For my own personal record, I believe I am, right now, in the healthiest mindset I've ever been in my life.
Things bother me so much less than they did even a few days ago.
I've done a lot of stupid things and had a lot of trouble letting go and putting myself first. And now I feel like I don't care if people like me or not. I'm not changing for anyone anymore. I'm not trying to please anyone.
And I can choose who is in my life and who isn't.
And I can go anywhere, wherever I want to go and do things I have always wanted to do.
I'm rediscovery where I left off, so long ago. I lost myself, almost. I remember how much I wanted to go to the west coast, before I got into a relationship. And I think I may go, really, if only to do something that I've always wanted to do.
I'm listening to the music I last liked before getting into a mess. The Strokes, The Shins, The Libertines... I am a different person now, but the songs help reconnect me to so many lost parts and lost dreams and desires and thoughts. I'm truly getting better.
Someone told me that you have to hit rock bottom before getting better, and I think I thought I hit it before, but I didn't until a few days ago, in NYC, when I realized how out of whack and out of touch with what I want I was... and how much I was willing to screw over myself for ridiculous things. I don't want to get into it though.
I spent most of the train ride home listening to my iPod and having wonderful realizations that I have control over my life. That people can't really hurt me unless I let them. That I was trying to keep close the people I shouldn't, and pushing away people who have truly cared about me. I can't quite explain it. The point is, fuck, I have really never felt this good, this fucking in touch with everything.
I think I'm going to move out west.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Leaving on a Jet Plane?
I'm pretty out of it and I don't have my glasses/contacts helping me see what I'm typing, so forgive me if I don't make much sense.
I think I'm sick of NYC. I sort of want to move elsewhere.
I can't really figure out what is best for me right now. Part of me is sick of the crowds and needing to live so far away from Manhattan and still pay so much.
For the price I'd pay to live in a semi-rough neighborhood that is ugly, I could live on the outskirts of San Francisco and have beaches and spring-like weather all year round.
I don't know, on the other hand I am sort of running. But I feel like running, really. I've reached a point of being sick of the usual and needing to know myself in a city where that's impossible (or at least very hard right now). I get so overwhelmed by the crowds and ugliness that I tend to never go out. I mean, yeah, I could tackle that whole issue, but seriously I am sick of self-improving and just want to be in a pretty place, meet new people, and figure out what I want and be away from the old rut and get a new rut or something, I don't know.
Then again, part of me feels like there is no city like NYC and I am just beginning to finally figure it out and meet wonderful new people, and that I'm just being really silly and running away because my feelings were hurt a little and rather than admit that (really admit it) and deal with it, I'd rather start a completely new life.
Fuck I don't know what I want, though I never really do, and when I do know what I want, it is most usually the wrong thing.
Oh yeah, and I have to drop out of school because my parents can't really pay for it and I don't think loans are a good idea for me, and I'd rather go back to school when I can pay for it myself and not have to keep starting and stopping.
I think I'm sick of NYC. I sort of want to move elsewhere.
I can't really figure out what is best for me right now. Part of me is sick of the crowds and needing to live so far away from Manhattan and still pay so much.
For the price I'd pay to live in a semi-rough neighborhood that is ugly, I could live on the outskirts of San Francisco and have beaches and spring-like weather all year round.
I don't know, on the other hand I am sort of running. But I feel like running, really. I've reached a point of being sick of the usual and needing to know myself in a city where that's impossible (or at least very hard right now). I get so overwhelmed by the crowds and ugliness that I tend to never go out. I mean, yeah, I could tackle that whole issue, but seriously I am sick of self-improving and just want to be in a pretty place, meet new people, and figure out what I want and be away from the old rut and get a new rut or something, I don't know.
Then again, part of me feels like there is no city like NYC and I am just beginning to finally figure it out and meet wonderful new people, and that I'm just being really silly and running away because my feelings were hurt a little and rather than admit that (really admit it) and deal with it, I'd rather start a completely new life.
Fuck I don't know what I want, though I never really do, and when I do know what I want, it is most usually the wrong thing.
Oh yeah, and I have to drop out of school because my parents can't really pay for it and I don't think loans are a good idea for me, and I'd rather go back to school when I can pay for it myself and not have to keep starting and stopping.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Lived in Bars
I feel amazing today. It's the first time in awhile. Like, a long while. I don't trust it enough to think it's nothing but fleeting, but hell I'm gonna enjoy it. I'm listening to Lived in Bars by Cat Power on repeat and feeling like I can do anything.
I banned myself from Facebook for a week, as it was becoming a distraction from the right things.
I finally finished watching every episode of Friends, which sounds like lame, but it was amazing because for a long time I've been completely intolerant to scenes of love, whether in real life or on TV. But by watching every episode, I became attached to the characters enough to actually cry happy tears when they got married, had babies, whatever. Haha now that sounds really lame. But whatever works and makes me happy, I'll take.
Molly is coming to CT on Friday, and I'm seriously so excited about it. Like, I'm far more excited about seeing her than I am about Christmas. I haven't seen her in years, and it's a dang tragedy.
I've been practicing singing. I really want to do an open mic with some Cat Power covers. It sucks because I'm not trained enough to have a powerful voice, but my range and general tone are so fitting to be singing some jazzy powerful songs, but without lack of power I sound like a drugged Marilyn Monroe.
