So I've more or less relocated to tumblr: http://bushyloft.tumblr.com/
I'll still post here from time to time.
I guess I'll do a short post now. I'm very tired. I spent sunday morning in the hospital in morningside heights after being carried out of a columbia dorm on a stretcher. food poisoning. and my heart rate was twice what it is supposed to be, so they thought i was about to have a heart attack. they kept giving me fluids and benzos and shit but i really just wanted to go home so i checked myself out and went home. today is the first day i feel almost 100 percent better. oh, new york, why do you only deal me drama lately?
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Pomegranate my ass!
Smirnoff Pomegranate Twists SUCK ASS. I just turned 21 at midnight and I celebrated with a 6 pack and I can't even finish the second one. It is CHERRY FUCKIN' COUGH MEDICINE. I don't taste pomegranate. And I found out each one has the calorie contents of like, a rather fulfilling meal.
So yeah, I'm 21.... can't wait to celebrate it with my best friend Mike on Saturday. It's going to be awesome. My first trip back to NYC in a tiny tiny bit over 3 months. That's insane. I've never gone that long without NYC since... August 2005. Actually no, I believe I wasn't allowed to travel back to NYC after that August... so I guess it was January 2006, when I first moved to the city.
The biggest drawback of drinking is definitely the need to pee every 5 minutes.
So yeah, I'm 21.... can't wait to celebrate it with my best friend Mike on Saturday. It's going to be awesome. My first trip back to NYC in a tiny tiny bit over 3 months. That's insane. I've never gone that long without NYC since... August 2005. Actually no, I believe I wasn't allowed to travel back to NYC after that August... so I guess it was January 2006, when I first moved to the city.
The biggest drawback of drinking is definitely the need to pee every 5 minutes.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Division
I hear your songs in waves through nightmares
Made to touch me, your words have improved.
I wish we could be just friends but make love through art--
My breath on your music, your dick in my prose.
I took all the drugs, wrote poetry about you and daddy issues
While dreaming to Joy Division, nostalgic for something I never even had.
Love will tear us apart, again...
Could there be truth in that, my dear?
You know me, though I've made it a fact to change
To disguise myself from you
I'm the wolf dressed as a sheep, as a grandma, as your worst enemy.
Baby don't let love tear us apart.
Please don't let love tear us apart, this time.
I don't want any lover, I just want your company.
I think of you every day.
But that doesn't mean enough, does it?
Our history won't allow us to be platonic.
Too much love made in ghost cars to Sonic Youth.
We were a hot mess, you and I.
It seems like now we don't have a choice, for awhile.
We have a long way to go
Our separate ways are the hardest ways
I'm getting stronger for you, in the future Marty.
I hope you are doing the same.
Please don't let love tear us apart.
I got a few more years of playing
Louise Brooks with a coke nose
You got a few more years of playing
Brad Pitt with a guitar.
It'll all be over soon.
One day we'll get high on scales and rhymes.
You know I'll always love and despise you,
As soulmates often do.
Love will tear us a new one
Again.
Made to touch me, your words have improved.
I wish we could be just friends but make love through art--
My breath on your music, your dick in my prose.
I took all the drugs, wrote poetry about you and daddy issues
While dreaming to Joy Division, nostalgic for something I never even had.
Love will tear us apart, again...
Could there be truth in that, my dear?
You know me, though I've made it a fact to change
To disguise myself from you
I'm the wolf dressed as a sheep, as a grandma, as your worst enemy.
Baby don't let love tear us apart.
Please don't let love tear us apart, this time.
I don't want any lover, I just want your company.
I think of you every day.
But that doesn't mean enough, does it?
Our history won't allow us to be platonic.
Too much love made in ghost cars to Sonic Youth.
We were a hot mess, you and I.
It seems like now we don't have a choice, for awhile.
We have a long way to go
Our separate ways are the hardest ways
I'm getting stronger for you, in the future Marty.
I hope you are doing the same.
Please don't let love tear us apart.
I got a few more years of playing
Louise Brooks with a coke nose
You got a few more years of playing
Brad Pitt with a guitar.
It'll all be over soon.
One day we'll get high on scales and rhymes.
You know I'll always love and despise you,
As soulmates often do.
Love will tear us a new one
Again.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Yay
Your result for The Fashion Icon or Fashion Freak Test...
The Artsy Soul
You scored 24 points out of 40 on Wacky and 33 points out of 52 on Tasteful! Well done!
Nor Fashion Icon, nor Fashion Freak.
Well done! You scored high on Tastefulness! Indeed, that's a nice result, since this test wasn't the easiest one for sure. You have a well developed sense for fashion and stylish garment. Either you're interested in fashion trends or it's a natural thing, because most of your answers were surprisingly accurate. There's some room for improvements though.
You also scored high on Wacky, which allows me to assume that you're a creative and stylish person with a distinctive taste for clothing or The Artsy Soul! I'd guess that there's no place for black on the list of your favourite colours, right? You're way more likely to be seen wearing something bright, original and striking. You know your limits though, and you would never let yourself go beyond them, which means that there's no risk of turning into a Fashion Disaster.
See All The Categories
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Things I Love
Guava shisha. There's this place right off Tompkin Square Park that has decently priced hookahs and they have guava shisha. The best part is that they also have really fresh, authentic guava juice. Pairing the guava juice with the guava shisha was one of the best decisions I've made in my life. Sad? Perhaps.
Devendra Banhart's music has the power to make me cry. It also has the power to motivate me more than nearly anything else. I live on top of a huge hill, and I mean like a gigantic, steep, scary, extremely long hill (actually it is a mountain), and recently I decided to go walking down, then back up, the hill after months of sitting on my ass doing nothing. I listened to Devendra Banhart on my iPod, and I swear it gave me the strength to keep going when I seriously thought I was having a heart attack. Plus he just has one of the most beautiful auras about him... he seems to have a beautiful spirit.
