Goals and Such

-Apply for online programs for next semester or Fall 09.
-Write more structured poetry-- sonnets, sestinas, etc.
-Read poetry at an open mic event sometime in January or so.
-Quit cigarettes by December 1st.
-Be drug free.
-Start jogging/walking every morning by the second week of November.
-Keep up with household chores.
-Work at least 30 hours a week.
-Try to make more friends, or at least be more social, though this goal is always on my list and never gets fulfilled. Try harder, dammit.
-Set up room by this coming Tuesday.
-Be a better girlfriend by being happier, showing love and happiness, and being gracious and very productive.
-Go out by myself more often, for walks, trips for food, going in to work, jogging, whatever.
-Study French at least two hours a week (I'm being easy on myself because I am likely to be pretty busy and I don't want to make myself go crazy or anything).
-Eat healthier.

A Wonderful Day

Today has been wonderful. I feel great, not perfect as there is still a lot of crap in my system, but so much better. It's so awesome to feel again, and especially to realize shit, I do have enough money for rent (though utilities will quite literally leave me broke).
Though it sucks to feel bad feelings, it is worth it to feel love again, and happiness.
I want to come back after dinner and write down some goals, things to do... mind farts that I shouldn't forget.

Sobriety

So now is the beginning of sobriety for me. Time to stop being an idiot and get healthy and stop ruining wonderful things. My recent behavior has been repulsive, and I deeply apologize to the few who have seen me lately/been effected by me lately/not heard from me lately. I need to get my life back in order, and I will.

Change

You know, I always just assumed that I must have changed a lot since high school. I look at everybody else, and most of them are sooo different, even if it is just physically different. I see people I wouldn't touch for anything in high school have become almost unfairly desirable, and of course people who were hot as hell back then now have like three beer guts and a bad haircut. But what has really changed about me? I mean, I am totally different from when I was 14 or 15, but I was also totally different from that point when I was 16 or 17. So the time I am comparing is 16 and 17 to 20. I have lost some weight, I suppose, or perhaps it just fits a little better on me now. My butt is a bit rounder. I sometimes wear contacts instead of glasses or being blind most of the time, as I did then. Oh! And now I understand how people like George Clooney are sexy. And why guys with money are attractive.
Other than that, I'm not very different. I'm a bit more mature, of course, but only because I have more responsibilities. If I had the same responsibilities and bills then, I would probably fulfill/not fulfill them in the same manner.
The scenery has obviously changed some, and I've adjusted slightly to the change of scenery, but I would have done the same when I was 16 or 17.
Oh! I used to get naked way more back then, in front of other people. And do kinkier things. I was definitely much more of an exhibitionist, and much more fearless and energetic.
Damn, I was hoping this entry would lead to me feeling like I've changed and become a better person, but instead I feel like the opposite is true. I feel like I've grown in the way that I understand more the evils of the world and the fact that sometimes one has to be evil and heartless, as someone I suppose I used to know is so fond of attributing that adjective to me, to get anything done.
I used to write back then, too. Much more than now. And I had dreams and real, solid goals that I just "knew" I would achieve.
I've done nothing but become a less interesting and crueler version of myself, and those dreams have been screwed up by, usually, my own hand, time and time again. I suppose I am different in the sense that I don't run to my room and slam the door and scream "leave me alone mom!" like I did when I was a teen, but I feel like that is due to the change of scenery, not necessarily any significant maturation.

How different, in any/every way, would you say you are to the person you were 3 or 4 years ago?

Google Search

1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:

Ashley needs to keep wearing stuff like this. The more skin she shows, the better she looks.

2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:

Ashley looks like a mermaid, a stripper mermaid that is picture published by lovelyrunner4.
3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:

ashley does have nice little boobs

4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:

Ashley Hates WalMart appears on the album Tales Of Lust And Revenge.

5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:

Ashley Goes For Black on Black

6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:

Ashley Tisdale Loves Kissing Zac Efron, What About Vanessa Hudgens?

7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:

Ashley eats a spoonful of mustard. So my 14 yo daughter wants her bday present a day early. We decide that to do that...she has to eat something she HATES. A huge spoonful of mustard will do.

8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:

Ashley R has herpes.

