The guru taught us how to get high off crayolas. Feel the burn.
The crayolas left me wanting more art in my system, so I decided to get drunk off this magical paint shit. Rock on?
The guru turned into Mike and he started blowing into this weird foreign toy musical instrument that was magikal and brought us all good luck and large breasts.
I think this was the first picture of the sleepovah. Here I am, looking a little too crazy and sober for Newtown.
This sexxxy guru claims that the bird in this picture was accidental. LIES.
This is my new boyfriend Frederico Suave Bernando Perez Gonzalez. He's too big for the locket, no?
I started to get pretty weird and make faces like I was up to something. Sure enough, I was. Everyone woke up to the eggs hidden around the house, a dead Easter bunny, and their fingers in glasses of water. This is why I don't get invited out more often.

Back

2009-03-07T17:31:00.002-05:00

I decided to make a grand return to blogspot, as I have vented out most private feelings and such on the ol' LJ. Out of system, out of sight, out of mind.
I have so many wonderful things to share.
Not really. But it feels that way, perhaps because today was so warm and nice.
I had the best time with Mike and Jill. I think Mike's mom liked me : )
We probably took over 100 pictures but most of them were like, the best pictures ever. I have some songs I want to share, but I'm not sure how to. Here we go. I'll link em.
Devendra Banhart- Shabop Shalom
Devendra Banhart- Lover
Adam Green- Baby's Gonna Die Tonight
Adam Green- Morning After Midnight
Little Joy- No One's Better Sake
Lou Reed- A Walk On the Wild Side (with awesome video/pictures of NYC)

I'm near obsessed with Adam Green and Devendra Banhart right now. Like I haven't felt this in love with music since I first heard Elliott Smith. I'm thinking of filling in the other banner of my tattoo with AG for Adam Green. The one banner has "XO" for the Elliott Smith song/album.
I feel like Adam Green and Devendra Banhart are going to have a huge influence on me, and help me get through a lot of things. I feel like I just don't give a shit anymore, but in the most wonderful way. I walked through Newtown today with everyone home from spring break and a colorful scarf wrapped Indian style around my head and people stared I bet, and I didn't give a shit. I think I ignored some old friends maybe but I wasn't sure if it was them or not because I wasn't wearing glasses or contacts.

I have the most fantastic plans for my next apartment. I'm going to buy a bunch of art off my artistic friends (they are the most talented people in the world, I am blessed) and cover my apartment with that and photography and some wire sculptures and shit. It's going to be amazing.

Trying to Stay Awake

2009-01-30T06:09:00.002-05:00

25 Things You Always Wanted to Know about Me (AKA I'm bored and trying to stay awake):

1. I am an extremely heavy sleeper and have trouble waking up to alarms. Or anything really... please don't draw on me...

2. I have a secret love for theater, and the performing arts in general.

3. My biggest desire in life is to be a creative muse and try to enjoy family and art and love and all life has to offer.

4. I got a pretty scarily high SAT score. I also got into colleges you probably wouldn't think I got into.

5. I'm a vegetarian but I eat meat when I crave it or when I'm so poor I have to eat off the dollar menu or something. My favorite meat is pepperoni.

6. I once had an allergic reaction to morphine in the hospital and my fever got up to 106.3 or something crazy and I was completely out of it. Like no drug ever could capture that sort of delusional realm.

7. I have a poor immune system but I think it's getting better after living in NYC.

8. I no longer want to move back to NYC. I want to stay in CT for awhile and sort things out.

9. My favorite mode of transportation is train.

10. I recently developed an obsession with the Strokes, the Beatles, "Layla" by Eric Clapton, Patti Boyd (the most beautiful muse ever), and the song "Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying" by Belle & Sebastian.

11. I secretly want to get a Doctorate degree. Not sure in what yet. I don't like to think about it in case I can't afford it.

12. I dropped out of college despite having an awesome GPA to wait til I can pay for it myself and not depend on other people.

13. I sometimes wonder if I will always be attracted to musicians. I think it may be starting to fade, but I've really never known anything else, as someone pointed out, and it is weird to think of a boyfriend who doesn't know a thing about music. And the ugliest dude could pick up a guitar, learn a pretty song, and get laid. It just makes people hotter. I think this is really just vain immaturity though. I will probably grow out of it, in fact probably pretty soon.

14. I miss working with kids.

15. Top 2 Hottest Celebrity Men Ever Right Now: Julian Casablancas (singer from the Strokes) and Ed Westwick (Chuck Bass, Gossip Girl). That guy from Across the Universe is hot too.

16. I secretly wish I was a musician but I just don't got it in me.

17. I have really bad anxiety but I don't show it too often anymore.

18. I believe a lot in astrology. Or at least I find it eerie.

19. I always wanted school uniforms as a kid. Wanted to go to Catholic school. Church. Take private lessons. I was a goody2shoes.

20. I sometimes twitch and act like I'm very sick to get a seat by myself on trains and subways. And buses. Especially buses. I love those single seats.

21. I'll probably remember your shoe size if you told me 5 years ago but I won't remember the last time we hung out or what I ate for breakfast.

22. I have surprisingly high self esteem, really. Which is weird because I had the worst self esteem until like... I don't know when it changed. Relatively recently. I am quietly cocky.

23. I really want to learn how to be more social. I suck at talking.

24. I'm scared of rodents. Like, really, really scared of rodents.

25. I rode an elephant a few times and a llama and a camel.

Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying

2009-01-30T04:46:00.003-05:00

The title refers to an awesome Belle & Sebastian song. I'm not being emo, haha.
I'm up, 5AM.
I lost my job.
A lot of shit went down this week.
I had to throw away a lot of my possessions.
I'm broke.
I realized I have some awesome friends.
I realized that certain people are toxic for me right now.
I'm sober, and committed to sobriety for at least a month. I'm already noticing an improvement. My interest is peaked in a variety of topics, I'm more social (this one surprised me), I want to read, write, and be more creative.

I realized that I think I probably have a lot of issues. I am looking to religion since I can't afford counseling, and it makes me happy.
I prayed today to the sound of church bells and read a passage from the Bible about possessions not mattering as I threw away about 30 garbage bags of stuff and almost all my furniture and I prayed and asked for help and then I felt like I should turn on the radio, and I did, didn't even change the station, and "You Look Wonderful Tonight" was followed by "Layla" (both songs inspired by my idol Patti Boyd). I had the biggest smile on my face. Then I put on Molly & Ashley's Mix CDs and got more of a laugh.
I decided to become sober because I think I've only changed for the worst for the most part since high school, and I'm unhappy with myself. I need a change, some guidance. Reading old LiveJournal post led me to this discovery.

I'm working through it. I'm going to fix myself up. I need to.

Fatigued, thinking.

2009-01-26T19:02:00.002-05:00

So things are definitely weird lately. I feel depressed and am totally failing at life. i read over a bunch of old livejournal entries and i feel as if i've really gone nowhere fast. i miss high school, things were a lot better then and i never thought i'd ever think that.
it's amazing how much i cant handle real life.
i get frustrated with my feelings and how i sometimes fall hard and quick, both in and out of love.
i hate not knowing what to say.
I think I'll look back on my life though and think that I ended up getting some hot ass and having a lot of fun while I was young, and I think either everything will be ok or I will die young.
Last night I got so preoccupied with the thought of me dying before 30, and I just sat on that notion for the whole night.
I really dislike myself, and most of my qualities.
I really want to feel love again, even though I shouldn't.

Survey, I'm bored

2009-01-17T16:13:00.002-05:00

A
- Available: Taken, unless you want to be my lesbian luvah.
- Age: 20, grr.
- Annoyance: See above. I can't go to any place cool on a Saturday night. Sigh.
- Animal: Cats. But my spirit animal is a hawk.

B
- Beer: PBR, Red Stripe, Blue Moon, Molson.
- Birthday: May 1st.
- Best Friend: Mike, Mary.
- Best feeling in the world: Having a group of completely different people come see you perform and then go out together and they all bond somehow.
- Blind or Deaf: Oh gosh. I debate this question too much. I want to say deaf but I think just hearing my own voice in my head would make me go crazy.
- Best weather: Spring, misting in the morning.
- Been in Love: Yeah.
- Been on stage: Yep.
- Believe in Magic: I like to keep an open mind, but I have my doubts.
- Believe in Santa: Hahaha. Umm... no.