I've been meeting some amazing guys, like one who played guitar with Elliott Smith, and I give myself credit for not jumping into anything. I'm really taking a chill pill of sorts and realizing that in my last relationship I attempted to solve a lot of my flawed feelings by simply ignoring them, which definitely doesn't work. Most of those flawed feelings come from issues with myself, and with not having a solid enough foundation. That's why it generally takes me longer to get over stuff. I've been investing too much of my identity in relationships.
I am so, so excited about theater classes. I'm so excited. Like I know I really want to do this. I'm hearing that Hunter has a terrible theater department, which of course makes me very nervous. Everyone is recommending Brooklyn College, but I really don't want to go there. Flatbush simply holds too many memories... which is a bit weird, because I don't feel like any other neighborhood holds too many memories to be able to hang around there on a daily basis. I mean, maybe being on the actual blocks I've lived before are a bit too much to handle on a daily basis, but the neighborhoods, no. Maybe it's because the other neighborhoods have enough things I love about them to cancel out any overly emotional sentimental drawbacks. Or maybe it's because Flatbush was the very first neighborhood in NYC I really experienced. I know not, and now I'm rambling.
Anyway, I feel good. Really fucking good. And that's all.
I banned myself from Facebook for a week, as it was becoming a distraction from the right things.
I finally finished watching every episode of Friends, which sounds like lame, but it was amazing because for a long time I've been completely intolerant to scenes of love, whether in real life or on TV. But by watching every episode, I became attached to the characters enough to actually cry happy tears when they got married, had babies, whatever. Haha now that sounds really lame. But whatever works and makes me happy, I'll take.
Molly is coming to CT on Friday, and I'm seriously so excited about it. Like, I'm far more excited about seeing her than I am about Christmas. I haven't seen her in years, and it's a dang tragedy.
I've been practicing singing. I really want to do an open mic with some Cat Power covers. It sucks because I'm not trained enough to have a powerful voice, but my range and general tone are so fitting to be singing some jazzy powerful songs, but without lack of power I sound like a drugged Marilyn Monroe.
I've been meeting some amazing guys, like one who played guitar with Elliott Smith, and I give myself credit for not jumping into anything. I'm really taking a chill pill of sorts and realizing that in my last relationship I attempted to solve a lot of my flawed feelings by simply ignoring them, which definitely doesn't work. Most of those flawed feelings come from issues with myself, and with not having a solid enough foundation. That's why it generally takes me longer to get over stuff. I've been investing too much of my identity in relationships.
I am so, so excited about theater classes. I'm so excited. Like I know I really want to do this. I'm hearing that Hunter has a terrible theater department, which of course makes me very nervous. Everyone is recommending Brooklyn College, but I really don't want to go there. Flatbush simply holds too many memories... which is a bit weird, because I don't feel like any other neighborhood holds too many memories to be able to hang around there on a daily basis. I mean, maybe being on the actual blocks I've lived before are a bit too much to handle on a daily basis, but the neighborhoods, no. Maybe it's because the other neighborhoods have enough things I love about them to cancel out any overly emotional sentimental drawbacks. Or maybe it's because Flatbush was the very first neighborhood in NYC I really experienced. I know not, and now I'm rambling.
Anyway, I feel good. Really fucking good. And that's all.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
School Schedule Spring 2009
MONDAY:
9:45-11:00
Acting I
11:10-12:00
German II
12:10-2:00
Intro to Theatre
2:45-4:00
Black Experience Lit
Tuesday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory
Wednesday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory
11:10-12:00
German II
12:10-1:00
Intro to Theatre
Thursday:
9:45-11:00
Acting I
11:10-12:00
German II
2:45-4:00
Black Experience Lit
Friday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory
Total Credits: 15.
9:45-11:00
Acting I
11:10-12:00
German II
12:10-2:00
Intro to Theatre
2:45-4:00
Black Experience Lit
Tuesday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory
Wednesday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory
11:10-12:00
German II
12:10-1:00
Intro to Theatre
Thursday:
9:45-11:00
Acting I
11:10-12:00
German II
2:45-4:00
Black Experience Lit
Friday:
9:10-10:00
Fundamentals of Music Theory
Total Credits: 15.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
silly music survey done with an online radio
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
pretty woman- roy orbison
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Finger poppin'-- ike & tina turner
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
proud mary- creedence clearwater revival
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
what makes the monkey dance-- chuck prophet
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
blue indian-- widespread panic
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
alice- tom waits
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
all along the watchtower- bob dylan
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
first glimmer- paul westerberg
WHAT IS 2+2?
go tell the women- grinderman
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
ballad of a lonely man- mike ness
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
imagine-- john lennon
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
venus in furs-- the velvet underground
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
i'm a man- bo diddly
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
i love to boogie- t rex
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
hawaii five-o--the ventures
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
longest days-- john mellencamp
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
venus-- frankie avalon
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
she belongs to me-- bob dylan
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
empty words-- blackmore's night
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
in a moment-- ray davies
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
too much love will kill you-- queen (yeah this is uncanny)
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
senseless fun-- dramarama
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
at the mercy- paul mccarthney
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
compute-- soulwax
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
wildwood flower-- mike ness
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
bone machine-- pixies
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
up all night-- widespread panic
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
blue norther-- something quartet (im getting lazy)
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
kicks-- paul revere and the somethings im lazy
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
here comes the sun-- the beatles
pretty woman- roy orbison
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Finger poppin'-- ike & tina turner
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
proud mary- creedence clearwater revival
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
what makes the monkey dance-- chuck prophet
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
blue indian-- widespread panic
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
alice- tom waits
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
all along the watchtower- bob dylan
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
first glimmer- paul westerberg
WHAT IS 2+2?
