Edit

I can morally handle sex without a date, I just can't morally handle sex with somebody with a girlfriend.

Cheating is not a good idea.
Take it from someone who knows, and cheated on her boyfriend (at the time) on their 1 year anniversary with his friend/coworker.

I just can't be involved in something like that.

And I am naive and realizing that you can't talk to any guy about sex things, or at least I can't, and have it not be eventually called leading them on.

Alright

I'm over all this shit, completely, totally, and officially.
I'm ready to date again, muthafuckers, but I'm not moving in with anyone I'm dating, not at all, no way, no how. I want to stay in one place for a whole year, because the last time that happened was in like middle school or something, I think.

I can't sleep. I've been up writing poetry, which really isn't poetry, it's like just therapeutic blobs of stuff that has completely helped.

I just want to date a hot hipster boy (or girl, even), so somebody fix me up if you know somebody, I'm terribly bored here.

P.S. Screw rebounding. It's just boring not to date, because if you don't date people, you don't have sex unless it's a real shady situation or something that makes me feel like a bad person (and this is from somebody that's never known a religion). It'd be nice to at least eat a dinner together before jumping in bed, even if we split the cost of the dinner. I just can't morally handle sex without dinner, a movie, or at least some drinks and conversation.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Top 5 Things I am Thankful for This Thanksgiving:

1. Family and friends.
2. Employment.
3. Abby coming back!
4. Food.
5. Courage.

I am going to completely re-invent myself. I don't need to move to do so... NYC is a big place, and Hunter is giant, and I have no friends there, so there's no reason why I can't do it.

I'm not going to change too drastically... I just want to be more social, positive, independent, and less lazy. Those are all things that can change, because I have changed them before.

I'm feeling a lot better about this single thing... I mean, it's not as if I'm going to be alone forever. In fact, chances are I will spend the majority of my life in a relationship, so I might as well enjoy this. It has its perks. Plus I sort of like being able to do whatever I want. I mean, I wouldn't really be able to re-invent myself if I was with someone right now. So it's all good.

And on a side note, damn morals. Sometimes I wish I was more heartless, and though I have done heartless things before, perhaps, it doesn't mean that I am heartless.

Oh man

I've developed a strange fascination of the lead singer of of Montreal. Yeah, there's a lot of "ofs" but oh well.

I really want to change my name... I don't want to be "Ashley" anymore. I feel like I'm typecast and I just want something fresh.

Top 5 New Names, in no particular order:
1. Sadie
2. Jane
3. Anita
4. Maggie
5. Edie

Vote. Tell me which one you like best for my new alias.

Inspired by High Fidelity

“It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party.”

I felt sad today randomly and by accident, so I popped on High Fidelity and it made me feel so much better. Except for the end, I don't know, I really hate the ending. I hate when they get back together, and I knew it was coming but I still hoped something happened and they didn't get back together.

I've been researching a lot on how to get over breakups and such, not because I feel heart-broken or even sad, but because I want to be sure that I am over things because I realized that that is why things didn't work out, really. He was hurt that I wasn't the person I said I was, but I am that person, but I wasn't able to be that person because I was at my darkest hour. They say one month for every year of a relationship, and that was a 3.75 year relationship, which means I'm just wrapping up getting over it around now. So of course I wasn't ready. But I couldn't have known any better, I couldn't have known to say yeah I want to take it slow when I was asked countless times.

So anyway, all that research says to make lists, and High Fidelity made me want to make lists, so here it goes....
I made a few lists, but they all seemed too personal to put here. Well, not too personal, but I just feel like it would cause more trouble than I need right now. So nevermind, maybe later.

The Scream

I'm here, in CT, and I feel oddly full of life and hopeful. I feel oddly happy, almost the happiest ever. Mike Hill is probably going to move with me to NYC in January, which makes me so happy! For those who don't know Mike and wince at hearing of me moving in with another guy, I should mention that Mike is gay, so no worries there.

I want to be who I am. I want to feel how I feel. I am realizing that perhaps the only thing I have to change right now are my priorities. I should put me first, then school, work, friends/family, art/writing, hygiene, then relationship/love/like/lust stuff.