C
- Candy: I like the chocolate variety, especially when peanut butter is involved.
- Color: Red, purple, fuchsia.
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate with most things, but I prefer vanilla ice cream with hot fudge to chocolate ice cream with hot fudge.
- Chinese/Mexican: Mexican!
- Cake or pie: Pie, except I don't like pumpkin pie much, and I love red velvet cake. Really I'm more of a tiramisu type of girl.
- Continent to visit: Europe, though I've never been.
- Cheese: Meh, not a big fan. I like mozzarella and muenster enough I guess.

D
- Day or Night: Night. Or early morning, like 4-6AM.
- Dance in the rain: My favorite.

E
- Eyes: Dark brown.
- Everyone has: their own self-interest in mind.
- Ever failed a class?: Technically, yes. But never because I can't do the work or understand the material. My first semester of college I just stopped going to classes for no real reason. Dumb move.

F
- Full name: Ashley Nicole Hughes
- First thoughts waking up: What the hell time is it?
- Food: Yes, I like food.

G
- Greatest Fear: Going batshit insane and hearing voices or something. Being a vegetable. Losing loved ones prematurely.
- Goals: To live life fully, take every opportunity worth taking, take risks, do things my own way, not let anyone control me, and to eventually go back to school and finish my degree. Oh and have a lead role in a play, even if it is a shitty one.
- Gum: I freaking hate the sound of people chewing gum.
- Get along with your parents: To an extent.

H
- Hair Color: Black.
- Height: 5'6"-5'7"
- Happy: Trying to be.
- Holiday: New Year's Eve. And I think I'm the only one who I've met who feels that way.
- How do you want to die: in my sleep or in a tragic gruesome pedestrian vs unicycle crash.

I
- Ice Cream: Peanut butter.
- Instrument: I'm more of the groupie type... I played viola in 4th grade and for a month in 5th grade before I quit and cried and made the teacher made because I was the only viola player in the school.

J
- Jewelry: Rings, bitches. Necklaces are cool too. Silver over gold.
- Job: Web editor.
K
- Kids: Are cool.
- Kickboxing or karate: I don't know, I'd do either one. Probably more likely to do kickboxing though because there seems to be more free classes of those.
- Keep a journal: A blog.

L
- Longest Car Ride: I think I went from Maine to Florida once. If not, I definitely went from NY state to Florida.
- Love: Julian Casablancas from the Strokes... mmmm... Oh and my friends, family, and my boyfriend <3
- Letter: F. Or V. Or P. Or A. Or S.
- Laughed so hard you cried: Earlier today, when I was talking such nonsense like the guy from 30 Rock and didn't make sense and then made myself almost pee a little laughing.

M
- Milk flavor: Silk Soy Milk in Coffee flavor!
- Movies: Wes Anderson, Michel Gondry, and really random stuff that most people can't appreciate enough.
- Motion sickness: I freaking hate motion sickness, but I get it too often.
- McD’s or BK: Neither. Taco Bell or Wendy's if I have to.

N
- Number of Siblings: One.
- Number of Piercings: It's complicated.
- Number: 6.

O
- One wish: To travel!

P
- Perfect Pizza: New York pizza with a little extra sauce, maybe some garlic or onions. And artichoke hearts are delicious. Spinach is good too sometimes.
- Pepsi/Coke: Diet coke.

Q
- Quote: "Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes."
-Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray".

R
- Reason to cry: The economy.
- Reality TV: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. That's real, right?
- Radio Station: Oldies. Because I'm a little odd like that.
- Roll your tongue in a circle: WTF does that mean? Like curl my tongue? Yeah I can do that.
- Ring size: I don't remember. I think it was something like 7, give or take a half size?

S
- Song: "Something" by the Beatles. It always changes though.
- Shoe size: 8.5
- Salad Dressing: Balsamic vinaigrette, sometimes French if I'm in that sort of mood.
- Sushi: Vegetarian sushi.
- Skipped school: Uh yeah, I sort of have a problem with attendance.
- Slept outside: In a tent.
- Smoked: Yes.
- Skinny dipped: I don't *think* so... but one can never be too sure of their drunken escapades.
- Sing well: Not really. Apparently I can "This Will Be Our Year" by the Zombies alright.
- In the shower: No, I'm not in the shower at the moment, that would fry my laptop.
- Swear: Yes.
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Both are delicious.

T
- Time for bed: Who the hell knows lately.
- Thunderstorms: My favorite.

U
- Unpredictable: My sleep patterns.

V
- Vacation spot: Road trip cross country this summer via public transportation! And then Hawaii! And Mexico!

W
- Weakness: Musicians.
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: Not sure. I guess Mike and I probably have the most in common as far as thought processes/behavior/ideas go.
- Who makes you laugh the most: Mike, Meghann, Rob, Brienne, Josh, and my darlin'.
- Worst feeling: Feeling helpless.
- Wanted to be a model: I used to do some freelance modeling, I got pretty into it. I did a commercial for some public TV station in Long Island... crap like that.
- Where do we go when we die: We rock the Casbah.
- Worst Weather: Cold, snowy, icy, windy, or super hot.

X
- X-Rays: Yeah, I've had plenty. I'm a wild woman! Bahahaha.

Y
-Year it is now: 2009
-Yellow: Submarine.

Z
- Zoo animal: Lions, and tigers, and bears, OH MY!

LAST PERSON WHO…
1. Slept in a bed beside you: My cats. Do they count? Abby snuggled with me last night, it was cute. As for human, my mom... I had the scariest nightmare of my life the other night and was shaking and didn't want to sleep alone. Yeah I'm fucking pathetic.
2. You went to the mall with: I seriously have no idea... malls are a bit useless in NYC.
3. You went to dinner with: My darlin', I believe.
4. You talked to on the phone: See above.
5. Made you laugh: See above.
6. Hugged you: See above. Oh no, maybe it was my great grandma or aunt... yeah it probably was.
7. Said they loved you: My darlin'.
8. You kissed: See above.
9. You spoke with: My mom?
10. You cried over: That's a depressing last question.

Nightmares

2009-01-16T09:56:00.003-05:00

Last night I slept in my Mom's bed. I had the worst nightmare in recent memory. Explaining it doesn't get across exactly how freakin scary it was, but I will explain anyway.
So it started out where I was in NYC and had to buy a shop vac and I was having a hard time finding one. So this weird guy told me I should go to this store and get one or something, I dunno, he gave me directions. So then I find it, and it's just a random shop vac on a subway platform that is very crowded. I picked it up to get ready to carry it on the subway and then realized the subway was going to be too crowded for it. I fumbled it and people starred at me. Then I noticed none of the signs were in English... neither were conversations. Then the subway came but it was like totally different from NYC subways, and I was like ok where the hell am I? I ended up realizing I was in Poland. So then I called up someone, I think Lenora actually, and was like heyyy how the hell do I get back to NYC from here? And she was like nooo you should go to Russia, it is really cool and they have tons of shop vacs there, and bicycles. And I insisted no, I don't want to go to Russia, I want to go back to NYC. She said I could make it if I ran, but before it got dark because it was unsafe at night. I started running but the sun was setting fast. There was a black cat in the road that hissed at me and crossed my path. I was running but it got dark and I started crying and hearing growling and I was barefoot and ran over broken glass and got it in my feet. Then suddenly I was coming out of the subway, and it was a sunny NYC day, and I was trying to get to the place I lived with Nathan in Richmond Hill, but the area looked like Bushwick. There was a square/park area where the subway let off and there was an art exhibition and the artist made sculptures out of rat heads (I'm phobic of rats and mice). I screamed, kids were playing with the heads. I tried running but my feet still hurt from the glass. I made it to Nathan's apartment, and this weird dude was there and smoked me up, and then I started having sex with this weird dude, and then these old people came in and were like um, we live here now, who the hell are you? And I ran out. Then I was in my bedroom in Warren, CT and I felt really drugged up and there were FBI vans outside and I got really freaked out and started hearing weird noises. I swore I was awake, woulda bet money on it. So I picked up my phone to call my mom and tell her to come in my room and come get me because I wanted to sleep in her room but I was so disoriented that I kept dialing the wrong number, and every number ended up being this voice that sounded like Chris's but it was fucked up and said satanic shit like "you are awake, and now your nightmares are real" and heavy breathing and shit. I started screaming and crying and then I woke up with a jolt and ran my ass to my mom's room to sleep in there. For some reason it really scared me, it seemed really real and just... I don't know. I really want to ask a dream interpreter what it all means, because for some reason it felt like the most intense and profound dream I've had to date.