go tell the women- grinderman
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
ballad of a lonely man- mike ness
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
imagine-- john lennon
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
venus in furs-- the velvet underground
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
i'm a man- bo diddly
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
i love to boogie- t rex
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
hawaii five-o--the ventures
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
longest days-- john mellencamp
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
venus-- frankie avalon
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
she belongs to me-- bob dylan
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
empty words-- blackmore's night
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
in a moment-- ray davies
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
too much love will kill you-- queen (yeah this is uncanny)
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
senseless fun-- dramarama
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
at the mercy- paul mccarthney
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
compute-- soulwax
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
wildwood flower-- mike ness
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
bone machine-- pixies
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
up all night-- widespread panic
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
blue norther-- something quartet (im getting lazy)
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
kicks-- paul revere and the somethings im lazy
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
here comes the sun-- the beatles
Friday, November 28, 2008
Edit
I can morally handle sex without a date, I just can't morally handle sex with somebody with a girlfriend.
Cheating is not a good idea.
Take it from someone who knows, and cheated on her boyfriend (at the time) on their 1 year anniversary with his friend/coworker.
I just can't be involved in something like that.
And I am naive and realizing that you can't talk to any guy about sex things, or at least I can't, and have it not be eventually called leading them on.
Cheating is not a good idea.
Take it from someone who knows, and cheated on her boyfriend (at the time) on their 1 year anniversary with his friend/coworker.
I just can't be involved in something like that.
And I am naive and realizing that you can't talk to any guy about sex things, or at least I can't, and have it not be eventually called leading them on.
Alright
I'm over all this shit, completely, totally, and officially.
I'm ready to date again, muthafuckers, but I'm not moving in with anyone I'm dating, not at all, no way, no how. I want to stay in one place for a whole year, because the last time that happened was in like middle school or something, I think.
I can't sleep. I've been up writing poetry, which really isn't poetry, it's like just therapeutic blobs of stuff that has completely helped.
I just want to date a hot hipster boy (or girl, even), so somebody fix me up if you know somebody, I'm terribly bored here.
P.S. Screw rebounding. It's just boring not to date, because if you don't date people, you don't have sex unless it's a real shady situation or something that makes me feel like a bad person (and this is from somebody that's never known a religion). It'd be nice to at least eat a dinner together before jumping in bed, even if we split the cost of the dinner. I just can't morally handle sex without dinner, a movie, or at least some drinks and conversation.
I'm ready to date again, muthafuckers, but I'm not moving in with anyone I'm dating, not at all, no way, no how. I want to stay in one place for a whole year, because the last time that happened was in like middle school or something, I think.
I can't sleep. I've been up writing poetry, which really isn't poetry, it's like just therapeutic blobs of stuff that has completely helped.
I just want to date a hot hipster boy (or girl, even), so somebody fix me up if you know somebody, I'm terribly bored here.
P.S. Screw rebounding. It's just boring not to date, because if you don't date people, you don't have sex unless it's a real shady situation or something that makes me feel like a bad person (and this is from somebody that's never known a religion). It'd be nice to at least eat a dinner together before jumping in bed, even if we split the cost of the dinner. I just can't morally handle sex without dinner, a movie, or at least some drinks and conversation.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving!
Top 5 Things I am Thankful for This Thanksgiving:
1. Family and friends.
2. Employment.
3. Abby coming back!
4. Food.
5. Courage.
I am going to completely re-invent myself. I don't need to move to do so... NYC is a big place, and Hunter is giant, and I have no friends there, so there's no reason why I can't do it.
I'm not going to change too drastically... I just want to be more social, positive, independent, and less lazy. Those are all things that can change, because I have changed them before.
I'm feeling a lot better about this single thing... I mean, it's not as if I'm going to be alone forever. In fact, chances are I will spend the majority of my life in a relationship, so I might as well enjoy this. It has its perks. Plus I sort of like being able to do whatever I want. I mean, I wouldn't really be able to re-invent myself if I was with someone right now. So it's all good.
And on a side note, damn morals. Sometimes I wish I was more heartless, and though I have done heartless things before, perhaps, it doesn't mean that I am heartless.
1. Family and friends.
2. Employment.
3. Abby coming back!
4. Food.
5. Courage.
I am going to completely re-invent myself. I don't need to move to do so... NYC is a big place, and Hunter is giant, and I have no friends there, so there's no reason why I can't do it.
I'm not going to change too drastically... I just want to be more social, positive, independent, and less lazy. Those are all things that can change, because I have changed them before.
I'm feeling a lot better about this single thing... I mean, it's not as if I'm going to be alone forever. In fact, chances are I will spend the majority of my life in a relationship, so I might as well enjoy this. It has its perks. Plus I sort of like being able to do whatever I want. I mean, I wouldn't really be able to re-invent myself if I was with someone right now. So it's all good.