I think maybe how I am-- or how I will be, after I get over a lot of crap-- may be exactly perfect for somebody out there, at some point. I need to socialize more, but I think I have accomplished so much for a 20 year old who faced a lot of difficulties. I think I take pretty good care of myself, but I think I grew up too fast. I dabble in reckless stuff from time to time because I want to be my age. Granted, I should perhaps be a little more careful, and of course not let that shit affect work/school. But I need to let my hair down, get too drunk, make a few poor choices... I'm not a fucked up person, not really, I am just trying to live it up a little because I know, I do know, how to really get my shit together, but I know once I do I'm gonna rock that conservative shit, and I don't want that yet. I'm doing pretty fucking good, I support myself, have a 3.9 GPA, and have a job as a web editor, which pays on average $80,000 a year with only 3-5 years experience, which I will have when I graduate. That's pretty damn cool. I have big dreams of owning my own theatre and bringing cool to suburbs and traveling the world and I know I'm really going to do it. I tend to get everything I want, because what I want is stuff that only takes some work and a little bit of luck. And a lot of focus and drive.

I'm going to get really into the art scene in NYC when I come back to NYC. Expect to see me at any art stuff/music stuff/theatre/writing stuff that lets me in with my 20-year-old ID.

I don't even want a boyfriend right now, and that's probably why things went wrong in the first place. I want to date, at some point, but after I get over this stuff. And I'd like to explore things with girls and see where that goes.

I just want to live! I have a Penny Lane-like quality (Almost Famous), and it's been dying to come out for a long time. I am sort of sick of serious things, I'm 20, and I don't want to get married for a long time.

I am so, so happy right now.

Weirdness

The only think weirder than weirdness is lack of weirdness when there should be more.

That can apply to pretty much any of the 100 different intense things that are happening right now. And it's funny, because I can imagine people reading this and thinking oh, I know what she's talking about and thinking about 1-5 different situations, but really there are so many different things going on with me right now, it's crazy. No one person, besides myself, knows all of them.

I enjoy being single, I do. I'm really feeling like I'm actually getting in the process of getting my shit together.

Staying here with Nathan has been way not awkward. Well, it's a little awkward, but it's not bad. I don't know what happened, but I am taking all this crazy, crazy well. I cried for like a day or something, then I realized that both of us were pretty miserable together, and I remembered how much fun we had when we were friends, and I know that this is actually great because after we both have time to really move on and adjust, we are going to get to be friends again. I'd rather have him as a fun friend in the city than as a boyfriend right now, and though I will miss his company, this is really just the right thing.

Jesus Christ

My life is really, really weird right now... I don't mind it, I'm having a pretty good time, but my god, shit is strange. I can't really write about it here, though I want to, just for the sake of advice and getting things out, but a blog is public enough, and some of the things on my mind shouldn't really be told to anyone besides a best friend over cocktails, a la Sex in the City.
But there is one thing I must record, just so when I screw it up, I can go, aha, I meant to remember that: I got to try taking things slow.
There are problems with that, however. I don't want to be in a relationship right now, so taking things slow when I only want casual things doesn't really make sense. I got to find a way to make things not go so fast that it ruins everything, self-destructs, but not so slowly that it is mind-games and develops into actual... feelings and stuff. I don't know, this stuff really doesn't make sense to me. But hey, it's worth a try.

An interesting note: I found out today that somebody I had a big crush on in high school who I was too shy to ask out myself and had others do it... turns out they never actually asked him, though they came back saying that he said no.
Man, high school...

I follow Gossip Girl religiously, and lately I've been thinking that my life is like the poor college version of Gossip Girl, and as one of my favorite people told me very recently, I am 70% Serena and 30% Blair.

This blog is almost pointless, I feel, because I have no idea who reads it, and I'm in enough awkward situations where writing juicy stuff would be a very bad idea. It's a shame, though, I like recording my thoughts and reflecting, but I could always set entries to private, I suppose, but I won't... I'm just going to relax a bit and see what happens.

Wowsers

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm into girls. I think I'm bi though.

Well that's an interesting revelation.

I have been feeling lately that I'd much rather be with a girl. But I'm still scared I won't like the sex.

