Reflection

Random thoughts of reflection:

-I have wonderful friends, lots of them, and I shouldn't ever say that I don't have friends. It's mostly my fault why I don't have much of a social life. Of course, a lot of my friends do live outside the city, therefore hanging out it difficult if not near impossible, but there are plenty of people here in the city that like me and I should make more of an effort to hang out with them.

-I have far more male friends than female friends. I probably have more females on my Facebook friends list, but that's because I used to only really have female friends. But as far as people who I hang out with and talk to frequently, they are usually males. I can only think of 3 females that I'd define as close. One I hardly talk to and lives far away and sometimes pisses me off/sometimes I piss her off, the other I talk to via Facebook quite often and tell nearly everything to but she lives far away as well, and the other I tend to not hang out with much mainly because I am flaky. I talk to/hang out with way more dudes. I wonder if that is just chance. I wouldn't say I necessarily get along with guys better than girls. In fact, I usually have the most fun when there are at least some girls around. Maybe it's just easier for me to make friends with guys. I feel less intimidated.

-I have no idea what to do about college.

-I feel like I need to spend a few hours pouring my guts out to someone, but no one deserves to listen to that.

-I don't know what to make of something, but I know I shouldn't make anything out of it, mentally I know it's a bad idea to even think about or care about for sooo many reasons, but emotionally I can't seem to shake it. This, especially, I need a female ear to lend itself for just a few minutes of ranting and cigarette smoking.

-I feel great confusion about my past, mainly my far past, as in upbringing and childhood/teenage-dom and stuff.

-I am realizing that a lot of my thoughts and feelings and reactions to stuff is completely wrong and unwarranted. It is confusing. And the whole time I feel a bit guilty because I am sure some people had to feel the brunt of years worth of that crap, and I know I shouldn't go there, I shouldn't feel guilty because everybody makes mistakes and at the very least mistakes were quite mutual.

-I can't listen to the Beach Boys anymore. And I know who to blame. Something about the Beach Boys screams high school sweethearts and naive shit. I think I am too jaded for that anymore. It's like wearing white when getting married-- it symbolizes something that is just so foreign now. I find myself being able to listen to things I thought I wouldn't be able to listen to, and things I thought would be fine are often hellish. I am over it, really, but there are just things that I can't listen to anymore. I think that's normal, though I wouldn't know really.