And on a side note, damn morals. Sometimes I wish I was more heartless, and though I have done heartless things before, perhaps, it doesn't mean that I am heartless.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Oh man
I've developed a strange fascination of the lead singer of of Montreal. Yeah, there's a lot of "ofs" but oh well.
I really want to change my name... I don't want to be "Ashley" anymore. I feel like I'm typecast and I just want something fresh.
Top 5 New Names, in no particular order:
1. Sadie
2. Jane
3. Anita
4. Maggie
5. Edie
Vote. Tell me which one you like best for my new alias.
I really want to change my name... I don't want to be "Ashley" anymore. I feel like I'm typecast and I just want something fresh.
Top 5 New Names, in no particular order:
1. Sadie
2. Jane
3. Anita
4. Maggie
5. Edie
Vote. Tell me which one you like best for my new alias.
Inspired by High Fidelity
“It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party.”
I felt sad today randomly and by accident, so I popped on High Fidelity and it made me feel so much better. Except for the end, I don't know, I really hate the ending. I hate when they get back together, and I knew it was coming but I still hoped something happened and they didn't get back together.
I've been researching a lot on how to get over breakups and such, not because I feel heart-broken or even sad, but because I want to be sure that I am over things because I realized that that is why things didn't work out, really. He was hurt that I wasn't the person I said I was, but I am that person, but I wasn't able to be that person because I was at my darkest hour. They say one month for every year of a relationship, and that was a 3.75 year relationship, which means I'm just wrapping up getting over it around now. So of course I wasn't ready. But I couldn't have known any better, I couldn't have known to say yeah I want to take it slow when I was asked countless times.
So anyway, all that research says to make lists, and High Fidelity made me want to make lists, so here it goes....
I made a few lists, but they all seemed too personal to put here. Well, not too personal, but I just feel like it would cause more trouble than I need right now. So nevermind, maybe later.
I felt sad today randomly and by accident, so I popped on High Fidelity and it made me feel so much better. Except for the end, I don't know, I really hate the ending. I hate when they get back together, and I knew it was coming but I still hoped something happened and they didn't get back together.
I've been researching a lot on how to get over breakups and such, not because I feel heart-broken or even sad, but because I want to be sure that I am over things because I realized that that is why things didn't work out, really. He was hurt that I wasn't the person I said I was, but I am that person, but I wasn't able to be that person because I was at my darkest hour. They say one month for every year of a relationship, and that was a 3.75 year relationship, which means I'm just wrapping up getting over it around now. So of course I wasn't ready. But I couldn't have known any better, I couldn't have known to say yeah I want to take it slow when I was asked countless times.
So anyway, all that research says to make lists, and High Fidelity made me want to make lists, so here it goes....
I made a few lists, but they all seemed too personal to put here. Well, not too personal, but I just feel like it would cause more trouble than I need right now. So nevermind, maybe later.
Monday, November 24, 2008
The Scream
I'm here, in CT, and I feel oddly full of life and hopeful. I feel oddly happy, almost the happiest ever. Mike Hill is probably going to move with me to NYC in January, which makes me so happy! For those who don't know Mike and wince at hearing of me moving in with another guy, I should mention that Mike is gay, so no worries there.
I want to be who I am. I want to feel how I feel. I am realizing that perhaps the only thing I have to change right now are my priorities. I should put me first, then school, work, friends/family, art/writing, hygiene, then relationship/love/like/lust stuff.
I think maybe how I am-- or how I will be, after I get over a lot of crap-- may be exactly perfect for somebody out there, at some point. I need to socialize more, but I think I have accomplished so much for a 20 year old who faced a lot of difficulties. I think I take pretty good care of myself, but I think I grew up too fast. I dabble in reckless stuff from time to time because I want to be my age. Granted, I should perhaps be a little more careful, and of course not let that shit affect work/school. But I need to let my hair down, get too drunk, make a few poor choices... I'm not a fucked up person, not really, I am just trying to live it up a little because I know, I do know, how to really get my shit together, but I know once I do I'm gonna rock that conservative shit, and I don't want that yet. I'm doing pretty fucking good, I support myself, have a 3.9 GPA, and have a job as a web editor, which pays on average $80,000 a year with only 3-5 years experience, which I will have when I graduate. That's pretty damn cool. I have big dreams of owning my own theatre and bringing cool to suburbs and traveling the world and I know I'm really going to do it. I tend to get everything I want, because what I want is stuff that only takes some work and a little bit of luck. And a lot of focus and drive.
I'm going to get really into the art scene in NYC when I come back to NYC. Expect to see me at any art stuff/music stuff/theatre/writing stuff that lets me in with my 20-year-old ID.
I don't even want a boyfriend right now, and that's probably why things went wrong in the first place. I want to date, at some point, but after I get over this stuff. And I'd like to explore things with girls and see where that goes.
I just want to live! I have a Penny Lane-like quality (Almost Famous), and it's been dying to come out for a long time. I am sort of sick of serious things, I'm 20, and I don't want to get married for a long time.
I am so, so happy right now.
I want to be who I am. I want to feel how I feel. I am realizing that perhaps the only thing I have to change right now are my priorities. I should put me first, then school, work, friends/family, art/writing, hygiene, then relationship/love/like/lust stuff.
