Officially 20 and a Half

Yay half birthdays!

On a totally unrelated note, I am a total idiot. I really do somehow manage to screw everything up, one way or another. Maybe I'm like a robot or something with a chip in my mind that only programs one thing: self-destruct and take down anyone else with you. I say chip because I really can't imagine that I am actually that retarded, but I know I am, alas there is no chip, just my own stupid, stupid little girl mindset. Sometimes I do wonder if I truly am hopeless, but I know I'm not, not really. I guess I just wonder how much harder do I have to try so things don't go to shit, and do I have it in me to exert more effort. I don't really think it's an issue of me not doing enough, at least that's not the root of any issue of me not doing enough. The root, the reason behind all of this, is substances, I believe. So if I sober up (as if one has a choice when their life crumbles at their own hand), if I stop self-destructing, will things get better? I really doubt they could get much worse.
I feel like I know how everyone sees me. A drunken doll thrown around one to many times. High on internal drama that doesn't have a name and is such a damn mess no one wants to touch it anyway. There is a problem, a major fault with usually putting others before oneself, and that is the fact that one doesn't get a good enough chance to develop properly (I say this as if there was really any hope for me to grow up right). It makes me some sort of half human, with feelings and the ability to write and talk (sort of) and destruct and be evil and compassionate, but without the reasoning, the common sense, needed to take it all in stride.
You probably think I'm high, don't make sense, or am being melodramatic. The first is definitely not true, the second probably true, and the last, why the last is the damn truest thing so far.
I'm not depressed, just frustrated at what an arse I can be. I really hope that you, my dear(s), can distinguish the two.

P.S. I like the word arse.