I definitely want to explore this new found side of me!

I'm totally scared of being single because the longest I've gone without sex since having sex has been like 3 weeks. Since I was 16, I've never gone longer than 3 weeks. That's really... wow.

I'm cool with being single and figuring stuff out about myself, but I'm already getting crazed from like 2 days without it. I like sex way too much.

So...

So I'm single, for the first time really since age 16. I didn't eat at all for like two days, but today I went out and bought my share of comfort food, though I could only manage to eat half a small box of Oreos. Shame on me.
I have to start packing after this. I'm moving out of here and to my Mom's place in Warren, CT for a month or so to save up money to buy a bitchin' place in Bushwick/Williamsburg/Greenpoint or Astoria/Long Island City. Nathan is helping me move my stuff Thursday, and then I'm coming back with him, living in awkwardness (but better than living alone in my mom's big house), having a potluck party Saturday with him, then leaving Sunday morning when my mom flies back from Florida.
So. Much. Happened.
Why is my mom flying back from Florida? Well, my grandmother died. This happened the day before la breakup. Happy times.
I did, however, call up Christopher the day after the breakup. I'm meeting him tomorrow for drinks in Manhattan. He seemed really happy to hear from me, and I apologized for everything. Don't worry, friends, I am not going to do anything crazy... I want to be single for awhile and get my shit together. But talking to Chris... it was wonderful. I forgot how he has the ability to understand everything about me and make me laugh even during the darkest times. In a way, it is good that we broke up, because he sounds so much better. I really think he's grown into a wonderful person, and I hope to have a friendship with him.
I also hope to have a friendship with Nathan. That may take awhile. Shit is a little awkward here, but maybe only because I'm not used to breakups without a lot of drama, so the silence gets to me. I'm quite an awkward person, so the silence makes me so nervous that I randomly say weird stupid shit and laugh a lot, and get silence as a response... it's awful.
I am beginning to realize that Nathan and I were not very good together in a lot of ways. It's important to love somebody for who they are, and I was not loved for that. I tried to change, but it didn't really work. While there are certain things about me lately that I must change, and will change (such as laziness), there were too many things he didn't understand about me.
I'm going to be single for awhile and get rid of my baggage.
But here's an outline of who I'd like to be with someday:
-Somebody who loves me for who I am, and doesn't get overly bothered by my flaws.
-Somebody who wants to take me out on the town and show me cool stuff.
-Somebody whose "us" time can consist of a romantic at-home movie or a crazy party.
-Somebody who encouraged me to work and pursue my dreams (Nathan was very good at this, but it didn't work for some reason).
-Somebody who doesn't make me feel like a failure.
-Somebody who is confident being on their own and doesn't need me.
-Somebody who is not angry or violent.
-Somebody shy and quiet and artistic and introspective. Somebody that I can talk to like the last minute of Scrubs and have realizations and it would be interesting, not stressful.
-Somebody who understands me.
-Somebody who wants exactly as much space as I want.
-Somebody really cuddly. Hehe.
-Somebody that can challenge me artistically and be interested in both the academic snooty stuff and the crazy vagina sculptures.

Another thing...
I am wondering about my sexual orientation. I don't have any experiences with the same sex, so I can't say I'm bi or lesbian. I do like guys, but I am far more attracted to girls. For instance, I can't really get off by myself without thinking about girls. And I think having a relationship with a girl and cuddling and stuff sounds so fun. I'm just not sure if I'd like the sex part. I don't know if I'd feel fulfilled. It's worth a try, though.

break-up

heart. hurts.

it's over but i'll be okay.

School/Career Plans

-I think I've decided to major in Theatre and minor in English at Hunter. I don't know why exactly I've suddenly decided to go with theatre, but I know that this is something that I actually should do. So I'm going to do it, and I'm not going to look back this time and change my mind. Though I will be in school for awhile longer, I will have the ability to take out loans as needed and pay them back because by the time I graduate, I will have at least 3 years experience as a web editor, which pays very, very well.
-I will continue to do web editing stuff and gain enough work experience where it will always be a very valid backup. I will probably end up doing web editing stuff as my career, but enriching my life by seeing (and understanding) plays and such, and I would have the money to be able to even dabble in a few unpaid theatre things just for fun.