I think maybe how I am-- or how I will be, after I get over a lot of crap-- may be exactly perfect for somebody out there, at some point. I need to socialize more, but I think I have accomplished so much for a 20 year old who faced a lot of difficulties. I think I take pretty good care of myself, but I think I grew up too fast. I dabble in reckless stuff from time to time because I want to be my age. Granted, I should perhaps be a little more careful, and of course not let that shit affect work/school. But I need to let my hair down, get too drunk, make a few poor choices... I'm not a fucked up person, not really, I am just trying to live it up a little because I know, I do know, how to really get my shit together, but I know once I do I'm gonna rock that conservative shit, and I don't want that yet. I'm doing pretty fucking good, I support myself, have a 3.9 GPA, and have a job as a web editor, which pays on average $80,000 a year with only 3-5 years experience, which I will have when I graduate. That's pretty damn cool. I have big dreams of owning my own theatre and bringing cool to suburbs and traveling the world and I know I'm really going to do it. I tend to get everything I want, because what I want is stuff that only takes some work and a little bit of luck. And a lot of focus and drive.
I'm going to get really into the art scene in NYC when I come back to NYC. Expect to see me at any art stuff/music stuff/theatre/writing stuff that lets me in with my 20-year-old ID.
I don't even want a boyfriend right now, and that's probably why things went wrong in the first place. I want to date, at some point, but after I get over this stuff. And I'd like to explore things with girls and see where that goes.
I just want to live! I have a Penny Lane-like quality (Almost Famous), and it's been dying to come out for a long time. I am sort of sick of serious things, I'm 20, and I don't want to get married for a long time.
I am so, so happy right now.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Weirdness
The only think weirder than weirdness is lack of weirdness when there should be more.
That can apply to pretty much any of the 100 different intense things that are happening right now. And it's funny, because I can imagine people reading this and thinking oh, I know what she's talking about and thinking about 1-5 different situations, but really there are so many different things going on with me right now, it's crazy. No one person, besides myself, knows all of them.
I enjoy being single, I do. I'm really feeling like I'm actually getting in the process of getting my shit together.
Staying here with Nathan has been way not awkward. Well, it's a little awkward, but it's not bad. I don't know what happened, but I am taking all this crazy, crazy well. I cried for like a day or something, then I realized that both of us were pretty miserable together, and I remembered how much fun we had when we were friends, and I know that this is actually great because after we both have time to really move on and adjust, we are going to get to be friends again. I'd rather have him as a fun friend in the city than as a boyfriend right now, and though I will miss his company, this is really just the right thing.
That can apply to pretty much any of the 100 different intense things that are happening right now. And it's funny, because I can imagine people reading this and thinking oh, I know what she's talking about and thinking about 1-5 different situations, but really there are so many different things going on with me right now, it's crazy. No one person, besides myself, knows all of them.
I enjoy being single, I do. I'm really feeling like I'm actually getting in the process of getting my shit together.
Staying here with Nathan has been way not awkward. Well, it's a little awkward, but it's not bad. I don't know what happened, but I am taking all this crazy, crazy well. I cried for like a day or something, then I realized that both of us were pretty miserable together, and I remembered how much fun we had when we were friends, and I know that this is actually great because after we both have time to really move on and adjust, we are going to get to be friends again. I'd rather have him as a fun friend in the city than as a boyfriend right now, and though I will miss his company, this is really just the right thing.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Jesus Christ
My life is really, really weird right now... I don't mind it, I'm having a pretty good time, but my god, shit is strange. I can't really write about it here, though I want to, just for the sake of advice and getting things out, but a blog is public enough, and some of the things on my mind shouldn't really be told to anyone besides a best friend over cocktails, a la Sex in the City.
But there is one thing I must record, just so when I screw it up, I can go, aha, I meant to remember that: I got to try taking things slow.
There are problems with that, however. I don't want to be in a relationship right now, so taking things slow when I only want casual things doesn't really make sense. I got to find a way to make things not go so fast that it ruins everything, self-destructs, but not so slowly that it is mind-games and develops into actual... feelings and stuff. I don't know, this stuff really doesn't make sense to me. But hey, it's worth a try.
An interesting note: I found out today that somebody I had a big crush on in high school who I was too shy to ask out myself and had others do it... turns out they never actually asked him, though they came back saying that he said no.
Man, high school...
I follow Gossip Girl religiously, and lately I've been thinking that my life is like the poor college version of Gossip Girl, and as one of my favorite people told me very recently, I am 70% Serena and 30% Blair.
This blog is almost pointless, I feel, because I have no idea who reads it, and I'm in enough awkward situations where writing juicy stuff would be a very bad idea. It's a shame, though, I like recording my thoughts and reflecting, but I could always set entries to private, I suppose, but I won't... I'm just going to relax a bit and see what happens.
But there is one thing I must record, just so when I screw it up, I can go, aha, I meant to remember that: I got to try taking things slow.
There are problems with that, however. I don't want to be in a relationship right now, so taking things slow when I only want casual things doesn't really make sense. I got to find a way to make things not go so fast that it ruins everything, self-destructs, but not so slowly that it is mind-games and develops into actual... feelings and stuff. I don't know, this stuff really doesn't make sense to me. But hey, it's worth a try.