Buenos Aires. I've never been (haven't been out of the country besides an hour spent in Canada), but if I had the financial means, you can bet I'd be on the next plane there. Argentina fascinates me. I wish all neighborhoods had such brightly colored buildings.
Mascara on bottom lashes. You can do a lot of cool things with it, such as only putting mascara on the bottom lashes and leaving the rest of the eye bare, or using white eyeliner to line the whole eye, then using black mascara on the bottom and top lashes (I did this for a futuristic themed New Year's Eve party).
The Spring 2009 line from Jeremy Scott called "Let Them Eat Gas" is spectacular. It's just really fucking cool. And that's all I have to say about that, in the words of the great Forrest Gump.
Copenhagen, Denmark is one of those places that I'm scared to visit because I think I might never want to come back. It's so gorgeous and seems quite happening.~*~
On other notes:
Another sleepless night. Another 48 hours of not wanting anything more than a paying job so I can get back to NYC.
Above, you see the view from Astoria Park in Queens. It still ranks as one of my favorite places in the world. That used to be practically my backyard. I miss Astoria more than most people know. It was probably the first place I ever fell head over heels in love with. I mean, the East Village means a lot to me because it was the first place I lived in NYC, because of my dorm room, but it wasn't the same as Astoria... it was the first place I ever had my own apartment, the first place I had to pay rent on... I took so much pride in the neighborhood, even if the apartment was seriously the biggest piece of shit you could think of (especially considering how every August it would, literally, flood with shit, as in fecal material). Rent is so high there now, I don't think I'll be able to return til quite some time, and I think it'll never be the same... for many reasons.
Sometimes sleep deprivation can be far more trippy than most drugs. Sometimes I wonder if it is my favorite drug. Sometimes I think I might be addicted. Feeling woozy for a few days, beginning to see things, thinking loopy, completely out of the ordinary, but for me, lately, some of my most insightful moments... and it's free, free of monetary charge.... watching the sun come up, watching it set... and then crashing, when you finally go to bed, and it feels like it has been years, and then you sleep for an entire day, and wake up feeling reborn, yet almost hungover from sleep, so you have a cup of coffee to fight the headache and the cycle starts all over again. I hate to say it, but I love it. When I get a job, I know I'll have to stop, or at least cut back on the sleep deprivation. But it'll be worth it to have the maaaney so I can get back to my city.
**I do not own any of the photos above**
Sunday, March 15, 2009
City Girl vs Country Gal
I've been single now for quite awhile, and since the economy has left me unemployed at the same time, I have a lot of free time to think and examine myself. Considering nearly the entirety of my identity was previously based on being in a serious relationship, I've had to start from near scratch just trying to figure out who the hell I am, and learn to love whatever that may be.
Well, I'm doing a great job with that. I'm very confident these days, and I love being single. In the course of "figuring out who I am" there's been one topic in particular that is really difficult for me to sort out.
Am I a city person or a country/suburb person? Considering I don't drive, it is obvious that being in the city gives me a lot of freedom. Getting a license though wouldn't be hard for me, as I know how to drive and just need to learn how to park really. So I've forced myself to not consider the driving issue here, to imagine living in the country/suburbs and being able to drive. When I lived in the city before, I was very flawed in my behavior. I'd get bad anxiety and not leave the apartment for days, sometimes weeks. I feel like living out here in CT, as I am right now, has given me so much fresh air and time to work on those issues that gave me anxiety, and to build up my confidence. It is hard to be confident when you are just a shell of a person, and I'd like to think that I've really filled in that shell since my last trip to the city.
I don't know. I think I know deep down I've always been a city person, and though I've come to appreciate the beauty of CT and New England, it just isn't for me. I love hiking and being in the woods, but I prefer to walk around for hours in a park and then get out and walk to a coffeeshop or a delicious pizza place and grab a slice, to not feel obligated to wave to people, to be able to blend in or stand out depending on the situation or mood I'm in. I don't really have that option here. I stand out even when I pretend to be suburban and dress in American Eagle and put my hair in a ponytail.
The problem is that being here for so long has led me to meet amazing people. I don't view my stay here as permanent, even when I try to. I promised myself I would not compromise anything of value to me for a relationship ever again, and I'm afraid that a lot of amazing people here in CT that could be potential lovers hate the city. The problem with CT is that most of the artistic, creative people here are very into nature and quiet or being able to stand out easily. I LOVE nature, really, I do, but I appreciate it most when it's a small park surrounded by tall skyscrapers. When it's special. My favorite thing when I was a kid was hiding under a blanket inside by the window on a rainy day. I felt a sense of being protected, comforted, sheltered. To me, that's what urban parks are. You can see the city, hear it, and it's banging on the window and setting the mood, but it can't get in.
I'm really afraid of meeting someone here and falling in love and convincing myself that I'm some country or suburban girl. I need to focus on getting myself back to the city. It's important to me. And I know that once I get there, I will just bitch and moan about it, but I think that in a way that's a kind of similar trait among New Yorkers... like you bitch about parking or you bitch about the subways or some homeless dude that pooped on the platform next to you, but really you love your city and it means a lot to you, and all the annoyances, big and small, really add character to the city. I need to get back. I need to focus on that.
Well, I'm doing a great job with that. I'm very confident these days, and I love being single. In the course of "figuring out who I am" there's been one topic in particular that is really difficult for me to sort out.