I must address this

2008-12-28T02:36:00.002-05:00

For my own personal record, I believe I am, right now, in the healthiest mindset I've ever been in my life.
Things bother me so much less than they did even a few days ago.
I've done a lot of stupid things and had a lot of trouble letting go and putting myself first. And now I feel like I don't care if people like me or not. I'm not changing for anyone anymore. I'm not trying to please anyone.
And I can choose who is in my life and who isn't.
And I can go anywhere, wherever I want to go and do things I have always wanted to do.
I'm rediscovery where I left off, so long ago. I lost myself, almost. I remember how much I wanted to go to the west coast, before I got into a relationship. And I think I may go, really, if only to do something that I've always wanted to do.
I'm listening to the music I last liked before getting into a mess. The Strokes, The Shins, The Libertines... I am a different person now, but the songs help reconnect me to so many lost parts and lost dreams and desires and thoughts. I'm truly getting better.
Someone told me that you have to hit rock bottom before getting better, and I think I thought I hit it before, but I didn't until a few days ago, in NYC, when I realized how out of whack and out of touch with what I want I was... and how much I was willing to screw over myself for ridiculous things. I don't want to get into it though.
I spent most of the train ride home listening to my iPod and having wonderful realizations that I have control over my life. That people can't really hurt me unless I let them. That I was trying to keep close the people I shouldn't, and pushing away people who have truly cared about me. I can't quite explain it. The point is, fuck, I have really never felt this good, this fucking in touch with everything.
I think I'm going to move out west.

Leaving on a Jet Plane?

2008-12-27T04:19:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty out of it and I don't have my glasses/contacts helping me see what I'm typing, so forgive me if I don't make much sense.
I think I'm sick of NYC. I sort of want to move elsewhere.
I can't really figure out what is best for me right now. Part of me is sick of the crowds and needing to live so far away from Manhattan and still pay so much.
For the price I'd pay to live in a semi-rough neighborhood that is ugly, I could live on the outskirts of San Francisco and have beaches and spring-like weather all year round.
I don't know, on the other hand I am sort of running. But I feel like running, really. I've reached a point of being sick of the usual and needing to know myself in a city where that's impossible (or at least very hard right now). I get so overwhelmed by the crowds and ugliness that I tend to never go out. I mean, yeah, I could tackle that whole issue, but seriously I am sick of self-improving and just want to be in a pretty place, meet new people, and figure out what I want and be away from the old rut and get a new rut or something, I don't know.
Then again, part of me feels like there is no city like NYC and I am just beginning to finally figure it out and meet wonderful new people, and that I'm just being really silly and running away because my feelings were hurt a little and rather than admit that (really admit it) and deal with it, I'd rather start a completely new life.
Fuck I don't know what I want, though I never really do, and when I do know what I want, it is most usually the wrong thing.
Oh yeah, and I have to drop out of school because my parents can't really pay for it and I don't think loans are a good idea for me, and I'd rather go back to school when I can pay for it myself and not have to keep starting and stopping.

Lived in Bars

2008-12-14T17:12:00.002-05:00

I feel amazing today. It's the first time in awhile. Like, a long while. I don't trust it enough to think it's nothing but fleeting, but hell I'm gonna enjoy it. I'm listening to Lived in Bars by Cat Power on repeat and feeling like I can do anything.
I banned myself from Facebook for a week, as it was becoming a distraction from the right things.
I finally finished watching every episode of Friends, which sounds like lame, but it was amazing because for a long time I've been completely intolerant to scenes of love, whether in real life or on TV. But by watching every episode, I became attached to the characters enough to actually cry happy tears when they got married, had babies, whatever. Haha now that sounds really lame. But whatever works and makes me happy, I'll take.
Molly is coming to CT on Friday, and I'm seriously so excited about it. Like, I'm far more excited about seeing her than I am about Christmas. I haven't seen her in years, and it's a dang tragedy.
I've been practicing singing. I really want to do an open mic with some Cat Power covers. It sucks because I'm not trained enough to have a powerful voice, but my range and general tone are so fitting to be singing some jazzy powerful songs, but without lack of power I sound like a drugged Marilyn Monroe.
I've been meeting some amazing guys, like one who played guitar with Elliott Smith, and I give myself credit for not jumping into anything. I'm really taking a chill pill of sorts and realizing that in my last relationship I attempted to solve a lot of my flawed feelings by simply ignoring them, which definitely doesn't work. Most of those flawed feelings come from issues with myself, and with not having a solid enough foundation. That's why it generally takes me longer to get over stuff. I've been investing too much of my identity in relationships.
I am so, so excited about theater classes. I'm so excited. Like I know I really want to do this. I'm hearing that Hunter has a terrible theater department, which of course makes me very nervous. Everyone is recommending Brooklyn College, but I really don't want to go there. Flatbush simply holds too many memories... which is a bit weird, because I don't feel like any other neighborhood holds too many memories to be able to hang around there on a daily basis. I mean, maybe being on the actual blocks I've lived before are a bit too much to handle on a daily basis, but the neighborhoods, no. Maybe it's because the other neighborhoods have enough things I love about them to cancel out any overly emotional sentimental drawbacks. Or maybe it's because Flatbush was the very first neighborhood in NYC I really experienced. I know not, and now I'm rambling.
Anyway, I feel good. Really fucking good. And that's all.

School Schedule Spring 2009

2008-12-03T13:24:00.003-05:00

MONDAY:

9:45-11:00
Acting I
11:10-12:00
German II
12:10-2:00
Intro to Theatre
2:45-4:00
Black Experience Lit

Tuesday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory

Wednesday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory
11:10-12:00
German II
12:10-1:00
Intro to Theatre

Thursday:
9:45-11:00
Acting I
11:10-12:00
German II
2:45-4:00
Black Experience Lit

Friday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory

Total Credits: 15.

silly music survey done with an online radio

2008-12-02T22:18:00.003-05:00

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
pretty woman- roy orbison

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Finger poppin'-- ike & tina turner

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
proud mary- creedence clearwater revival

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
what makes the monkey dance-- chuck prophet

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
blue indian-- widespread panic

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
alice- tom waits

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
all along the watchtower- bob dylan

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
first glimmer- paul westerberg

WHAT IS 2+2?
go tell the women- grinderman

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
ballad of a lonely man- mike ness

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
imagine-- john lennon

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
venus in furs-- the velvet underground

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
i'm a man- bo diddly

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
i love to boogie- t rex

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
hawaii five-o--the ventures

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
longest days-- john mellencamp

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
venus-- frankie avalon

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
she belongs to me-- bob dylan

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
empty words-- blackmore's night

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
in a moment-- ray davies

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
too much love will kill you-- queen (yeah this is uncanny)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
senseless fun-- dramarama

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
at the mercy- paul mccarthney

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
compute-- soulwax

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
wildwood flower-- mike ness

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
bone machine-- pixies

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
up all night-- widespread panic

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
blue norther-- something quartet (im getting lazy)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
kicks-- paul revere and the somethings im lazy

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
here comes the sun-- the beatles

Edit

2008-11-28T18:31:00.002-05:00

I can morally handle sex without a date, I just can't morally handle sex with somebody with a girlfriend.

Cheating is not a good idea.
Take it from someone who knows, and cheated on her boyfriend (at the time) on their 1 year anniversary with his friend/coworker.

I just can't be involved in something like that.

And I am naive and realizing that you can't talk to any guy about sex things, or at least I can't, and have it not be eventually called leading them on.

Alright

2008-11-28T05:10:00.002-05:00

I'm over all this shit, completely, totally, and officially.
I'm ready to date again, muthafuckers, but I'm not moving in with anyone I'm dating, not at all, no way, no how. I want to stay in one place for a whole year, because the last time that happened was in like middle school or something, I think.

I can't sleep. I've been up writing poetry, which really isn't poetry, it's like just therapeutic blobs of stuff that has completely helped.

I just want to date a hot hipster boy (or girl, even), so somebody fix me up if you know somebody, I'm terribly bored here.