9: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:

"But Ashley wants children. I'll be a great aunt or godmother." "To my child," Ashley interjects

10: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:

I hope that in the future, the Ashley Treatment will be available to all pillow ..... Ashley will have a small body all of her life and this will give her ...

Schedule for Monday

9:30AM-10:00AM: Wake up. Drink coffee.
10:00AM-1:00PM: Work.
1:00PM-2:00PM: Lunch break.
2:00PM-6:00PM: Work.
6:00PM-7:00PM: Relax.
7:00PM-8:30PM: Dinner, clean.
8:30PM-9:30PM: Study French.
9:30PM-whenever: Whatever (hopefully write a poem, stretch, go to bed not too late and clean up my room more or read a little... but probably not any of the above).

One step at a time. I'm slowly easing into scheduling my life so I actually get stuff done. Yay!

P.S. I'm broke, but it's all my own fault.

Ooo Someone Give Me Ideas!

I'm getting my hair cut by my favorite stylist in CT who is simply amazing. My appointment is on November 1st (which also marks 6 months til my 21st birthday-- which people better celebrate with me, because I'm like the last person ever to turn 21 so yeah).
What should I get done? I am not getting any coloring done (I hate having to maintain that-- I'm happy with my black hair... for now). I need a rocking cut idea, so send me pics and links and telegrams (or candygrams, I'm hungry) about what I should do. Keep in mind that my hair is about an inch longer than shoulder length as of now and my hair is insanely thick and wavy in a random way (not a pretty way... sad face). And I'm not going to go shorter than past the ears with the cut... no way. I don't really want anything shorter than like slightly above chin length. And should my bangs make a come back? I need advice!
The last haircut I got from said stylist was the one seen in the photo in this post. I liked it, but I had to straighten it like every day... which isn't too bad, it just means I need to go out and buy a new flat iron since mine randomly broke.

Cease Fire

Things with Chris are finally over. I finally feel like I can throw away anything that reminds me of him without a tear. Perhaps it was sitting in a police station that woke me up. I am not one to trash talk, but it seems funny that he thinks himself an angel when I remember clearly the violence and the threats that are still continuing. He doesn't want me to go to the village anymore with Nathan, or he threats violence. We aren't in gangs, and we aren't having turf wars, so I laugh. Just like I laughed through the punches and the lost scholarships and the pillow-near-death-suffocation and the threats of death and beating and animal instincts.
I feel so, so much better.
Elliott Smith feels healing, like once before, and everyone may think I am heartless or a bitch but I know the truth. You have to be a heartless bitch sometimes in life to get anywhere, and that's the truth. And I can assure you, you don't know the whole story or the missed school or work days nursing wounds or any of it. And yes, I know it shouldn't have taken me almost 4 years to leave, but live and learn.
No more drama! That's my hope.

Alone Again, Or

I'm pretty sure I don't actually have any real live friends anymore.

This breakup has killed me, more or less. I come out looking the demon, the whore, the cunt.
People don't ask for my side.
People really don't care.
And that's fine, that's cool; I can figure shit out alone, as I have time and time again. But it sure is sad.

I truly have never felt more alone.

I'm not trying to be overly emo. I'm just completely lost and in need of platonic guidance/comfort. A glass of wine and cheap dinner. Jays and 40s or fuzzy blankets and dancing, I care not.

Back to Work

So, I just found out that withdrawing from classes for the semester means I need to reapply to Hunter when I want to go back. Problem is, I'm not sure I want to go back to Hunter. I want to get a degree, but Hunter is... meh. I don't know. I need to stop transferring.
I don't even know what I want to major in, or do in life. Not a clue. It's not that I don't have motivation-- I've studied each of the 100 things I've majored in thus far with great passion.

So Sunday Nathan and I visited my Mom for her birthday. It was so nice to see my family and to see Connecticut in October. I used to hate New England. I used to hate October, a lot. I find myself changing... a lot.
My family absolutely adored Nathan, which was nice. Each family member individually commented that they have not seen me so happy in a long, long time.

So in this time off, I want to become as close to fluent in French as possible. I miss French. I find myself thinking in French often, so I might as well think in French with correct grammar.

Note to Self

Why I Want to Go Back to College:
-To make more $$$$
-To feel better about myself (I know I won't truly and completely respect myself unless I do get a degree).
-To grow up.
-To learn more.
-To be happiest (I am happiest when going to school when I am prepared to go to school).