Am I a city person or a country/suburb person? Considering I don't drive, it is obvious that being in the city gives me a lot of freedom. Getting a license though wouldn't be hard for me, as I know how to drive and just need to learn how to park really. So I've forced myself to not consider the driving issue here, to imagine living in the country/suburbs and being able to drive. When I lived in the city before, I was very flawed in my behavior. I'd get bad anxiety and not leave the apartment for days, sometimes weeks. I feel like living out here in CT, as I am right now, has given me so much fresh air and time to work on those issues that gave me anxiety, and to build up my confidence. It is hard to be confident when you are just a shell of a person, and I'd like to think that I've really filled in that shell since my last trip to the city.
I don't know. I think I know deep down I've always been a city person, and though I've come to appreciate the beauty of CT and New England, it just isn't for me. I love hiking and being in the woods, but I prefer to walk around for hours in a park and then get out and walk to a coffeeshop or a delicious pizza place and grab a slice, to not feel obligated to wave to people, to be able to blend in or stand out depending on the situation or mood I'm in. I don't really have that option here. I stand out even when I pretend to be suburban and dress in American Eagle and put my hair in a ponytail.
The problem is that being here for so long has led me to meet amazing people. I don't view my stay here as permanent, even when I try to. I promised myself I would not compromise anything of value to me for a relationship ever again, and I'm afraid that a lot of amazing people here in CT that could be potential lovers hate the city. The problem with CT is that most of the artistic, creative people here are very into nature and quiet or being able to stand out easily. I LOVE nature, really, I do, but I appreciate it most when it's a small park surrounded by tall skyscrapers. When it's special. My favorite thing when I was a kid was hiding under a blanket inside by the window on a rainy day. I felt a sense of being protected, comforted, sheltered. To me, that's what urban parks are. You can see the city, hear it, and it's banging on the window and setting the mood, but it can't get in.
I'm really afraid of meeting someone here and falling in love and convincing myself that I'm some country or suburban girl. I need to focus on getting myself back to the city. It's important to me. And I know that once I get there, I will just bitch and moan about it, but I think that in a way that's a kind of similar trait among New Yorkers... like you bitch about parking or you bitch about the subways or some homeless dude that pooped on the platform next to you, but really you love your city and it means a lot to you, and all the annoyances, big and small, really add character to the city. I need to get back. I need to focus on that.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Some Pictures
Mike with his crazy sexxxy yamaka.
We found a guru who taught us how to party and looked up to the Gods and Goddesses and said "let there be fun".
The guru then told me that cannibalism was the way to go, so he turned me into a giant and I ate this unfortunate woman.
All that human flesh turned me into a hipster the next afternoon.
I wanted to become a guru too. This is my best guru face with guru come hither bedroom eyes.
The guru taught us how to get high off crayolas. Feel the burn.
The crayolas left me wanting more art in my system, so I decided to get drunk off this magical paint shit. Rock on?
The guru turned into Mike and he started blowing into this weird foreign toy musical instrument that was magikal and brought us all good luck and large breasts.
I think this was the first picture of the sleepovah. Here I am, looking a little too crazy and sober for Newtown.
This sexxxy guru claims that the bird in this picture was accidental. LIES.
This is my new boyfriend Frederico Suave Bernando Perez Gonzalez. He's too big for the locket, no?
I started to get pretty weird and make faces like I was up to something. Sure enough, I was. Everyone woke up to the eggs hidden around the house, a dead Easter bunny, and their fingers in glasses of water. This is why I don't get invited out more often.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Back
I decided to make a grand return to blogspot, as I have vented out most private feelings and such on the ol' LJ. Out of system, out of sight, out of mind.
I have so many wonderful things to share.
Not really. But it feels that way, perhaps because today was so warm and nice.
I had the best time with Mike and Jill. I think Mike's mom liked me : )
We probably took over 100 pictures but most of them were like, the best pictures ever. I have some songs I want to share, but I'm not sure how to. Here we go. I'll link em.
Devendra Banhart- Shabop Shalom
Devendra Banhart- Lover
Adam Green- Baby's Gonna Die Tonight
Adam Green- Morning After Midnight
Little Joy- No One's Better Sake
Lou Reed- A Walk On the Wild Side (with awesome video/pictures of NYC)
I'm near obsessed with Adam Green and Devendra Banhart right now. Like I haven't felt this in love with music since I first heard Elliott Smith. I'm thinking of filling in the other banner of my tattoo with AG for Adam Green. The one banner has "XO" for the Elliott Smith song/album.
I feel like Adam Green and Devendra Banhart are going to have a huge influence on me, and help me get through a lot of things. I feel like I just don't give a shit anymore, but in the most wonderful way. I walked through Newtown today with everyone home from spring break and a colorful scarf wrapped Indian style around my head and people stared I bet, and I didn't give a shit. I think I ignored some old friends maybe but I wasn't sure if it was them or not because I wasn't wearing glasses or contacts.
I have the most fantastic plans for my next apartment. I'm going to buy a bunch of art off my artistic friends (they are the most talented people in the world, I am blessed) and cover my apartment with that and photography and some wire sculptures and shit. It's going to be amazing.
I have so many wonderful things to share.
Not really. But it feels that way, perhaps because today was so warm and nice.
I had the best time with Mike and Jill. I think Mike's mom liked me : )
We probably took over 100 pictures but most of them were like, the best pictures ever. I have some songs I want to share, but I'm not sure how to. Here we go. I'll link em.
Devendra Banhart- Shabop Shalom
Devendra Banhart- Lover
Adam Green- Baby's Gonna Die Tonight
Adam Green- Morning After Midnight
Little Joy- No One's Better Sake
Lou Reed- A Walk On the Wild Side (with awesome video/pictures of NYC)
I'm near obsessed with Adam Green and Devendra Banhart right now. Like I haven't felt this in love with music since I first heard Elliott Smith. I'm thinking of filling in the other banner of my tattoo with AG for Adam Green. The one banner has "XO" for the Elliott Smith song/album.