An interesting note: I found out today that somebody I had a big crush on in high school who I was too shy to ask out myself and had others do it... turns out they never actually asked him, though they came back saying that he said no.
Man, high school...
I follow Gossip Girl religiously, and lately I've been thinking that my life is like the poor college version of Gossip Girl, and as one of my favorite people told me very recently, I am 70% Serena and 30% Blair.
This blog is almost pointless, I feel, because I have no idea who reads it, and I'm in enough awkward situations where writing juicy stuff would be a very bad idea. It's a shame, though, I like recording my thoughts and reflecting, but I could always set entries to private, I suppose, but I won't... I'm just going to relax a bit and see what happens.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Wowsers
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm into girls. I think I'm bi though.
Well that's an interesting revelation.
I have been feeling lately that I'd much rather be with a girl. But I'm still scared I won't like the sex.
I definitely want to explore this new found side of me!
I'm totally scared of being single because the longest I've gone without sex since having sex has been like 3 weeks. Since I was 16, I've never gone longer than 3 weeks. That's really... wow.
I'm cool with being single and figuring stuff out about myself, but I'm already getting crazed from like 2 days without it. I like sex way too much.
Well that's an interesting revelation.
I have been feeling lately that I'd much rather be with a girl. But I'm still scared I won't like the sex.
I definitely want to explore this new found side of me!
I'm totally scared of being single because the longest I've gone without sex since having sex has been like 3 weeks. Since I was 16, I've never gone longer than 3 weeks. That's really... wow.
I'm cool with being single and figuring stuff out about myself, but I'm already getting crazed from like 2 days without it. I like sex way too much.
So...
So I'm single, for the first time really since age 16. I didn't eat at all for like two days, but today I went out and bought my share of comfort food, though I could only manage to eat half a small box of Oreos. Shame on me.
I have to start packing after this. I'm moving out of here and to my Mom's place in Warren, CT for a month or so to save up money to buy a bitchin' place in Bushwick/Williamsburg/Greenpoint or Astoria/Long Island City. Nathan is helping me move my stuff Thursday, and then I'm coming back with him, living in awkwardness (but better than living alone in my mom's big house), having a potluck party Saturday with him, then leaving Sunday morning when my mom flies back from Florida.
So. Much. Happened.
Why is my mom flying back from Florida? Well, my grandmother died. This happened the day before la breakup. Happy times.
I did, however, call up Christopher the day after the breakup. I'm meeting him tomorrow for drinks in Manhattan. He seemed really happy to hear from me, and I apologized for everything. Don't worry, friends, I am not going to do anything crazy... I want to be single for awhile and get my shit together. But talking to Chris... it was wonderful. I forgot how he has the ability to understand everything about me and make me laugh even during the darkest times. In a way, it is good that we broke up, because he sounds so much better. I really think he's grown into a wonderful person, and I hope to have a friendship with him.
I also hope to have a friendship with Nathan. That may take awhile. Shit is a little awkward here, but maybe only because I'm not used to breakups without a lot of drama, so the silence gets to me. I'm quite an awkward person, so the silence makes me so nervous that I randomly say weird stupid shit and laugh a lot, and get silence as a response... it's awful.
I am beginning to realize that Nathan and I were not very good together in a lot of ways. It's important to love somebody for who they are, and I was not loved for that. I tried to change, but it didn't really work. While there are certain things about me lately that I must change, and will change (such as laziness), there were too many things he didn't understand about me.
I'm going to be single for awhile and get rid of my baggage.
But here's an outline of who I'd like to be with someday:
-Somebody who loves me for who I am, and doesn't get overly bothered by my flaws.
-Somebody who wants to take me out on the town and show me cool stuff.
-Somebody whose "us" time can consist of a romantic at-home movie or a crazy party.
-Somebody who encouraged me to work and pursue my dreams (Nathan was very good at this, but it didn't work for some reason).
-Somebody who doesn't make me feel like a failure.
-Somebody who is confident being on their own and doesn't need me.
-Somebody who is not angry or violent.
-Somebody shy and quiet and artistic and introspective. Somebody that I can talk to like the last minute of Scrubs and have realizations and it would be interesting, not stressful.
-Somebody who understands me.
-Somebody who wants exactly as much space as I want.
-Somebody really cuddly. Hehe.
-Somebody that can challenge me artistically and be interested in both the academic snooty stuff and the crazy vagina sculptures.
Another thing...
I am wondering about my sexual orientation. I don't have any experiences with the same sex, so I can't say I'm bi or lesbian. I do like guys, but I am far more attracted to girls. For instance, I can't really get off by myself without thinking about girls. And I think having a relationship with a girl and cuddling and stuff sounds so fun. I'm just not sure if I'd like the sex part. I don't know if I'd feel fulfilled. It's worth a try, though.
I have to start packing after this. I'm moving out of here and to my Mom's place in Warren, CT for a month or so to save up money to buy a bitchin' place in Bushwick/Williamsburg/Greenpoint or Astoria/Long Island City. Nathan is helping me move my stuff Thursday, and then I'm coming back with him, living in awkwardness (but better than living alone in my mom's big house), having a potluck party Saturday with him, then leaving Sunday morning when my mom flies back from Florida.
So. Much. Happened.