P.S. Screw rebounding. It's just boring not to date, because if you don't date people, you don't have sex unless it's a real shady situation or something that makes me feel like a bad person (and this is from somebody that's never known a religion). It'd be nice to at least eat a dinner together before jumping in bed, even if we split the cost of the dinner. I just can't morally handle sex without dinner, a movie, or at least some drinks and conversation.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T16:01:00.002-05:00

Top 5 Things I am Thankful for This Thanksgiving:

1. Family and friends.
2. Employment.
3. Abby coming back!
4. Food.
5. Courage.

I am going to completely re-invent myself. I don't need to move to do so... NYC is a big place, and Hunter is giant, and I have no friends there, so there's no reason why I can't do it.

I'm not going to change too drastically... I just want to be more social, positive, independent, and less lazy. Those are all things that can change, because I have changed them before.

I'm feeling a lot better about this single thing... I mean, it's not as if I'm going to be alone forever. In fact, chances are I will spend the majority of my life in a relationship, so I might as well enjoy this. It has its perks. Plus I sort of like being able to do whatever I want. I mean, I wouldn't really be able to re-invent myself if I was with someone right now. So it's all good.

And on a side note, damn morals. Sometimes I wish I was more heartless, and though I have done heartless things before, perhaps, it doesn't mean that I am heartless.

Oh man

2008-11-26T14:58:00.003-05:00

I've developed a strange fascination of the lead singer of of Montreal. Yeah, there's a lot of "ofs" but oh well.

I really want to change my name... I don't want to be "Ashley" anymore. I feel like I'm typecast and I just want something fresh.

Top 5 New Names, in no particular order:
1. Sadie
2. Jane
3. Anita
4. Maggie
5. Edie

Vote. Tell me which one you like best for my new alias.

Inspired by High Fidelity

2008-11-26T01:47:00.002-05:00

“It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party.”

I felt sad today randomly and by accident, so I popped on High Fidelity and it made me feel so much better. Except for the end, I don't know, I really hate the ending. I hate when they get back together, and I knew it was coming but I still hoped something happened and they didn't get back together.

I've been researching a lot on how to get over breakups and such, not because I feel heart-broken or even sad, but because I want to be sure that I am over things because I realized that that is why things didn't work out, really. He was hurt that I wasn't the person I said I was, but I am that person, but I wasn't able to be that person because I was at my darkest hour. They say one month for every year of a relationship, and that was a 3.75 year relationship, which means I'm just wrapping up getting over it around now. So of course I wasn't ready. But I couldn't have known any better, I couldn't have known to say yeah I want to take it slow when I was asked countless times.

So anyway, all that research says to make lists, and High Fidelity made me want to make lists, so here it goes....
I made a few lists, but they all seemed too personal to put here. Well, not too personal, but I just feel like it would cause more trouble than I need right now. So nevermind, maybe later.

The Scream

2008-11-24T21:20:00.002-05:00

I'm here, in CT, and I feel oddly full of life and hopeful. I feel oddly happy, almost the happiest ever. Mike Hill is probably going to move with me to NYC in January, which makes me so happy! For those who don't know Mike and wince at hearing of me moving in with another guy, I should mention that Mike is gay, so no worries there.

I want to be who I am. I want to feel how I feel. I am realizing that perhaps the only thing I have to change right now are my priorities. I should put me first, then school, work, friends/family, art/writing, hygiene, then relationship/love/like/lust stuff.

I think maybe how I am-- or how I will be, after I get over a lot of crap-- may be exactly perfect for somebody out there, at some point. I need to socialize more, but I think I have accomplished so much for a 20 year old who faced a lot of difficulties. I think I take pretty good care of myself, but I think I grew up too fast. I dabble in reckless stuff from time to time because I want to be my age. Granted, I should perhaps be a little more careful, and of course not let that shit affect work/school. But I need to let my hair down, get too drunk, make a few poor choices... I'm not a fucked up person, not really, I am just trying to live it up a little because I know, I do know, how to really get my shit together, but I know once I do I'm gonna rock that conservative shit, and I don't want that yet. I'm doing pretty fucking good, I support myself, have a 3.9 GPA, and have a job as a web editor, which pays on average $80,000 a year with only 3-5 years experience, which I will have when I graduate. That's pretty damn cool. I have big dreams of owning my own theatre and bringing cool to suburbs and traveling the world and I know I'm really going to do it. I tend to get everything I want, because what I want is stuff that only takes some work and a little bit of luck. And a lot of focus and drive.

I'm going to get really into the art scene in NYC when I come back to NYC. Expect to see me at any art stuff/music stuff/theatre/writing stuff that lets me in with my 20-year-old ID.

I don't even want a boyfriend right now, and that's probably why things went wrong in the first place. I want to date, at some point, but after I get over this stuff. And I'd like to explore things with girls and see where that goes.

I just want to live! I have a Penny Lane-like quality (Almost Famous), and it's been dying to come out for a long time. I am sort of sick of serious things, I'm 20, and I don't want to get married for a long time.

I am so, so happy right now.

Weirdness

2008-11-21T13:31:00.002-05:00

The only think weirder than weirdness is lack of weirdness when there should be more.

That can apply to pretty much any of the 100 different intense things that are happening right now. And it's funny, because I can imagine people reading this and thinking oh, I know what she's talking about and thinking about 1-5 different situations, but really there are so many different things going on with me right now, it's crazy. No one person, besides myself, knows all of them.

I enjoy being single, I do. I'm really feeling like I'm actually getting in the process of getting my shit together.

Staying here with Nathan has been way not awkward. Well, it's a little awkward, but it's not bad. I don't know what happened, but I am taking all this crazy, crazy well. I cried for like a day or something, then I realized that both of us were pretty miserable together, and I remembered how much fun we had when we were friends, and I know that this is actually great because after we both have time to really move on and adjust, we are going to get to be friends again. I'd rather have him as a fun friend in the city than as a boyfriend right now, and though I will miss his company, this is really just the right thing.

Jesus Christ

2008-11-20T11:29:00.002-05:00

My life is really, really weird right now... I don't mind it, I'm having a pretty good time, but my god, shit is strange. I can't really write about it here, though I want to, just for the sake of advice and getting things out, but a blog is public enough, and some of the things on my mind shouldn't really be told to anyone besides a best friend over cocktails, a la Sex in the City.
But there is one thing I must record, just so when I screw it up, I can go, aha, I meant to remember that: I got to try taking things slow.
There are problems with that, however. I don't want to be in a relationship right now, so taking things slow when I only want casual things doesn't really make sense. I got to find a way to make things not go so fast that it ruins everything, self-destructs, but not so slowly that it is mind-games and develops into actual... feelings and stuff. I don't know, this stuff really doesn't make sense to me. But hey, it's worth a try.

An interesting note: I found out today that somebody I had a big crush on in high school who I was too shy to ask out myself and had others do it... turns out they never actually asked him, though they came back saying that he said no.
Man, high school...

I follow Gossip Girl religiously, and lately I've been thinking that my life is like the poor college version of Gossip Girl, and as one of my favorite people told me very recently, I am 70% Serena and 30% Blair.

This blog is almost pointless, I feel, because I have no idea who reads it, and I'm in enough awkward situations where writing juicy stuff would be a very bad idea. It's a shame, though, I like recording my thoughts and reflecting, but I could always set entries to private, I suppose, but I won't... I'm just going to relax a bit and see what happens.

Wowsers

2008-11-18T18:33:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm into girls. I think I'm bi though.

Well that's an interesting revelation.

I have been feeling lately that I'd much rather be with a girl. But I'm still scared I won't like the sex.

I definitely want to explore this new found side of me!

I'm totally scared of being single because the longest I've gone without sex since having sex has been like 3 weeks. Since I was 16, I've never gone longer than 3 weeks. That's really... wow.

I'm cool with being single and figuring stuff out about myself, but I'm already getting crazed from like 2 days without it. I like sex way too much.

So...