I feel like Adam Green and Devendra Banhart are going to have a huge influence on me, and help me get through a lot of things. I feel like I just don't give a shit anymore, but in the most wonderful way. I walked through Newtown today with everyone home from spring break and a colorful scarf wrapped Indian style around my head and people stared I bet, and I didn't give a shit. I think I ignored some old friends maybe but I wasn't sure if it was them or not because I wasn't wearing glasses or contacts.
I have the most fantastic plans for my next apartment. I'm going to buy a bunch of art off my artistic friends (they are the most talented people in the world, I am blessed) and cover my apartment with that and photography and some wire sculptures and shit. It's going to be amazing.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Trying to Stay Awake
25 Things You Always Wanted to Know about Me (AKA I'm bored and trying to stay awake):
1. I am an extremely heavy sleeper and have trouble waking up to alarms. Or anything really... please don't draw on me...
2. I have a secret love for theater, and the performing arts in general.
3. My biggest desire in life is to be a creative muse and try to enjoy family and art and love and all life has to offer.
4. I got a pretty scarily high SAT score. I also got into colleges you probably wouldn't think I got into.
5. I'm a vegetarian but I eat meat when I crave it or when I'm so poor I have to eat off the dollar menu or something. My favorite meat is pepperoni.
6. I once had an allergic reaction to morphine in the hospital and my fever got up to 106.3 or something crazy and I was completely out of it. Like no drug ever could capture that sort of delusional realm.
7. I have a poor immune system but I think it's getting better after living in NYC.
8. I no longer want to move back to NYC. I want to stay in CT for awhile and sort things out.
9. My favorite mode of transportation is train.
10. I recently developed an obsession with the Strokes, the Beatles, "Layla" by Eric Clapton, Patti Boyd (the most beautiful muse ever), and the song "Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying" by Belle & Sebastian.
11. I secretly want to get a Doctorate degree. Not sure in what yet. I don't like to think about it in case I can't afford it.
12. I dropped out of college despite having an awesome GPA to wait til I can pay for it myself and not depend on other people.
13. I sometimes wonder if I will always be attracted to musicians. I think it may be starting to fade, but I've really never known anything else, as someone pointed out, and it is weird to think of a boyfriend who doesn't know a thing about music. And the ugliest dude could pick up a guitar, learn a pretty song, and get laid. It just makes people hotter. I think this is really just vain immaturity though. I will probably grow out of it, in fact probably pretty soon.
14. I miss working with kids.
15. Top 2 Hottest Celebrity Men Ever Right Now: Julian Casablancas (singer from the Strokes) and Ed Westwick (Chuck Bass, Gossip Girl). That guy from Across the Universe is hot too.
16. I secretly wish I was a musician but I just don't got it in me.
17. I have really bad anxiety but I don't show it too often anymore.
18. I believe a lot in astrology. Or at least I find it eerie.
19. I always wanted school uniforms as a kid. Wanted to go to Catholic school. Church. Take private lessons. I was a goody2shoes.
20. I sometimes twitch and act like I'm very sick to get a seat by myself on trains and subways. And buses. Especially buses. I love those single seats.
21. I'll probably remember your shoe size if you told me 5 years ago but I won't remember the last time we hung out or what I ate for breakfast.
22. I have surprisingly high self esteem, really. Which is weird because I had the worst self esteem until like... I don't know when it changed. Relatively recently. I am quietly cocky.
23. I really want to learn how to be more social. I suck at talking.
24. I'm scared of rodents. Like, really, really scared of rodents.
25. I rode an elephant a few times and a llama and a camel.
1. I am an extremely heavy sleeper and have trouble waking up to alarms. Or anything really... please don't draw on me...
2. I have a secret love for theater, and the performing arts in general.
3. My biggest desire in life is to be a creative muse and try to enjoy family and art and love and all life has to offer.
4. I got a pretty scarily high SAT score. I also got into colleges you probably wouldn't think I got into.
5. I'm a vegetarian but I eat meat when I crave it or when I'm so poor I have to eat off the dollar menu or something. My favorite meat is pepperoni.
6. I once had an allergic reaction to morphine in the hospital and my fever got up to 106.3 or something crazy and I was completely out of it. Like no drug ever could capture that sort of delusional realm.
7. I have a poor immune system but I think it's getting better after living in NYC.
8. I no longer want to move back to NYC. I want to stay in CT for awhile and sort things out.
9. My favorite mode of transportation is train.
10. I recently developed an obsession with the Strokes, the Beatles, "Layla" by Eric Clapton, Patti Boyd (the most beautiful muse ever), and the song "Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying" by Belle & Sebastian.
11. I secretly want to get a Doctorate degree. Not sure in what yet. I don't like to think about it in case I can't afford it.
12. I dropped out of college despite having an awesome GPA to wait til I can pay for it myself and not depend on other people.
13. I sometimes wonder if I will always be attracted to musicians. I think it may be starting to fade, but I've really never known anything else, as someone pointed out, and it is weird to think of a boyfriend who doesn't know a thing about music. And the ugliest dude could pick up a guitar, learn a pretty song, and get laid. It just makes people hotter. I think this is really just vain immaturity though. I will probably grow out of it, in fact probably pretty soon.
14. I miss working with kids.
15. Top 2 Hottest Celebrity Men Ever Right Now: Julian Casablancas (singer from the Strokes) and Ed Westwick (Chuck Bass, Gossip Girl). That guy from Across the Universe is hot too.
16. I secretly wish I was a musician but I just don't got it in me.
17. I have really bad anxiety but I don't show it too often anymore.
18. I believe a lot in astrology. Or at least I find it eerie.
19. I always wanted school uniforms as a kid. Wanted to go to Catholic school. Church. Take private lessons. I was a goody2shoes.