I need to set a time limit for time off...
I'm thinking 1-2 semesters off, that's it. 2 semesters is the limit. I have to be back in school, even if part-time (though I want to shoot for full-time, at least 12 credits), by Fall 2009.

A Discovery

French surrealist poets are incredible.
Paul Eluard and Andre Breton just poisoned my mind with romance, dreams, and impending disappointment.

I want to become fluent in French, and other languages after that, of course. I want to learn, but I want to teach myself. I do not like school. Perhaps because I have almost always been forced to be my own source of motivation, perhaps that is why I hate school but love teaching myself things.
When I last took a semester off, I taught myself accounting, pre-calculus, and read an obscene amount of literary classics. I tried to teach myself Mandarin Chinese, but that was a little too difficult. I spent at least 5 days a week studying by my own accord.

The problem is that I do wish to hold a college degree. I do. I do see how it is necessary, and important, and desirable, but I can't mesh with it. My GPA will go from below a 1 to a 4.0 from semester to semester depending on how I agree with things. It is always either below a 1 or above a 3.7, never in between. I don't think I'm ready for college. I don't think I am. I think there are things I want to learn, right now, that I must learn now or fail to be happy and satisfied. Those things, however, I want to teach myself. I am not even sure what I want to do in life, really. I know I want to do something, but I don't know what yet and I'm tired of switching majors and wasting money because I am young and immature in my own ways.

I want to escape the feeling of always, somehow, being a failure.
I didn't feel like a failure when I took a semester off and worked my ass off and taught myself what I wanted to learn.
I think I like learning one thing at a time, but very quickly. That is something that is hard to establish in a public higher education setting.

I wish I could just teach myself something for 4 years, take a test, ace it, and thus have a degree. Like a GED type of thing, but for post-secondary education.

Drop-Out

So I'm thinking about dropping out of this semester. I am already only taking 2 classes. I need more time to work, and I need time to work on myself. I am not in a very good mental state these days.
Especially since my ex-boyfriend is an evil cocksucker.
I'm not even going to go into that here. All I know is I officially hate my first person. I wouldn't mind pushing him off a cliff, and I have good reason to.

I need to get better. I need to be happier. And I need to be less stressed/anxious.

Update

So my great grandmother is in the hospital... not fun. I really hope she's alright and gets better.

I think I'm going to get my hair cut into something cute and short tomorrow on the UES. Yay. I hope it looks alright.

I am going to get a body piercing either tomorrow or Saturday I think. I don't know what I want yet-- my ears aren't even pierced. I've always wanted my tongue pierced, but I don't know if I really want it pierced... I have bad teeth and I don't like drawing attention to my mouth. I definitely don't want my eyebrow, nipple, no-no area, or lip pierced. So that leaves tongue, belly button (which I do want but I saw it done live on Oprah once when I was a kid and eating Spaghetti-Os and life has never quite been the same), nose (which I think may make me look too witchy because of my narrow yet sorta pointy nose), or just chicken out and get an ear piercing or two.
Any recommendations? Keep in mind that I am a big, big chicken. Last time I got my ears pierced I was in high school but I still cried and grabbed the teddy bear they keep in the piercing booth for toddlers. Yeah.
I really want another tattoo... I want to get one on my hip bone but I can't think of anything worthy of being inked. Like the other tattoo I got was something that I wanted since the 4th grade. I want my tattoos to be ultra meaningful.
I also have another ribbon on my tattoo that is blank and can be filled in with something, but I don't know what I want that to be either.
So yeah, in other news break ups are weird. Chris and I were trying to be friends, but I was all like I want to keep my distance, and then he convinced me we could actually be good friends, then the next day he like unfriended me from everything and whatnot without explanation. I don't need to deal with his instability anymore, so I'm not, I'm moving on. Whatever.
Things with Nathan are absolutely wonderful. I really feel like I have found my soulmate. I have never been happier. Everything we do together is powerful and amazing. Living together is really natural, but not boring. We just click in a really beautiful way and we bring the best out in each other. Yay!