Thus... I will be able to mix art and money, just as two separate things.

Reflection

Random thoughts of reflection:

-I have wonderful friends, lots of them, and I shouldn't ever say that I don't have friends. It's mostly my fault why I don't have much of a social life. Of course, a lot of my friends do live outside the city, therefore hanging out it difficult if not near impossible, but there are plenty of people here in the city that like me and I should make more of an effort to hang out with them.

-I have far more male friends than female friends. I probably have more females on my Facebook friends list, but that's because I used to only really have female friends. But as far as people who I hang out with and talk to frequently, they are usually males. I can only think of 3 females that I'd define as close. One I hardly talk to and lives far away and sometimes pisses me off/sometimes I piss her off, the other I talk to via Facebook quite often and tell nearly everything to but she lives far away as well, and the other I tend to not hang out with much mainly because I am flaky. I talk to/hang out with way more dudes. I wonder if that is just chance. I wouldn't say I necessarily get along with guys better than girls. In fact, I usually have the most fun when there are at least some girls around. Maybe it's just easier for me to make friends with guys. I feel less intimidated.

-I have no idea what to do about college.

-I feel like I need to spend a few hours pouring my guts out to someone, but no one deserves to listen to that.

-I don't know what to make of something, but I know I shouldn't make anything out of it, mentally I know it's a bad idea to even think about or care about for sooo many reasons, but emotionally I can't seem to shake it. This, especially, I need a female ear to lend itself for just a few minutes of ranting and cigarette smoking.

-I feel great confusion about my past, mainly my far past, as in upbringing and childhood/teenage-dom and stuff.

-I am realizing that a lot of my thoughts and feelings and reactions to stuff is completely wrong and unwarranted. It is confusing. And the whole time I feel a bit guilty because I am sure some people had to feel the brunt of years worth of that crap, and I know I shouldn't go there, I shouldn't feel guilty because everybody makes mistakes and at the very least mistakes were quite mutual.

-I can't listen to the Beach Boys anymore. And I know who to blame. Something about the Beach Boys screams high school sweethearts and naive shit. I think I am too jaded for that anymore. It's like wearing white when getting married-- it symbolizes something that is just so foreign now. I find myself being able to listen to things I thought I wouldn't be able to listen to, and things I thought would be fine are often hellish. I am over it, really, but there are just things that I can't listen to anymore. I think that's normal, though I wouldn't know really.

blah

Thoughts

I want to record these thoughts quickly:

-Though I am generally a rather ambivalent person, especially when it comes to politics, I must admit that as I observe people, riot officers, current events... I feel like this is the closest to historic '60s revolution that I will ever see in my lifetime. I don't mean that in a purely pop culture way... the best class I ever, ever took was an 8am class at WestConn that focused solely on the historic and cultural events, effects, influences, what have you of the 1950s and 60s. And I actually went to that class, so I feel like I know a thing or two, though I am by no means an expert or anything. I must say that among all the change (replace change with revolution and tell me it's not all too familiar) I feel like the chain smoking beatnik listening to Ray Charles and writing and observing and dreaming of road trips and old gas prices... I live very close to where Jack Kerouac lived when he wrote On the Road. I usually don't take the side of police, but from what I've seen of the incidents of hipsters vs. riot officers in Williamsburg, that shit is retarded. If I was there, fuck, when riot officers come and say get out of the street, don't start hollering about rights man. Get the fuck out of there. It's only common sense, and the rights argument is retarded anyway. Yeah, peaceful assembly is a right, but you also can't block traffic and roads and sidewalks and drink in the street. There's this video on Gothamist, I think, of people having their camera phones smashed and it being so unfair and abuse and whatnot. That's retarded. Somebody commented that they were trying to get out of the way, slowly, so it wasn't deserved... um... you can clearly see from the buildings on the background that they weren't moving back, and there were like a row of people either filming or arguing with the officers, facing them... I'm not sure, but I think if you want to get out of the way and move and there's a lot of people, you should probably at least face the direction that you should be moving. If I was there, I can bet you I would have been at least two neighborhoods down at the first sight of riot officers. Don't mess with that shit, it's stupid, and at least know the law before you start hollering like a drunken hippie, and if you do want to do that, then rock it. Don't whine about being arrested, that's not what you're supposed to do! Throw yer cuffed hands in the air and scream fuck them pigs or something, not whine about your trust fund being cut off. If this is the '60s, I really hope acid truly invades Brooklyn and the village, and hipsters squat in warehouses (not paying a ridiculous price for a converted warehouse) and fight cops with the intention and knowledge of getting arrested and fuck the system and shit. Do it all the way, or people aren't going to care. Nobody cares about people who don't work real jobs, live off their parents, and mouth off to cops. It doesn't send the same message. Revolution is an all or nothing term.
-Another thought... it is a weird feeling to realize that somebody cared about you as much, maybe even more, than you cared about them... perhaps my realism approach is just a method of protecting my feelings. Perhaps it was just a bad time, a time when I thought that I couldn't be cared about like that. Maybe it was just 17, and I knew that it couldn't work, or I was so used to the love them and leave them approach that was talked about on Lucky Strike breaks that I didn't think I was any different. I'm almost his age now, and I am beginning to realize what words actually meant, about exactly everything I misunderstood. I don't quite feel like it was a missed opportunity, as I know it really wouldn't have worked at that time anyway, and that's probably why the words were vague enough for me to misunderstand. It's just weird, really weird, because I can't think of a person in years that I thought was the ideal, the cat's pjs, and thought so, so unreachable, that I haven't found out one way or another that they were into me in some sense. And the scary realization that the way they were into me contained actual feelings... and means that the mutual feelings I thought at times were there and the mutual feelings others insisted they could tell, they could sense from a mile away, well, I guess I wasn't crazy. I dismissed it as being 16, being 17, being young and inexperienced and thought that everybody only wanted sex, that I was too young, too... something, for real deep feelings to be mutual. Huh.

Can't think of a title

New goal: Lose 10-20 pounds and not be too unhealthy about it. Lose by Christmas.

I'm oddly back to my high school weight, and I'm not happy about it. Since I left high school, I've been so pleased to have a rather thin figure, and now I feel hefty again and unattractive. The good news is that I'm pretty good at losing weight, so I should be back to pre-breakup weight rather soon.

I am hoping people finally shut up about the election soon. I did not vote. I'm sick of people acting like people who don't vote are the scum of the Earth and bad Americans. Why didn't I vote? I don't think I'm informed enough to make a good decision. I can't find the quote now, but some philosopher dude once said that the most intelligent people are those who see where they are lacking, and those hardcore about things are often the biggest fools. I'm not trying to say I'm better than people, and I'm not trying to say that it isn't my fault to some extent that I'm not informed enough. The fact is, I don't buy what the media says, and I'm not one to jump on a bandwagon. For me to feel informed enough, I would have to do weeks of my own research, and frankly I've been too busy to do that. Therefore, by my own standards, I do not qualify to vote. I also think that all politicians are liars. People are freaking worshiping Obama, especially people my age. Are you fucking kidding me? It's one thing to really like someone, but no one worshiping Obama has given me a sound explanation. They actually think he's going to be a revolutionary. Not a realistic revolutionary, even, but some Jesus figure who will turn all the water in the world to wine. Really? Seriously? Where the fuck have you been? Presidents don't even have enough power to do all the shit he's promised. There's still Congress, and though there is a Democrat majority, there are still moderate Democrats. He's not your fucking savior. It sickens me to see people crying at the polls like oh my gosh, now I won't have to pay my bills and gas... get a fucking job! Now, I am in no means a Republican... except I agree with them about most immigration issues (do white urban high school and college students even have a chance to find a job? Seems every job that doesn't require a degree/loads of experience is taken by people who don't even speak English just because they will work for a lower wage and then not pay taxes. Nice). I'm not even going to get started on the stupidity of McCain, let alone Palin (haha really not even going to go there), mostly because most of the people I know already know all those things. The Internet, the media, etc all has plenty of coverage on Republican stupidity. But no one dares to even whisper "hey, guess what? Obama is a freaking mortal, you know." They'd probably get shot in NYC, and be a social outcast as a 20 year old up here. And don't even get me started on people who won't shut up about the race issue, whether for or against. If you don't want people to look at you and see black, Hispanic, Asian, woman... then shut the fuck up about it. Drawing attention to Obama's race, again, whether for or against, is making people view him differently. It shouldn't make a difference if he was a transgender cat, if you truly believe in equality. Of course, most asscats aren't ready to see their own stupidity and see that they don't actually believe in equality. If you do, you wouldn't vote for Obama because he is black or McCain because he is white or Palin or Hilary because they are women. It wouldn't matter. Just sayin'.
I really hope everybody wakes up and realizes that things won't change into a magical fairy fairyland. Obama will make mistakes... what President hasn't? Or what human, for that matter, hasn't? Things will be rough, especially economically, for a very long time. And chances are, sometimes Obama's policies will benefit you personally, and sometimes they won't. It is best to look at the bigger picture, and be realistic about it. All big changes do not happen in one term. Often it takes decades, even centuries, for change to really happen. I do think that Obama will help things, I do. He will, hopefully, get the ball rolling. I also think people will end up disliking him and being very disenchanted, perhaps even feel lied to, because their expectations on a whole are unrealistic. A politician is a politician. Kennedy, Lincoln, FDR... they all did things that weren't so revolutionary, things that we who want revolution would not agree with so much. Look at the facts, look at reality, and be prepared to wait for a long, long time.