20. I sometimes twitch and act like I'm very sick to get a seat by myself on trains and subways. And buses. Especially buses. I love those single seats.
21. I'll probably remember your shoe size if you told me 5 years ago but I won't remember the last time we hung out or what I ate for breakfast.
22. I have surprisingly high self esteem, really. Which is weird because I had the worst self esteem until like... I don't know when it changed. Relatively recently. I am quietly cocky.
23. I really want to learn how to be more social. I suck at talking.
24. I'm scared of rodents. Like, really, really scared of rodents.
25. I rode an elephant a few times and a llama and a camel.
Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying
The title refers to an awesome Belle & Sebastian song. I'm not being emo, haha.
I'm up, 5AM.
I lost my job.
A lot of shit went down this week.
I had to throw away a lot of my possessions.
I'm broke.
I realized I have some awesome friends.
I realized that certain people are toxic for me right now.
I'm sober, and committed to sobriety for at least a month. I'm already noticing an improvement. My interest is peaked in a variety of topics, I'm more social (this one surprised me), I want to read, write, and be more creative.
I realized that I think I probably have a lot of issues. I am looking to religion since I can't afford counseling, and it makes me happy.
I prayed today to the sound of church bells and read a passage from the Bible about possessions not mattering as I threw away about 30 garbage bags of stuff and almost all my furniture and I prayed and asked for help and then I felt like I should turn on the radio, and I did, didn't even change the station, and "You Look Wonderful Tonight" was followed by "Layla" (both songs inspired by my idol Patti Boyd). I had the biggest smile on my face. Then I put on Molly & Ashley's Mix CDs and got more of a laugh.
I decided to become sober because I think I've only changed for the worst for the most part since high school, and I'm unhappy with myself. I need a change, some guidance. Reading old LiveJournal post led me to this discovery.
I'm working through it. I'm going to fix myself up. I need to.
I'm up, 5AM.
I lost my job.
A lot of shit went down this week.
I had to throw away a lot of my possessions.
I'm broke.
I realized I have some awesome friends.
I realized that certain people are toxic for me right now.
I'm sober, and committed to sobriety for at least a month. I'm already noticing an improvement. My interest is peaked in a variety of topics, I'm more social (this one surprised me), I want to read, write, and be more creative.
I realized that I think I probably have a lot of issues. I am looking to religion since I can't afford counseling, and it makes me happy.
I prayed today to the sound of church bells and read a passage from the Bible about possessions not mattering as I threw away about 30 garbage bags of stuff and almost all my furniture and I prayed and asked for help and then I felt like I should turn on the radio, and I did, didn't even change the station, and "You Look Wonderful Tonight" was followed by "Layla" (both songs inspired by my idol Patti Boyd). I had the biggest smile on my face. Then I put on Molly & Ashley's Mix CDs and got more of a laugh.
I decided to become sober because I think I've only changed for the worst for the most part since high school, and I'm unhappy with myself. I need a change, some guidance. Reading old LiveJournal post led me to this discovery.
I'm working through it. I'm going to fix myself up. I need to.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Fatigued, thinking.
So things are definitely weird lately. I feel depressed and am totally failing at life. i read over a bunch of old livejournal entries and i feel as if i've really gone nowhere fast. i miss high school, things were a lot better then and i never thought i'd ever think that.
it's amazing how much i cant handle real life.
i get frustrated with my feelings and how i sometimes fall hard and quick, both in and out of love.
i hate not knowing what to say.
I think I'll look back on my life though and think that I ended up getting some hot ass and having a lot of fun while I was young, and I think either everything will be ok or I will die young.
Last night I got so preoccupied with the thought of me dying before 30, and I just sat on that notion for the whole night.
I really dislike myself, and most of my qualities.
I really want to feel love again, even though I shouldn't.
it's amazing how much i cant handle real life.
i get frustrated with my feelings and how i sometimes fall hard and quick, both in and out of love.
i hate not knowing what to say.
I think I'll look back on my life though and think that I ended up getting some hot ass and having a lot of fun while I was young, and I think either everything will be ok or I will die young.
Last night I got so preoccupied with the thought of me dying before 30, and I just sat on that notion for the whole night.
I really dislike myself, and most of my qualities.
I really want to feel love again, even though I shouldn't.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Survey, I'm bored
A
- Available: Taken, unless you want to be my lesbian luvah.
- Age: 20, grr.
- Annoyance: See above. I can't go to any place cool on a Saturday night. Sigh.
- Animal: Cats. But my spirit animal is a hawk.
B
- Beer: PBR, Red Stripe, Blue Moon, Molson.
- Birthday: May 1st.
- Best Friend: Mike, Mary.
- Best feeling in the world: Having a group of completely different people come see you perform and then go out together and they all bond somehow.
- Blind or Deaf: Oh gosh. I debate this question too much. I want to say deaf but I think just hearing my own voice in my head would make me go crazy.
- Best weather: Spring, misting in the morning.
- Been in Love: Yeah.
- Been on stage: Yep.
- Believe in Magic: I like to keep an open mind, but I have my doubts.
- Believe in Santa: Hahaha. Umm... no.
C
- Candy: I like the chocolate variety, especially when peanut butter is involved.
- Color: Red, purple, fuchsia.
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate with most things, but I prefer vanilla ice cream with hot fudge to chocolate ice cream with hot fudge.
- Chinese/Mexican: Mexican!
- Cake or pie: Pie, except I don't like pumpkin pie much, and I love red velvet cake. Really I'm more of a tiramisu type of girl.
- Continent to visit: Europe, though I've never been.
- Cheese: Meh, not a big fan. I like mozzarella and muenster enough I guess.
D
- Day or Night: Night. Or early morning, like 4-6AM.
