The Scream

I'm here, in CT, and I feel oddly full of life and hopeful. I feel oddly happy, almost the happiest ever. Mike Hill is probably going to move with me to NYC in January, which makes me so happy! For those who don't know Mike and wince at hearing of me moving in with another guy, I should mention that Mike is gay, so no worries there.

I want to be who I am. I want to feel how I feel. I am realizing that perhaps the only thing I have to change right now are my priorities. I should put me first, then school, work, friends/family, art/writing, hygiene, then relationship/love/like/lust stuff.

I think maybe how I am-- or how I will be, after I get over a lot of crap-- may be exactly perfect for somebody out there, at some point. I need to socialize more, but I think I have accomplished so much for a 20 year old who faced a lot of difficulties. I think I take pretty good care of myself, but I think I grew up too fast. I dabble in reckless stuff from time to time because I want to be my age. Granted, I should perhaps be a little more careful, and of course not let that shit affect work/school. But I need to let my hair down, get too drunk, make a few poor choices... I'm not a fucked up person, not really, I am just trying to live it up a little because I know, I do know, how to really get my shit together, but I know once I do I'm gonna rock that conservative shit, and I don't want that yet. I'm doing pretty fucking good, I support myself, have a 3.9 GPA, and have a job as a web editor, which pays on average $80,000 a year with only 3-5 years experience, which I will have when I graduate. That's pretty damn cool. I have big dreams of owning my own theatre and bringing cool to suburbs and traveling the world and I know I'm really going to do it. I tend to get everything I want, because what I want is stuff that only takes some work and a little bit of luck. And a lot of focus and drive.

I'm going to get really into the art scene in NYC when I come back to NYC. Expect to see me at any art stuff/music stuff/theatre/writing stuff that lets me in with my 20-year-old ID.

I don't even want a boyfriend right now, and that's probably why things went wrong in the first place. I want to date, at some point, but after I get over this stuff. And I'd like to explore things with girls and see where that goes.

I just want to live! I have a Penny Lane-like quality (Almost Famous), and it's been dying to come out for a long time. I am sort of sick of serious things, I'm 20, and I don't want to get married for a long time.

I am so, so happy right now.