Something

So the past few days have been hectic. I'm not going to go into it though. The point is that I can breathe again.
"Something" by the Beatles is beautiful and I can't wait for snow and the holidays even though all of Manhattan turns more and more into Times Square the closer it gets to Christmas. It's still gorgeous, and if you're like me and not too much of a political activist, I suggest looking past the corporate-ness of it all for a second. I recommend going to the highest floor of Filene's Basement in Union Square and looking out the window during a snowfall. Something about the holidays in Manhattan reminds me of old New York, not old New York as in crack heads and junkies, but really old New York. And everybody looks so cute and equally vulnerable in their big coats and red running noses, slipping in the snow. And there tends to be a sort of understanding in the air, even though I'm sure there are plenty of evil people fighting in stores over the last Wii or whatever, from up there looking down it can be imagined that there is understanding and peace and happiness just for a second.
I get too sentimental about the holidays.
Anyways, I am back to my old good self, productive, though now I suppose this is procrastination, though it's not really, I view this as productive as well. It's quite necessary, for me.
Back to "real" work though I must go!

Officially 20 and a Half

Yay half birthdays!

On a totally unrelated note, I am a total idiot. I really do somehow manage to screw everything up, one way or another. Maybe I'm like a robot or something with a chip in my mind that only programs one thing: self-destruct and take down anyone else with you. I say chip because I really can't imagine that I am actually that retarded, but I know I am, alas there is no chip, just my own stupid, stupid little girl mindset. Sometimes I do wonder if I truly am hopeless, but I know I'm not, not really. I guess I just wonder how much harder do I have to try so things don't go to shit, and do I have it in me to exert more effort. I don't really think it's an issue of me not doing enough, at least that's not the root of any issue of me not doing enough. The root, the reason behind all of this, is substances, I believe. So if I sober up (as if one has a choice when their life crumbles at their own hand), if I stop self-destructing, will things get better? I really doubt they could get much worse.
I feel like I know how everyone sees me. A drunken doll thrown around one to many times. High on internal drama that doesn't have a name and is such a damn mess no one wants to touch it anyway. There is a problem, a major fault with usually putting others before oneself, and that is the fact that one doesn't get a good enough chance to develop properly (I say this as if there was really any hope for me to grow up right). It makes me some sort of half human, with feelings and the ability to write and talk (sort of) and destruct and be evil and compassionate, but without the reasoning, the common sense, needed to take it all in stride.
You probably think I'm high, don't make sense, or am being melodramatic. The first is definitely not true, the second probably true, and the last, why the last is the damn truest thing so far.
I'm not depressed, just frustrated at what an arse I can be. I really hope that you, my dear(s), can distinguish the two.

P.S. I like the word arse.