- Dance in the rain: My favorite.
E
- Eyes: Dark brown.
- Everyone has: their own self-interest in mind.
- Ever failed a class?: Technically, yes. But never because I can't do the work or understand the material. My first semester of college I just stopped going to classes for no real reason. Dumb move.
F
- Full name: Ashley Nicole Hughes
- First thoughts waking up: What the hell time is it?
- Food: Yes, I like food.
G
- Greatest Fear: Going batshit insane and hearing voices or something. Being a vegetable. Losing loved ones prematurely.
- Goals: To live life fully, take every opportunity worth taking, take risks, do things my own way, not let anyone control me, and to eventually go back to school and finish my degree. Oh and have a lead role in a play, even if it is a shitty one.
- Gum: I freaking hate the sound of people chewing gum.
- Get along with your parents: To an extent.
H
- Hair Color: Black.
- Height: 5'6"-5'7"
- Happy: Trying to be.
- Holiday: New Year's Eve. And I think I'm the only one who I've met who feels that way.
- How do you want to die: in my sleep or in a tragic gruesome pedestrian vs unicycle crash.
I
- Ice Cream: Peanut butter.
- Instrument: I'm more of the groupie type... I played viola in 4th grade and for a month in 5th grade before I quit and cried and made the teacher made because I was the only viola player in the school.
J
- Jewelry: Rings, bitches. Necklaces are cool too. Silver over gold.
- Job: Web editor.
K
- Kids: Are cool.
- Kickboxing or karate: I don't know, I'd do either one. Probably more likely to do kickboxing though because there seems to be more free classes of those.
- Keep a journal: A blog.
L
- Longest Car Ride: I think I went from Maine to Florida once. If not, I definitely went from NY state to Florida.
- Love: Julian Casablancas from the Strokes... mmmm... Oh and my friends, family, and my boyfriend <3
- Letter: F. Or V. Or P. Or A. Or S.
- Laughed so hard you cried: Earlier today, when I was talking such nonsense like the guy from 30 Rock and didn't make sense and then made myself almost pee a little laughing.
M
- Milk flavor: Silk Soy Milk in Coffee flavor!
- Movies: Wes Anderson, Michel Gondry, and really random stuff that most people can't appreciate enough.
- Motion sickness: I freaking hate motion sickness, but I get it too often.
- McD’s or BK: Neither. Taco Bell or Wendy's if I have to.
N
- Number of Siblings: One.
- Number of Piercings: It's complicated.
- Number: 6.
O
- One wish: To travel!
P
- Perfect Pizza: New York pizza with a little extra sauce, maybe some garlic or onions. And artichoke hearts are delicious. Spinach is good too sometimes.
- Pepsi/Coke: Diet coke.
Q
- Quote: "Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes."
-Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray".
R
- Reason to cry: The economy.
- Reality TV: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. That's real, right?
- Radio Station: Oldies. Because I'm a little odd like that.
- Roll your tongue in a circle: WTF does that mean? Like curl my tongue? Yeah I can do that.
- Ring size: I don't remember. I think it was something like 7, give or take a half size?
S
- Song: "Something" by the Beatles. It always changes though.
- Shoe size: 8.5
- Salad Dressing: Balsamic vinaigrette, sometimes French if I'm in that sort of mood.
- Sushi: Vegetarian sushi.
- Skipped school: Uh yeah, I sort of have a problem with attendance.
- Slept outside: In a tent.
- Smoked: Yes.
- Skinny dipped: I don't *think* so... but one can never be too sure of their drunken escapades.
- Sing well: Not really. Apparently I can "This Will Be Our Year" by the Zombies alright.
- In the shower: No, I'm not in the shower at the moment, that would fry my laptop.
- Swear: Yes.
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Both are delicious.
T
- Time for bed: Who the hell knows lately.
- Thunderstorms: My favorite.
U
- Unpredictable: My sleep patterns.
V
- Vacation spot: Road trip cross country this summer via public transportation! And then Hawaii! And Mexico!
W
- Weakness: Musicians.
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: Not sure. I guess Mike and I probably have the most in common as far as thought processes/behavior/ideas go.
- Who makes you laugh the most: Mike, Meghann, Rob, Brienne, Josh, and my darlin'.
- Worst feeling: Feeling helpless.
- Wanted to be a model: I used to do some freelance modeling, I got pretty into it. I did a commercial for some public TV station in Long Island... crap like that.
- Where do we go when we die: We rock the Casbah.
- Worst Weather: Cold, snowy, icy, windy, or super hot.
X
- X-Rays: Yeah, I've had plenty. I'm a wild woman! Bahahaha.
Y
-Year it is now: 2009
-Yellow: Submarine.
Z
- Zoo animal: Lions, and tigers, and bears, OH MY!
LAST PERSON WHO…
1. Slept in a bed beside you: My cats. Do they count? Abby snuggled with me last night, it was cute. As for human, my mom... I had the scariest nightmare of my life the other night and was shaking and didn't want to sleep alone. Yeah I'm fucking pathetic.
2. You went to the mall with: I seriously have no idea... malls are a bit useless in NYC.
3. You went to dinner with: My darlin', I believe.
4. You talked to on the phone: See above.
5. Made you laugh: See above.
6. Hugged you: See above. Oh no, maybe it was my great grandma or aunt... yeah it probably was.
7. Said they loved you: My darlin'.
8. You kissed: See above.
9. You spoke with: My mom?
10. You cried over: That's a depressing last question.
- Available: Taken, unless you want to be my lesbian luvah.
- Age: 20, grr.
- Annoyance: See above. I can't go to any place cool on a Saturday night. Sigh.
- Animal: Cats. But my spirit animal is a hawk.
B
- Beer: PBR, Red Stripe, Blue Moon, Molson.