2008-11-18T16:30:00.002-05:00

So I'm single, for the first time really since age 16. I didn't eat at all for like two days, but today I went out and bought my share of comfort food, though I could only manage to eat half a small box of Oreos. Shame on me.
I have to start packing after this. I'm moving out of here and to my Mom's place in Warren, CT for a month or so to save up money to buy a bitchin' place in Bushwick/Williamsburg/Greenpoint or Astoria/Long Island City. Nathan is helping me move my stuff Thursday, and then I'm coming back with him, living in awkwardness (but better than living alone in my mom's big house), having a potluck party Saturday with him, then leaving Sunday morning when my mom flies back from Florida.
So. Much. Happened.
Why is my mom flying back from Florida? Well, my grandmother died. This happened the day before la breakup. Happy times.
I did, however, call up Christopher the day after the breakup. I'm meeting him tomorrow for drinks in Manhattan. He seemed really happy to hear from me, and I apologized for everything. Don't worry, friends, I am not going to do anything crazy... I want to be single for awhile and get my shit together. But talking to Chris... it was wonderful. I forgot how he has the ability to understand everything about me and make me laugh even during the darkest times. In a way, it is good that we broke up, because he sounds so much better. I really think he's grown into a wonderful person, and I hope to have a friendship with him.
I also hope to have a friendship with Nathan. That may take awhile. Shit is a little awkward here, but maybe only because I'm not used to breakups without a lot of drama, so the silence gets to me. I'm quite an awkward person, so the silence makes me so nervous that I randomly say weird stupid shit and laugh a lot, and get silence as a response... it's awful.
I am beginning to realize that Nathan and I were not very good together in a lot of ways. It's important to love somebody for who they are, and I was not loved for that. I tried to change, but it didn't really work. While there are certain things about me lately that I must change, and will change (such as laziness), there were too many things he didn't understand about me.
I'm going to be single for awhile and get rid of my baggage.
But here's an outline of who I'd like to be with someday:
-Somebody who loves me for who I am, and doesn't get overly bothered by my flaws.
-Somebody who wants to take me out on the town and show me cool stuff.
-Somebody whose "us" time can consist of a romantic at-home movie or a crazy party.
-Somebody who encouraged me to work and pursue my dreams (Nathan was very good at this, but it didn't work for some reason).
-Somebody who doesn't make me feel like a failure.
-Somebody who is confident being on their own and doesn't need me.
-Somebody who is not angry or violent.
-Somebody shy and quiet and artistic and introspective. Somebody that I can talk to like the last minute of Scrubs and have realizations and it would be interesting, not stressful.
-Somebody who understands me.
-Somebody who wants exactly as much space as I want.
-Somebody really cuddly. Hehe.
-Somebody that can challenge me artistically and be interested in both the academic snooty stuff and the crazy vagina sculptures.

Another thing...
I am wondering about my sexual orientation. I don't have any experiences with the same sex, so I can't say I'm bi or lesbian. I do like guys, but I am far more attracted to girls. For instance, I can't really get off by myself without thinking about girls. And I think having a relationship with a girl and cuddling and stuff sounds so fun. I'm just not sure if I'd like the sex part. I don't know if I'd feel fulfilled. It's worth a try, though.

break-up

2008-11-17T10:54:00.000-05:00

heart. hurts.

it's over but i'll be okay.

School/Career Plans

2008-11-12T10:26:00.003-05:00

-I think I've decided to major in Theatre and minor in English at Hunter. I don't know why exactly I've suddenly decided to go with theatre, but I know that this is something that I actually should do. So I'm going to do it, and I'm not going to look back this time and change my mind. Though I will be in school for awhile longer, I will have the ability to take out loans as needed and pay them back because by the time I graduate, I will have at least 3 years experience as a web editor, which pays very, very well.
-I will continue to do web editing stuff and gain enough work experience where it will always be a very valid backup. I will probably end up doing web editing stuff as my career, but enriching my life by seeing (and understanding) plays and such, and I would have the money to be able to even dabble in a few unpaid theatre things just for fun.

Thus... I will be able to mix art and money, just as two separate things.

Reflection

2008-11-09T21:39:00.002-05:00

Random thoughts of reflection:

-I have wonderful friends, lots of them, and I shouldn't ever say that I don't have friends. It's mostly my fault why I don't have much of a social life. Of course, a lot of my friends do live outside the city, therefore hanging out it difficult if not near impossible, but there are plenty of people here in the city that like me and I should make more of an effort to hang out with them.

-I have far more male friends than female friends. I probably have more females on my Facebook friends list, but that's because I used to only really have female friends. But as far as people who I hang out with and talk to frequently, they are usually males. I can only think of 3 females that I'd define as close. One I hardly talk to and lives far away and sometimes pisses me off/sometimes I piss her off, the other I talk to via Facebook quite often and tell nearly everything to but she lives far away as well, and the other I tend to not hang out with much mainly because I am flaky. I talk to/hang out with way more dudes. I wonder if that is just chance. I wouldn't say I necessarily get along with guys better than girls. In fact, I usually have the most fun when there are at least some girls around. Maybe it's just easier for me to make friends with guys. I feel less intimidated.

-I have no idea what to do about college.

-I feel like I need to spend a few hours pouring my guts out to someone, but no one deserves to listen to that.

-I don't know what to make of something, but I know I shouldn't make anything out of it, mentally I know it's a bad idea to even think about or care about for sooo many reasons, but emotionally I can't seem to shake it. This, especially, I need a female ear to lend itself for just a few minutes of ranting and cigarette smoking.

-I feel great confusion about my past, mainly my far past, as in upbringing and childhood/teenage-dom and stuff.

-I am realizing that a lot of my thoughts and feelings and reactions to stuff is completely wrong and unwarranted. It is confusing. And the whole time I feel a bit guilty because I am sure some people had to feel the brunt of years worth of that crap, and I know I shouldn't go there, I shouldn't feel guilty because everybody makes mistakes and at the very least mistakes were quite mutual.

-I can't listen to the Beach Boys anymore. And I know who to blame. Something about the Beach Boys screams high school sweethearts and naive shit. I think I am too jaded for that anymore. It's like wearing white when getting married-- it symbolizes something that is just so foreign now. I find myself being able to listen to things I thought I wouldn't be able to listen to, and things I thought would be fine are often hellish. I am over it, really, but there are just things that I can't listen to anymore. I think that's normal, though I wouldn't know really.

blah

2008-11-09T03:17:00.001-05:00

Thoughts

2008-11-07T10:01:00.002-05:00

I want to record these thoughts quickly:

-Though I am generally a rather ambivalent person, especially when it comes to politics, I must admit that as I observe people, riot officers, current events... I feel like this is the closest to historic '60s revolution that I will ever see in my lifetime. I don't mean that in a purely pop culture way... the best class I ever, ever took was an 8am class at WestConn that focused solely on the historic and cultural events, effects, influences, what have you of the 1950s and 60s. And I actually went to that class, so I feel like I know a thing or two, though I am by no means an expert or anything. I must say that among all the change (replace change with revolution and tell me it's not all too familiar) I feel like the chain smoking beatnik listening to Ray Charles and writing and observing and dreaming of road trips and old gas prices... I live very close to where Jack Kerouac lived when he wrote On the Road. I usually don't take the side of police, but from what I've seen of the incidents of hipsters vs. riot officers in Williamsburg, that shit is retarded. If I was there, fuck, when riot officers come and say get out of the street, don't start hollering about rights man. Get the fuck out of there. It's only common sense, and the rights argument is retarded anyway. Yeah, peaceful assembly is a right, but you also can't block traffic and roads and sidewalks and drink in the street. There's this video on Gothamist, I think, of people having their camera phones smashed and it being so unfair and abuse and whatnot. That's retarded. Somebody commented that they were trying to get out of the way, slowly, so it wasn't deserved... um... you can clearly see from the buildings on the background that they weren't moving back, and there were like a row of people either filming or arguing with the officers, facing them... I'm not sure, but I think if you want to get out of the way and move and there's a lot of people, you should probably at least face the direction that you should be moving. If I was there, I can bet you I would have been at least two neighborhoods down at the first sight of riot officers. Don't mess with that shit, it's stupid, and at least know the law before you start hollering like a drunken hippie, and if you do want to do that, then rock it. Don't whine about being arrested, that's not what you're supposed to do! Throw yer cuffed hands in the air and scream fuck them pigs or something, not whine about your trust fund being cut off. If this is the '60s, I really hope acid truly invades Brooklyn and the village, and hipsters squat in warehouses (not paying a ridiculous price for a converted warehouse) and fight cops with the intention and knowledge of getting arrested and fuck the system and shit. Do it all the way, or people aren't going to care. Nobody cares about people who don't work real jobs, live off their parents, and mouth off to cops. It doesn't send the same message. Revolution is an all or nothing term.
-Another thought... it is a weird feeling to realize that somebody cared about you as much, maybe even more, than you cared about them... perhaps my realism approach is just a method of protecting my feelings. Perhaps it was just a bad time, a time when I thought that I couldn't be cared about like that. Maybe it was just 17, and I knew that it couldn't work, or I was so used to the love them and leave them approach that was talked about on Lucky Strike breaks that I didn't think I was any different. I'm almost his age now, and I am beginning to realize what words actually meant, about exactly everything I misunderstood. I don't quite feel like it was a missed opportunity, as I know it really wouldn't have worked at that time anyway, and that's probably why the words were vague enough for me to misunderstand. It's just weird, really weird, because I can't think of a person in years that I thought was the ideal, the cat's pjs, and thought so, so unreachable, that I haven't found out one way or another that they were into me in some sense. And the scary realization that the way they were into me contained actual feelings... and means that the mutual feelings I thought at times were there and the mutual feelings others insisted they could tell, they could sense from a mile away, well, I guess I wasn't crazy. I dismissed it as being 16, being 17, being young and inexperienced and thought that everybody only wanted sex, that I was too young, too... something, for real deep feelings to be mutual. Huh.

