A Discovery

French surrealist poets are incredible.
Paul Eluard and Andre Breton just poisoned my mind with romance, dreams, and impending disappointment.

I want to become fluent in French, and other languages after that, of course. I want to learn, but I want to teach myself. I do not like school. Perhaps because I have almost always been forced to be my own source of motivation, perhaps that is why I hate school but love teaching myself things.
When I last took a semester off, I taught myself accounting, pre-calculus, and read an obscene amount of literary classics. I tried to teach myself Mandarin Chinese, but that was a little too difficult. I spent at least 5 days a week studying by my own accord.

The problem is that I do wish to hold a college degree. I do. I do see how it is necessary, and important, and desirable, but I can't mesh with it. My GPA will go from below a 1 to a 4.0 from semester to semester depending on how I agree with things. It is always either below a 1 or above a 3.7, never in between. I don't think I'm ready for college. I don't think I am. I think there are things I want to learn, right now, that I must learn now or fail to be happy and satisfied. Those things, however, I want to teach myself. I am not even sure what I want to do in life, really. I know I want to do something, but I don't know what yet and I'm tired of switching majors and wasting money because I am young and immature in my own ways.

I want to escape the feeling of always, somehow, being a failure.
I didn't feel like a failure when I took a semester off and worked my ass off and taught myself what I wanted to learn.
I think I like learning one thing at a time, but very quickly. That is something that is hard to establish in a public higher education setting.

I wish I could just teach myself something for 4 years, take a test, ace it, and thus have a degree. Like a GED type of thing, but for post-secondary education.