- Birthday: May 1st.
- Best Friend: Mike, Mary.
- Best feeling in the world: Having a group of completely different people come see you perform and then go out together and they all bond somehow.
- Blind or Deaf: Oh gosh. I debate this question too much. I want to say deaf but I think just hearing my own voice in my head would make me go crazy.
- Best weather: Spring, misting in the morning.
- Been in Love: Yeah.
- Been on stage: Yep.
- Believe in Magic: I like to keep an open mind, but I have my doubts.
- Believe in Santa: Hahaha. Umm... no.
C
- Candy: I like the chocolate variety, especially when peanut butter is involved.
- Color: Red, purple, fuchsia.
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate with most things, but I prefer vanilla ice cream with hot fudge to chocolate ice cream with hot fudge.
- Chinese/Mexican: Mexican!
- Cake or pie: Pie, except I don't like pumpkin pie much, and I love red velvet cake. Really I'm more of a tiramisu type of girl.
- Continent to visit: Europe, though I've never been.
- Cheese: Meh, not a big fan. I like mozzarella and muenster enough I guess.
D
- Day or Night: Night. Or early morning, like 4-6AM.
- Dance in the rain: My favorite.
E
- Eyes: Dark brown.
- Everyone has: their own self-interest in mind.
- Ever failed a class?: Technically, yes. But never because I can't do the work or understand the material. My first semester of college I just stopped going to classes for no real reason. Dumb move.
F
- Full name: Ashley Nicole Hughes
- First thoughts waking up: What the hell time is it?
- Food: Yes, I like food.
G
- Greatest Fear: Going batshit insane and hearing voices or something. Being a vegetable. Losing loved ones prematurely.
- Goals: To live life fully, take every opportunity worth taking, take risks, do things my own way, not let anyone control me, and to eventually go back to school and finish my degree. Oh and have a lead role in a play, even if it is a shitty one.
- Gum: I freaking hate the sound of people chewing gum.
- Get along with your parents: To an extent.
H
- Hair Color: Black.
- Height: 5'6"-5'7"
- Happy: Trying to be.
- Holiday: New Year's Eve. And I think I'm the only one who I've met who feels that way.
- How do you want to die: in my sleep or in a tragic gruesome pedestrian vs unicycle crash.
I
- Ice Cream: Peanut butter.
- Instrument: I'm more of the groupie type... I played viola in 4th grade and for a month in 5th grade before I quit and cried and made the teacher made because I was the only viola player in the school.
J
- Jewelry: Rings, bitches. Necklaces are cool too. Silver over gold.
- Job: Web editor.
K
- Kids: Are cool.
- Kickboxing or karate: I don't know, I'd do either one. Probably more likely to do kickboxing though because there seems to be more free classes of those.
- Keep a journal: A blog.
L
- Longest Car Ride: I think I went from Maine to Florida once. If not, I definitely went from NY state to Florida.
- Love: Julian Casablancas from the Strokes... mmmm... Oh and my friends, family, and my boyfriend <3
- Letter: F. Or V. Or P. Or A. Or S.
- Laughed so hard you cried: Earlier today, when I was talking such nonsense like the guy from 30 Rock and didn't make sense and then made myself almost pee a little laughing.
M
- Milk flavor: Silk Soy Milk in Coffee flavor!
- Movies: Wes Anderson, Michel Gondry, and really random stuff that most people can't appreciate enough.
- Motion sickness: I freaking hate motion sickness, but I get it too often.
- McD’s or BK: Neither. Taco Bell or Wendy's if I have to.
N
- Number of Siblings: One.
- Number of Piercings: It's complicated.
- Number: 6.
O
- One wish: To travel!
P
- Perfect Pizza: New York pizza with a little extra sauce, maybe some garlic or onions. And artichoke hearts are delicious. Spinach is good too sometimes.
- Pepsi/Coke: Diet coke.
Q
- Quote: "Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes."
-Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray".
R
- Reason to cry: The economy.
- Reality TV: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. That's real, right?
- Radio Station: Oldies. Because I'm a little odd like that.
- Roll your tongue in a circle: WTF does that mean? Like curl my tongue? Yeah I can do that.
- Ring size: I don't remember. I think it was something like 7, give or take a half size?
S
- Song: "Something" by the Beatles. It always changes though.
- Shoe size: 8.5
- Salad Dressing: Balsamic vinaigrette, sometimes French if I'm in that sort of mood.
- Sushi: Vegetarian sushi.
- Skipped school: Uh yeah, I sort of have a problem with attendance.
- Slept outside: In a tent.
- Smoked: Yes.
- Skinny dipped: I don't *think* so... but one can never be too sure of their drunken escapades.
- Sing well: Not really. Apparently I can "This Will Be Our Year" by the Zombies alright.
- In the shower: No, I'm not in the shower at the moment, that would fry my laptop.
- Swear: Yes.
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Both are delicious.
T
- Time for bed: Who the hell knows lately.
- Thunderstorms: My favorite.
U
- Unpredictable: My sleep patterns.
V
- Vacation spot: Road trip cross country this summer via public transportation! And then Hawaii! And Mexico!
W
- Weakness: Musicians.
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: Not sure. I guess Mike and I probably have the most in common as far as thought processes/behavior/ideas go.
- Who makes you laugh the most: Mike, Meghann, Rob, Brienne, Josh, and my darlin'.
- Worst feeling: Feeling helpless.
- Wanted to be a model: I used to do some freelance modeling, I got pretty into it. I did a commercial for some public TV station in Long Island... crap like that.
- Where do we go when we die: We rock the Casbah.
- Worst Weather: Cold, snowy, icy, windy, or super hot.
X
- X-Rays: Yeah, I've had plenty. I'm a wild woman! Bahahaha.