Can't think of a title

2008-11-05T12:22:00.003-05:00

New goal: Lose 10-20 pounds and not be too unhealthy about it. Lose by Christmas.

I'm oddly back to my high school weight, and I'm not happy about it. Since I left high school, I've been so pleased to have a rather thin figure, and now I feel hefty again and unattractive. The good news is that I'm pretty good at losing weight, so I should be back to pre-breakup weight rather soon.

I am hoping people finally shut up about the election soon. I did not vote. I'm sick of people acting like people who don't vote are the scum of the Earth and bad Americans. Why didn't I vote? I don't think I'm informed enough to make a good decision. I can't find the quote now, but some philosopher dude once said that the most intelligent people are those who see where they are lacking, and those hardcore about things are often the biggest fools. I'm not trying to say I'm better than people, and I'm not trying to say that it isn't my fault to some extent that I'm not informed enough. The fact is, I don't buy what the media says, and I'm not one to jump on a bandwagon. For me to feel informed enough, I would have to do weeks of my own research, and frankly I've been too busy to do that. Therefore, by my own standards, I do not qualify to vote. I also think that all politicians are liars. People are freaking worshiping Obama, especially people my age. Are you fucking kidding me? It's one thing to really like someone, but no one worshiping Obama has given me a sound explanation. They actually think he's going to be a revolutionary. Not a realistic revolutionary, even, but some Jesus figure who will turn all the water in the world to wine. Really? Seriously? Where the fuck have you been? Presidents don't even have enough power to do all the shit he's promised. There's still Congress, and though there is a Democrat majority, there are still moderate Democrats. He's not your fucking savior. It sickens me to see people crying at the polls like oh my gosh, now I won't have to pay my bills and gas... get a fucking job! Now, I am in no means a Republican... except I agree with them about most immigration issues (do white urban high school and college students even have a chance to find a job? Seems every job that doesn't require a degree/loads of experience is taken by people who don't even speak English just because they will work for a lower wage and then not pay taxes. Nice). I'm not even going to get started on the stupidity of McCain, let alone Palin (haha really not even going to go there), mostly because most of the people I know already know all those things. The Internet, the media, etc all has plenty of coverage on Republican stupidity. But no one dares to even whisper "hey, guess what? Obama is a freaking mortal, you know." They'd probably get shot in NYC, and be a social outcast as a 20 year old up here. And don't even get me started on people who won't shut up about the race issue, whether for or against. If you don't want people to look at you and see black, Hispanic, Asian, woman... then shut the fuck up about it. Drawing attention to Obama's race, again, whether for or against, is making people view him differently. It shouldn't make a difference if he was a transgender cat, if you truly believe in equality. Of course, most asscats aren't ready to see their own stupidity and see that they don't actually believe in equality. If you do, you wouldn't vote for Obama because he is black or McCain because he is white or Palin or Hilary because they are women. It wouldn't matter. Just sayin'.
I really hope everybody wakes up and realizes that things won't change into a magical fairy fairyland. Obama will make mistakes... what President hasn't? Or what human, for that matter, hasn't? Things will be rough, especially economically, for a very long time. And chances are, sometimes Obama's policies will benefit you personally, and sometimes they won't. It is best to look at the bigger picture, and be realistic about it. All big changes do not happen in one term. Often it takes decades, even centuries, for change to really happen. I do think that Obama will help things, I do. He will, hopefully, get the ball rolling. I also think people will end up disliking him and being very disenchanted, perhaps even feel lied to, because their expectations on a whole are unrealistic. A politician is a politician. Kennedy, Lincoln, FDR... they all did things that weren't so revolutionary, things that we who want revolution would not agree with so much. Look at the facts, look at reality, and be prepared to wait for a long, long time.

Something

2008-11-04T11:34:00.003-05:00

So the past few days have been hectic. I'm not going to go into it though. The point is that I can breathe again.
"Something" by the Beatles is beautiful and I can't wait for snow and the holidays even though all of Manhattan turns more and more into Times Square the closer it gets to Christmas. It's still gorgeous, and if you're like me and not too much of a political activist, I suggest looking past the corporate-ness of it all for a second. I recommend going to the highest floor of Filene's Basement in Union Square and looking out the window during a snowfall. Something about the holidays in Manhattan reminds me of old New York, not old New York as in crack heads and junkies, but really old New York. And everybody looks so cute and equally vulnerable in their big coats and red running noses, slipping in the snow. And there tends to be a sort of understanding in the air, even though I'm sure there are plenty of evil people fighting in stores over the last Wii or whatever, from up there looking down it can be imagined that there is understanding and peace and happiness just for a second.
I get too sentimental about the holidays.
Anyways, I am back to my old good self, productive, though now I suppose this is procrastination, though it's not really, I view this as productive as well. It's quite necessary, for me.
Back to "real" work though I must go!

Officially 20 and a Half

2008-11-01T15:48:00.003-04:00

Yay half birthdays!

On a totally unrelated note, I am a total idiot. I really do somehow manage to screw everything up, one way or another. Maybe I'm like a robot or something with a chip in my mind that only programs one thing: self-destruct and take down anyone else with you. I say chip because I really can't imagine that I am actually that retarded, but I know I am, alas there is no chip, just my own stupid, stupid little girl mindset. Sometimes I do wonder if I truly am hopeless, but I know I'm not, not really. I guess I just wonder how much harder do I have to try so things don't go to shit, and do I have it in me to exert more effort. I don't really think it's an issue of me not doing enough, at least that's not the root of any issue of me not doing enough. The root, the reason behind all of this, is substances, I believe. So if I sober up (as if one has a choice when their life crumbles at their own hand), if I stop self-destructing, will things get better? I really doubt they could get much worse.
I feel like I know how everyone sees me. A drunken doll thrown around one to many times. High on internal drama that doesn't have a name and is such a damn mess no one wants to touch it anyway. There is a problem, a major fault with usually putting others before oneself, and that is the fact that one doesn't get a good enough chance to develop properly (I say this as if there was really any hope for me to grow up right). It makes me some sort of half human, with feelings and the ability to write and talk (sort of) and destruct and be evil and compassionate, but without the reasoning, the common sense, needed to take it all in stride.
You probably think I'm high, don't make sense, or am being melodramatic. The first is definitely not true, the second probably true, and the last, why the last is the damn truest thing so far.
I'm not depressed, just frustrated at what an arse I can be. I really hope that you, my dear(s), can distinguish the two.

P.S. I like the word arse.

Goals and Such

2008-10-30T18:31:00.002-04:00

-Apply for online programs for next semester or Fall 09.
-Write more structured poetry-- sonnets, sestinas, etc.
-Read poetry at an open mic event sometime in January or so.
-Quit cigarettes by December 1st.
-Be drug free.
-Start jogging/walking every morning by the second week of November.
-Keep up with household chores.
-Work at least 30 hours a week.
-Try to make more friends, or at least be more social, though this goal is always on my list and never gets fulfilled. Try harder, dammit.
-Set up room by this coming Tuesday.
-Be a better girlfriend by being happier, showing love and happiness, and being gracious and very productive.
-Go out by myself more often, for walks, trips for food, going in to work, jogging, whatever.
-Study French at least two hours a week (I'm being easy on myself because I am likely to be pretty busy and I don't want to make myself go crazy or anything).
-Eat healthier.