I have been itching to travel more than ever lately. I want to see all the cities on the Rockstar drinks... Amsterdam especially. And Paris, Rome, Barcelona, Cairo, Brazil, Honolulu (again), San Francisco, Tokyo, Montreal, Mexico...
And I want to visit friends, so much. I want to travel and see everyone that I cut out of my life to some extent. I want to apologize. I want to work on being a whole person again.
I deleted most of my information from my Facebook because I do not really know what my favorite music or activities or movies are. I am not sure. There are many, many things I can't listen or see or do these days without feeling a great deal of pain. I am finding new things. I am learning new things. I like learning.
Speaking of learning, I have a paper due in like 2 hours that I haven't started, nor have I read the book or researched the material needed to start said paper. Hmm.

I Have Come to Realize...

1. I have come to realize that my butt:
Isn't much to look at, but it could be worse.

2. I have come to realize that when I talk:
People either don't hear me, don't understand me, or don't get me.

3. I have come to realize that, if I love someone:
I should try to make things healthy so love can grow.

4. I have come to realize that, I need:
Motivation.

5. I have come to realize that, I lost:
A lot of my childhood/teenage years.

6. I have come to realize that, I hate it when:
I try hard and fail.

7. I have come to realize that, if Im drunk:
I'm probably trying to escape something.

8. I have come to realize that, marriage:
May not be so terrible.

9. I have come to realize that, work:
Is something I must get used to.

10. I have come to realize that, I will always be:
"Weird".

11. I have come to realize that, I like:
Stability.

12. I have come to realize that, the last time I cried was:
Over missing the past, but not quite wanting it back, because I know it isn't possible.

13. I have come to realize that, my cell phone is:
Definitely refurbished.

14. I have come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:
I need coffee.

15. I have come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night:
I should wash my face-- well.

16. I have come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
A lump in my heart that is pure self dissatisfaction.

Confessional

When I was a little girl, I thought Freddie Mercury was the most attractive man alive. Something about him was so beautiful, and I felt very attracted to him.
Is that weird?

Memories at 4:40AM

One time I went and saw the Darjeeling Limited in Union Square with Chris and it turned horribly bad after a random fight of sorts in Forever 21 and he left me in Manhattan and went back to Astoria. I was sad and crying and frantically calling his cell to find him but my cell was dead so I used subway payphones. I was crying and all dressed up and this extraordinarily gentle gay man approached me. He was pure Andy Warhol, everything. He wanted to take my photograph for a book he was putting together of people in NYC. He was so nice, and just... exactly like Andy Warhol. I was quiet and mesmerized and glad to be his muse for just a minute. He had me write my email address in a small artsy notebook and promised to email the photo ASAP. Well, he did, that same night. I look at that photograph and I see stick legs holding up a strong woman. Introspective yet observant. I can almost sort of make out dried up tears on my checks that slightly streaked my makeup perhaps, at least to a perfectionist by disorder.
It is, in many respects, one of my favorite photographs of myself.

Silly Little Things

It's funny how silly things, even ones that you know to be full of BS, can be so entertaining. Like online quizzes or things that generate your Name In a Past Life or something. Magic 8 balls. Fortune Cookies. There's something about it that triggers this innate sense of sentimentality... like it's Santa Claus all over again. Like I know it's not real, it's empty, meaningless, mindless, but there is just a certain peaceful, insightful beauty about lying to yourself and believing for a second, or more.
In a past life, BlogThings says I was a "Peaceful Chief".
How 'bout that?

Redefining Myself

Hello all,
This blog is geared to the new and to rediscovering myself and starting over. It will act as a sort of personal journal, a vice, and a therapist all at once. It will be undeniably cheesy and self-involved, overly introspective, and quite random at times. The whims will meet the facts and they will often come to nothing but be mulled over nonetheless. I am a clean slate, and this blog will document the crap that I decide to color myself with, whether they be silly trends or life altering decisions. This is my personal space, meant to share my thoughts and times and inner conflicts with those who feel like caring or pretending to care, i.e. true friends, if there are such a thing. Read, ignore, abandon, worship, what have you, but I will not water anything down.

"I've stopped my dreaming,
I won't do too much scheming
These days, these days.
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten.
Please don't confront me with my failures,
I had not forgotten them"
-Nico, These Days

And yes, I will be overly emotional, emo at times perhaps, and all together annoying, so leave now while you can get out alive muahaha.