Why is my mom flying back from Florida? Well, my grandmother died. This happened the day before la breakup. Happy times.
I did, however, call up Christopher the day after the breakup. I'm meeting him tomorrow for drinks in Manhattan. He seemed really happy to hear from me, and I apologized for everything. Don't worry, friends, I am not going to do anything crazy... I want to be single for awhile and get my shit together. But talking to Chris... it was wonderful. I forgot how he has the ability to understand everything about me and make me laugh even during the darkest times. In a way, it is good that we broke up, because he sounds so much better. I really think he's grown into a wonderful person, and I hope to have a friendship with him.
I also hope to have a friendship with Nathan. That may take awhile. Shit is a little awkward here, but maybe only because I'm not used to breakups without a lot of drama, so the silence gets to me. I'm quite an awkward person, so the silence makes me so nervous that I randomly say weird stupid shit and laugh a lot, and get silence as a response... it's awful.
I am beginning to realize that Nathan and I were not very good together in a lot of ways. It's important to love somebody for who they are, and I was not loved for that. I tried to change, but it didn't really work. While there are certain things about me lately that I must change, and will change (such as laziness), there were too many things he didn't understand about me.
I'm going to be single for awhile and get rid of my baggage.
But here's an outline of who I'd like to be with someday:
-Somebody who loves me for who I am, and doesn't get overly bothered by my flaws.
-Somebody who wants to take me out on the town and show me cool stuff.
-Somebody whose "us" time can consist of a romantic at-home movie or a crazy party.
-Somebody who encouraged me to work and pursue my dreams (Nathan was very good at this, but it didn't work for some reason).
-Somebody who doesn't make me feel like a failure.
-Somebody who is confident being on their own and doesn't need me.
-Somebody who is not angry or violent.
-Somebody shy and quiet and artistic and introspective. Somebody that I can talk to like the last minute of Scrubs and have realizations and it would be interesting, not stressful.
-Somebody who understands me.
-Somebody who wants exactly as much space as I want.
-Somebody really cuddly. Hehe.
-Somebody that can challenge me artistically and be interested in both the academic snooty stuff and the crazy vagina sculptures.
Another thing...
I am wondering about my sexual orientation. I don't have any experiences with the same sex, so I can't say I'm bi or lesbian. I do like guys, but I am far more attracted to girls. For instance, I can't really get off by myself without thinking about girls. And I think having a relationship with a girl and cuddling and stuff sounds so fun. I'm just not sure if I'd like the sex part. I don't know if I'd feel fulfilled. It's worth a try, though.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
School/Career Plans
-I think I've decided to major in Theatre and minor in English at Hunter. I don't know why exactly I've suddenly decided to go with theatre, but I know that this is something that I actually should do. So I'm going to do it, and I'm not going to look back this time and change my mind. Though I will be in school for awhile longer, I will have the ability to take out loans as needed and pay them back because by the time I graduate, I will have at least 3 years experience as a web editor, which pays very, very well.
-I will continue to do web editing stuff and gain enough work experience where it will always be a very valid backup. I will probably end up doing web editing stuff as my career, but enriching my life by seeing (and understanding) plays and such, and I would have the money to be able to even dabble in a few unpaid theatre things just for fun.
Thus... I will be able to mix art and money, just as two separate things.
-I will continue to do web editing stuff and gain enough work experience where it will always be a very valid backup. I will probably end up doing web editing stuff as my career, but enriching my life by seeing (and understanding) plays and such, and I would have the money to be able to even dabble in a few unpaid theatre things just for fun.
Thus... I will be able to mix art and money, just as two separate things.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Reflection
Random thoughts of reflection:
-I have wonderful friends, lots of them, and I shouldn't ever say that I don't have friends. It's mostly my fault why I don't have much of a social life. Of course, a lot of my friends do live outside the city, therefore hanging out it difficult if not near impossible, but there are plenty of people here in the city that like me and I should make more of an effort to hang out with them.
-I have far more male friends than female friends. I probably have more females on my Facebook friends list, but that's because I used to only really have female friends. But as far as people who I hang out with and talk to frequently, they are usually males. I can only think of 3 females that I'd define as close. One I hardly talk to and lives far away and sometimes pisses me off/sometimes I piss her off, the other I talk to via Facebook quite often and tell nearly everything to but she lives far away as well, and the other I tend to not hang out with much mainly because I am flaky. I talk to/hang out with way more dudes. I wonder if that is just chance. I wouldn't say I necessarily get along with guys better than girls. In fact, I usually have the most fun when there are at least some girls around. Maybe it's just easier for me to make friends with guys. I feel less intimidated.
-I have no idea what to do about college.
-I feel like I need to spend a few hours pouring my guts out to someone, but no one deserves to listen to that.
-I don't know what to make of something, but I know I shouldn't make anything out of it, mentally I know it's a bad idea to even think about or care about for sooo many reasons, but emotionally I can't seem to shake it. This, especially, I need a female ear to lend itself for just a few minutes of ranting and cigarette smoking.
-I feel great confusion about my past, mainly my far past, as in upbringing and childhood/teenage-dom and stuff.
-I am realizing that a lot of my thoughts and feelings and reactions to stuff is completely wrong and unwarranted. It is confusing. And the whole time I feel a bit guilty because I am sure some people had to feel the brunt of years worth of that crap, and I know I shouldn't go there, I shouldn't feel guilty because everybody makes mistakes and at the very least mistakes were quite mutual.