A Wonderful Day

2008-10-30T18:10:00.002-04:00

Today has been wonderful. I feel great, not perfect as there is still a lot of crap in my system, but so much better. It's so awesome to feel again, and especially to realize shit, I do have enough money for rent (though utilities will quite literally leave me broke).
Though it sucks to feel bad feelings, it is worth it to feel love again, and happiness.
I want to come back after dinner and write down some goals, things to do... mind farts that I shouldn't forget.

Sobriety

2008-10-30T00:19:00.002-04:00

So now is the beginning of sobriety for me. Time to stop being an idiot and get healthy and stop ruining wonderful things. My recent behavior has been repulsive, and I deeply apologize to the few who have seen me lately/been effected by me lately/not heard from me lately. I need to get my life back in order, and I will.

Change

2008-10-29T11:17:00.002-04:00

You know, I always just assumed that I must have changed a lot since high school. I look at everybody else, and most of them are sooo different, even if it is just physically different. I see people I wouldn't touch for anything in high school have become almost unfairly desirable, and of course people who were hot as hell back then now have like three beer guts and a bad haircut. But what has really changed about me? I mean, I am totally different from when I was 14 or 15, but I was also totally different from that point when I was 16 or 17. So the time I am comparing is 16 and 17 to 20. I have lost some weight, I suppose, or perhaps it just fits a little better on me now. My butt is a bit rounder. I sometimes wear contacts instead of glasses or being blind most of the time, as I did then. Oh! And now I understand how people like George Clooney are sexy. And why guys with money are attractive.
Other than that, I'm not very different. I'm a bit more mature, of course, but only because I have more responsibilities. If I had the same responsibilities and bills then, I would probably fulfill/not fulfill them in the same manner.
The scenery has obviously changed some, and I've adjusted slightly to the change of scenery, but I would have done the same when I was 16 or 17.
Oh! I used to get naked way more back then, in front of other people. And do kinkier things. I was definitely much more of an exhibitionist, and much more fearless and energetic.
Damn, I was hoping this entry would lead to me feeling like I've changed and become a better person, but instead I feel like the opposite is true. I feel like I've grown in the way that I understand more the evils of the world and the fact that sometimes one has to be evil and heartless, as someone I suppose I used to know is so fond of attributing that adjective to me, to get anything done.
I used to write back then, too. Much more than now. And I had dreams and real, solid goals that I just "knew" I would achieve.
I've done nothing but become a less interesting and crueler version of myself, and those dreams have been screwed up by, usually, my own hand, time and time again. I suppose I am different in the sense that I don't run to my room and slam the door and scream "leave me alone mom!" like I did when I was a teen, but I feel like that is due to the change of scenery, not necessarily any significant maturation.

How different, in any/every way, would you say you are to the person you were 3 or 4 years ago?

Google Search

2008-10-28T14:50:00.002-04:00

1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:

Ashley needs to keep wearing stuff like this. The more skin she shows, the better she looks.

2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:

Ashley looks like a mermaid, a stripper mermaid that is picture published by lovelyrunner4.
3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:

ashley does have nice little boobs

4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:

Ashley Hates WalMart appears on the album Tales Of Lust And Revenge.

5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:

Ashley Goes For Black on Black

6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:

Ashley Tisdale Loves Kissing Zac Efron, What About Vanessa Hudgens?

7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:

Ashley eats a spoonful of mustard. So my 14 yo daughter wants her bday present a day early. We decide that to do that...she has to eat something she HATES. A huge spoonful of mustard will do.

8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:

Ashley R has herpes.

9: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:

"But Ashley wants children. I'll be a great aunt or godmother." "To my child," Ashley interjects

10: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:

I hope that in the future, the Ashley Treatment will be available to all pillow ..... Ashley will have a small body all of her life and this will give her ...

Schedule for Monday

2008-10-26T21:36:00.002-04:00

9:30AM-10:00AM: Wake up. Drink coffee.
10:00AM-1:00PM: Work.
1:00PM-2:00PM: Lunch break.
2:00PM-6:00PM: Work.
6:00PM-7:00PM: Relax.
7:00PM-8:30PM: Dinner, clean.
8:30PM-9:30PM: Study French.
9:30PM-whenever: Whatever (hopefully write a poem, stretch, go to bed not too late and clean up my room more or read a little... but probably not any of the above).

One step at a time. I'm slowly easing into scheduling my life so I actually get stuff done. Yay!

P.S. I'm broke, but it's all my own fault.

Ooo Someone Give Me Ideas!

2008-10-22T15:13:00.002-04:00

I'm getting my hair cut by my favorite stylist in CT who is simply amazing. My appointment is on November 1st (which also marks 6 months til my 21st birthday-- which people better celebrate with me, because I'm like the last person ever to turn 21 so yeah).
What should I get done? I am not getting any coloring done (I hate having to maintain that-- I'm happy with my black hair... for now). I need a rocking cut idea, so send me pics and links and telegrams (or candygrams, I'm hungry) about what I should do. Keep in mind that my hair is about an inch longer than shoulder length as of now and my hair is insanely thick and wavy in a random way (not a pretty way... sad face). And I'm not going to go shorter than past the ears with the cut... no way. I don't really want anything shorter than like slightly above chin length. And should my bangs make a come back? I need advice!
The last haircut I got from said stylist was the one seen in the photo in this post. I liked it, but I had to straighten it like every day... which isn't too bad, it just means I need to go out and buy a new flat iron since mine randomly broke.

Cease Fire

2008-10-21T09:52:00.002-04:00

Things with Chris are finally over. I finally feel like I can throw away anything that reminds me of him without a tear. Perhaps it was sitting in a police station that woke me up. I am not one to trash talk, but it seems funny that he thinks himself an angel when I remember clearly the violence and the threats that are still continuing. He doesn't want me to go to the village anymore with Nathan, or he threats violence. We aren't in gangs, and we aren't having turf wars, so I laugh. Just like I laughed through the punches and the lost scholarships and the pillow-near-death-suffocation and the threats of death and beating and animal instincts.
I feel so, so much better.
Elliott Smith feels healing, like once before, and everyone may think I am heartless or a bitch but I know the truth. You have to be a heartless bitch sometimes in life to get anywhere, and that's the truth. And I can assure you, you don't know the whole story or the missed school or work days nursing wounds or any of it. And yes, I know it shouldn't have taken me almost 4 years to leave, but live and learn.
No more drama! That's my hope.

Alone Again, Or

2008-10-19T22:08:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty sure I don't actually have any real live friends anymore.

This breakup has killed me, more or less. I come out looking the demon, the whore, the cunt.
People don't ask for my side.
People really don't care.
And that's fine, that's cool; I can figure shit out alone, as I have time and time again. But it sure is sad.

I truly have never felt more alone.

I'm not trying to be overly emo. I'm just completely lost and in need of platonic guidance/comfort. A glass of wine and cheap dinner. Jays and 40s or fuzzy blankets and dancing, I care not.

Back to Work

2008-10-14T13:54:00.002-04:00

So, I just found out that withdrawing from classes for the semester means I need to reapply to Hunter when I want to go back. Problem is, I'm not sure I want to go back to Hunter. I want to get a degree, but Hunter is... meh. I don't know. I need to stop transferring.
I don't even know what I want to major in, or do in life. Not a clue. It's not that I don't have motivation-- I've studied each of the 100 things I've majored in thus far with great passion.

So Sunday Nathan and I visited my Mom for her birthday. It was so nice to see my family and to see Connecticut in October. I used to hate New England. I used to hate October, a lot. I find myself changing... a lot.
My family absolutely adored Nathan, which was nice. Each family member individually commented that they have not seen me so happy in a long, long time.

So in this time off, I want to become as close to fluent in French as possible. I miss French. I find myself thinking in French often, so I might as well think in French with correct grammar.

Note to Self

2008-10-13T21:28:00.002-04:00

Why I Want to Go Back to College:
-To make more $$$$
-To feel better about myself (I know I won't truly and completely respect myself unless I do get a degree).
-To grow up.
-To learn more.
-To be happiest (I am happiest when going to school when I am prepared to go to school).

I need to set a time limit for time off...
I'm thinking 1-2 semesters off, that's it. 2 semesters is the limit. I have to be back in school, even if part-time (though I want to shoot for full-time, at least 12 credits), by Fall 2009.