Y
-Year it is now: 2009
-Yellow: Submarine.
Z
- Zoo animal: Lions, and tigers, and bears, OH MY!
LAST PERSON WHO…
1. Slept in a bed beside you: My cats. Do they count? Abby snuggled with me last night, it was cute. As for human, my mom... I had the scariest nightmare of my life the other night and was shaking and didn't want to sleep alone. Yeah I'm fucking pathetic.
2. You went to the mall with: I seriously have no idea... malls are a bit useless in NYC.
3. You went to dinner with: My darlin', I believe.
4. You talked to on the phone: See above.
5. Made you laugh: See above.
6. Hugged you: See above. Oh no, maybe it was my great grandma or aunt... yeah it probably was.
7. Said they loved you: My darlin'.
8. You kissed: See above.
9. You spoke with: My mom?
10. You cried over: That's a depressing last question.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Nightmares
Last night I slept in my Mom's bed. I had the worst nightmare in recent memory. Explaining it doesn't get across exactly how freakin scary it was, but I will explain anyway.
So it started out where I was in NYC and had to buy a shop vac and I was having a hard time finding one. So this weird guy told me I should go to this store and get one or something, I dunno, he gave me directions. So then I find it, and it's just a random shop vac on a subway platform that is very crowded. I picked it up to get ready to carry it on the subway and then realized the subway was going to be too crowded for it. I fumbled it and people starred at me. Then I noticed none of the signs were in English... neither were conversations. Then the subway came but it was like totally different from NYC subways, and I was like ok where the hell am I? I ended up realizing I was in Poland. So then I called up someone, I think Lenora actually, and was like heyyy how the hell do I get back to NYC from here? And she was like nooo you should go to Russia, it is really cool and they have tons of shop vacs there, and bicycles. And I insisted no, I don't want to go to Russia, I want to go back to NYC. She said I could make it if I ran, but before it got dark because it was unsafe at night. I started running but the sun was setting fast. There was a black cat in the road that hissed at me and crossed my path. I was running but it got dark and I started crying and hearing growling and I was barefoot and ran over broken glass and got it in my feet. Then suddenly I was coming out of the subway, and it was a sunny NYC day, and I was trying to get to the place I lived with Nathan in Richmond Hill, but the area looked like Bushwick. There was a square/park area where the subway let off and there was an art exhibition and the artist made sculptures out of rat heads (I'm phobic of rats and mice). I screamed, kids were playing with the heads. I tried running but my feet still hurt from the glass. I made it to Nathan's apartment, and this weird dude was there and smoked me up, and then I started having sex with this weird dude, and then these old people came in and were like um, we live here now, who the hell are you? And I ran out. Then I was in my bedroom in Warren, CT and I felt really drugged up and there were FBI vans outside and I got really freaked out and started hearing weird noises. I swore I was awake, woulda bet money on it. So I picked up my phone to call my mom and tell her to come in my room and come get me because I wanted to sleep in her room but I was so disoriented that I kept dialing the wrong number, and every number ended up being this voice that sounded like Chris's but it was fucked up and said satanic shit like "you are awake, and now your nightmares are real" and heavy breathing and shit. I started screaming and crying and then I woke up with a jolt and ran my ass to my mom's room to sleep in there. For some reason it really scared me, it seemed really real and just... I don't know. I really want to ask a dream interpreter what it all means, because for some reason it felt like the most intense and profound dream I've had to date.
So it started out where I was in NYC and had to buy a shop vac and I was having a hard time finding one. So this weird guy told me I should go to this store and get one or something, I dunno, he gave me directions. So then I find it, and it's just a random shop vac on a subway platform that is very crowded. I picked it up to get ready to carry it on the subway and then realized the subway was going to be too crowded for it. I fumbled it and people starred at me. Then I noticed none of the signs were in English... neither were conversations. Then the subway came but it was like totally different from NYC subways, and I was like ok where the hell am I? I ended up realizing I was in Poland. So then I called up someone, I think Lenora actually, and was like heyyy how the hell do I get back to NYC from here? And she was like nooo you should go to Russia, it is really cool and they have tons of shop vacs there, and bicycles. And I insisted no, I don't want to go to Russia, I want to go back to NYC. She said I could make it if I ran, but before it got dark because it was unsafe at night. I started running but the sun was setting fast. There was a black cat in the road that hissed at me and crossed my path. I was running but it got dark and I started crying and hearing growling and I was barefoot and ran over broken glass and got it in my feet. Then suddenly I was coming out of the subway, and it was a sunny NYC day, and I was trying to get to the place I lived with Nathan in Richmond Hill, but the area looked like Bushwick. There was a square/park area where the subway let off and there was an art exhibition and the artist made sculptures out of rat heads (I'm phobic of rats and mice). I screamed, kids were playing with the heads. I tried running but my feet still hurt from the glass. I made it to Nathan's apartment, and this weird dude was there and smoked me up, and then I started having sex with this weird dude, and then these old people came in and were like um, we live here now, who the hell are you? And I ran out. Then I was in my bedroom in Warren, CT and I felt really drugged up and there were FBI vans outside and I got really freaked out and started hearing weird noises. I swore I was awake, woulda bet money on it. So I picked up my phone to call my mom and tell her to come in my room and come get me because I wanted to sleep in her room but I was so disoriented that I kept dialing the wrong number, and every number ended up being this voice that sounded like Chris's but it was fucked up and said satanic shit like "you are awake, and now your nightmares are real" and heavy breathing and shit. I started screaming and crying and then I woke up with a jolt and ran my ass to my mom's room to sleep in there. For some reason it really scared me, it seemed really real and just... I don't know. I really want to ask a dream interpreter what it all means, because for some reason it felt like the most intense and profound dream I've had to date.
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