A Discovery

2008-10-13T18:07:00.003-04:00

French surrealist poets are incredible.
Paul Eluard and Andre Breton just poisoned my mind with romance, dreams, and impending disappointment.

I want to become fluent in French, and other languages after that, of course. I want to learn, but I want to teach myself. I do not like school. Perhaps because I have almost always been forced to be my own source of motivation, perhaps that is why I hate school but love teaching myself things.
When I last took a semester off, I taught myself accounting, pre-calculus, and read an obscene amount of literary classics. I tried to teach myself Mandarin Chinese, but that was a little too difficult. I spent at least 5 days a week studying by my own accord.

The problem is that I do wish to hold a college degree. I do. I do see how it is necessary, and important, and desirable, but I can't mesh with it. My GPA will go from below a 1 to a 4.0 from semester to semester depending on how I agree with things. It is always either below a 1 or above a 3.7, never in between. I don't think I'm ready for college. I don't think I am. I think there are things I want to learn, right now, that I must learn now or fail to be happy and satisfied. Those things, however, I want to teach myself. I am not even sure what I want to do in life, really. I know I want to do something, but I don't know what yet and I'm tired of switching majors and wasting money because I am young and immature in my own ways.

I want to escape the feeling of always, somehow, being a failure.
I didn't feel like a failure when I took a semester off and worked my ass off and taught myself what I wanted to learn.
I think I like learning one thing at a time, but very quickly. That is something that is hard to establish in a public higher education setting.

I wish I could just teach myself something for 4 years, take a test, ace it, and thus have a degree. Like a GED type of thing, but for post-secondary education.

Drop-Out

2008-10-11T12:56:00.002-04:00

So I'm thinking about dropping out of this semester. I am already only taking 2 classes. I need more time to work, and I need time to work on myself. I am not in a very good mental state these days.
Especially since my ex-boyfriend is an evil cocksucker.
I'm not even going to go into that here. All I know is I officially hate my first person. I wouldn't mind pushing him off a cliff, and I have good reason to.

I need to get better. I need to be happier. And I need to be less stressed/anxious.

Update

2008-10-09T15:31:00.002-04:00

So my great grandmother is in the hospital... not fun. I really hope she's alright and gets better.

I think I'm going to get my hair cut into something cute and short tomorrow on the UES. Yay. I hope it looks alright.

I am going to get a body piercing either tomorrow or Saturday I think. I don't know what I want yet-- my ears aren't even pierced. I've always wanted my tongue pierced, but I don't know if I really want it pierced... I have bad teeth and I don't like drawing attention to my mouth. I definitely don't want my eyebrow, nipple, no-no area, or lip pierced. So that leaves tongue, belly button (which I do want but I saw it done live on Oprah once when I was a kid and eating Spaghetti-Os and life has never quite been the same), nose (which I think may make me look too witchy because of my narrow yet sorta pointy nose), or just chicken out and get an ear piercing or two.
Any recommendations? Keep in mind that I am a big, big chicken. Last time I got my ears pierced I was in high school but I still cried and grabbed the teddy bear they keep in the piercing booth for toddlers. Yeah.
I really want another tattoo... I want to get one on my hip bone but I can't think of anything worthy of being inked. Like the other tattoo I got was something that I wanted since the 4th grade. I want my tattoos to be ultra meaningful.
I also have another ribbon on my tattoo that is blank and can be filled in with something, but I don't know what I want that to be either.
So yeah, in other news break ups are weird. Chris and I were trying to be friends, but I was all like I want to keep my distance, and then he convinced me we could actually be good friends, then the next day he like unfriended me from everything and whatnot without explanation. I don't need to deal with his instability anymore, so I'm not, I'm moving on. Whatever.
Things with Nathan are absolutely wonderful. I really feel like I have found my soulmate. I have never been happier. Everything we do together is powerful and amazing. Living together is really natural, but not boring. We just click in a really beautiful way and we bring the best out in each other. Yay!

I have been itching to travel more than ever lately. I want to see all the cities on the Rockstar drinks... Amsterdam especially. And Paris, Rome, Barcelona, Cairo, Brazil, Honolulu (again), San Francisco, Tokyo, Montreal, Mexico...
And I want to visit friends, so much. I want to travel and see everyone that I cut out of my life to some extent. I want to apologize. I want to work on being a whole person again.
I deleted most of my information from my Facebook because I do not really know what my favorite music or activities or movies are. I am not sure. There are many, many things I can't listen or see or do these days without feeling a great deal of pain. I am finding new things. I am learning new things. I like learning.
Speaking of learning, I have a paper due in like 2 hours that I haven't started, nor have I read the book or researched the material needed to start said paper. Hmm.

I Have Come to Realize...

2008-10-07T01:27:00.003-04:00

1. I have come to realize that my butt:
Isn't much to look at, but it could be worse.

2. I have come to realize that when I talk:
People either don't hear me, don't understand me, or don't get me.

3. I have come to realize that, if I love someone:
I should try to make things healthy so love can grow.

4. I have come to realize that, I need:
Motivation.

5. I have come to realize that, I lost:
A lot of my childhood/teenage years.

6. I have come to realize that, I hate it when:
I try hard and fail.

7. I have come to realize that, if Im drunk:
I'm probably trying to escape something.

8. I have come to realize that, marriage:
May not be so terrible.

9. I have come to realize that, work:
Is something I must get used to.

10. I have come to realize that, I will always be:
"Weird".

11. I have come to realize that, I like:
Stability.

12. I have come to realize that, the last time I cried was:
Over missing the past, but not quite wanting it back, because I know it isn't possible.

13. I have come to realize that, my cell phone is:
Definitely refurbished.

14. I have come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:
I need coffee.

15. I have come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night:
I should wash my face-- well.

16. I have come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
A lump in my heart that is pure self dissatisfaction.

Confessional

2008-10-05T19:32:00.001-04:00

When I was a little girl, I thought Freddie Mercury was the most attractive man alive. Something about him was so beautiful, and I felt very attracted to him.
Is that weird?

Memories at 4:40AM

2008-10-05T04:36:00.003-04:00

One time I went and saw the Darjeeling Limited in Union Square with Chris and it turned horribly bad after a random fight of sorts in Forever 21 and he left me in Manhattan and went back to Astoria. I was sad and crying and frantically calling his cell to find him but my cell was dead so I used subway payphones. I was crying and all dressed up and this extraordinarily gentle gay man approached me. He was pure Andy Warhol, everything. He wanted to take my photograph for a book he was putting together of people in NYC. He was so nice, and just... exactly like Andy Warhol. I was quiet and mesmerized and glad to be his muse for just a minute. He had me write my email address in a small artsy notebook and promised to email the photo ASAP. Well, he did, that same night. I look at that photograph and I see stick legs holding up a strong woman. Introspective yet observant. I can almost sort of make out dried up tears on my checks that slightly streaked my makeup perhaps, at least to a perfectionist by disorder.
It is, in many respects, one of my favorite photographs of myself.

Silly Little Things

2008-10-05T02:45:00.002-04:00

It's funny how silly things, even ones that you know to be full of BS, can be so entertaining. Like online quizzes or things that generate your Name In a Past Life or something. Magic 8 balls. Fortune Cookies. There's something about it that triggers this innate sense of sentimentality... like it's Santa Claus all over again. Like I know it's not real, it's empty, meaningless, mindless, but there is just a certain peaceful, insightful beauty about lying to yourself and believing for a second, or more.
In a past life, BlogThings says I was a "Peaceful Chief".
How 'bout that?

Redefining Myself

2008-10-01T18:21:00.000-04:00

Hello all,
This blog is geared to the new and to rediscovering myself and starting over. It will act as a sort of personal journal, a vice, and a therapist all at once. It will be undeniably cheesy and self-involved, overly introspective, and quite random at times. The whims will meet the facts and they will often come to nothing but be mulled over nonetheless. I am a clean slate, and this blog will document the crap that I decide to color myself with, whether they be silly trends or life altering decisions. This is my personal space, meant to share my thoughts and times and inner conflicts with those who feel like caring or pretending to care, i.e. true friends, if there are such a thing. Read, ignore, abandon, worship, what have you, but I will not water anything down.

"I've stopped my dreaming,
I won't do too much scheming
These days, these days.
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten.
Please don't confront me with my failures,
I had not forgotten them"
-Nico, These Days

And yes, I will be overly emotional, emo at times perhaps, and all together annoying, so leave now while you can get out alive muahaha.