-I can't listen to the Beach Boys anymore. And I know who to blame. Something about the Beach Boys screams high school sweethearts and naive shit. I think I am too jaded for that anymore. It's like wearing white when getting married-- it symbolizes something that is just so foreign now. I find myself being able to listen to things I thought I wouldn't be able to listen to, and things I thought would be fine are often hellish. I am over it, really, but there are just things that I can't listen to anymore. I think that's normal, though I wouldn't know really.
-I have wonderful friends, lots of them, and I shouldn't ever say that I don't have friends. It's mostly my fault why I don't have much of a social life. Of course, a lot of my friends do live outside the city, therefore hanging out it difficult if not near impossible, but there are plenty of people here in the city that like me and I should make more of an effort to hang out with them.
-I have far more male friends than female friends. I probably have more females on my Facebook friends list, but that's because I used to only really have female friends. But as far as people who I hang out with and talk to frequently, they are usually males. I can only think of 3 females that I'd define as close. One I hardly talk to and lives far away and sometimes pisses me off/sometimes I piss her off, the other I talk to via Facebook quite often and tell nearly everything to but she lives far away as well, and the other I tend to not hang out with much mainly because I am flaky. I talk to/hang out with way more dudes. I wonder if that is just chance. I wouldn't say I necessarily get along with guys better than girls. In fact, I usually have the most fun when there are at least some girls around. Maybe it's just easier for me to make friends with guys. I feel less intimidated.
-I have no idea what to do about college.
-I feel like I need to spend a few hours pouring my guts out to someone, but no one deserves to listen to that.
-I don't know what to make of something, but I know I shouldn't make anything out of it, mentally I know it's a bad idea to even think about or care about for sooo many reasons, but emotionally I can't seem to shake it. This, especially, I need a female ear to lend itself for just a few minutes of ranting and cigarette smoking.
-I feel great confusion about my past, mainly my far past, as in upbringing and childhood/teenage-dom and stuff.
-I am realizing that a lot of my thoughts and feelings and reactions to stuff is completely wrong and unwarranted. It is confusing. And the whole time I feel a bit guilty because I am sure some people had to feel the brunt of years worth of that crap, and I know I shouldn't go there, I shouldn't feel guilty because everybody makes mistakes and at the very least mistakes were quite mutual.
-I can't listen to the Beach Boys anymore. And I know who to blame. Something about the Beach Boys screams high school sweethearts and naive shit. I think I am too jaded for that anymore. It's like wearing white when getting married-- it symbolizes something that is just so foreign now. I find myself being able to listen to things I thought I wouldn't be able to listen to, and things I thought would be fine are often hellish. I am over it, really, but there are just things that I can't listen to anymore. I think that's normal, though I wouldn't know really.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Thoughts
I want to record these thoughts quickly:
-Though I am generally a rather ambivalent person, especially when it comes to politics, I must admit that as I observe people, riot officers, current events... I feel like this is the closest to historic '60s revolution that I will ever see in my lifetime. I don't mean that in a purely pop culture way... the best class I ever, ever took was an 8am class at WestConn that focused solely on the historic and cultural events, effects, influences, what have you of the 1950s and 60s. And I actually went to that class, so I feel like I know a thing or two, though I am by no means an expert or anything. I must say that among all the change (replace change with revolution and tell me it's not all too familiar) I feel like the chain smoking beatnik listening to Ray Charles and writing and observing and dreaming of road trips and old gas prices... I live very close to where Jack Kerouac lived when he wrote On the Road. I usually don't take the side of police, but from what I've seen of the incidents of hipsters vs. riot officers in Williamsburg, that shit is retarded. If I was there, fuck, when riot officers come and say get out of the street, don't start hollering about rights man. Get the fuck out of there. It's only common sense, and the rights argument is retarded anyway. Yeah, peaceful assembly is a right, but you also can't block traffic and roads and sidewalks and drink in the street. There's this video on Gothamist, I think, of people having their camera phones smashed and it being so unfair and abuse and whatnot. That's retarded. Somebody commented that they were trying to get out of the way, slowly, so it wasn't deserved... um... you can clearly see from the buildings on the background that they weren't moving back, and there were like a row of people either filming or arguing with the officers, facing them... I'm not sure, but I think if you want to get out of the way and move and there's a lot of people, you should probably at least face the direction that you should be moving. If I was there, I can bet you I would have been at least two neighborhoods down at the first sight of riot officers. Don't mess with that shit, it's stupid, and at least know the law before you start hollering like a drunken hippie, and if you do want to do that, then rock it. Don't whine about being arrested, that's not what you're supposed to do! Throw yer cuffed hands in the air and scream fuck them pigs or something, not whine about your trust fund being cut off. If this is the '60s, I really hope acid truly invades Brooklyn and the village, and hipsters squat in warehouses (not paying a ridiculous price for a converted warehouse) and fight cops with the intention and knowledge of getting arrested and fuck the system and shit. Do it all the way, or people aren't going to care. Nobody cares about people who don't work real jobs, live off their parents, and mouth off to cops. It doesn't send the same message. Revolution is an all or nothing term.
-Another thought... it is a weird feeling to realize that somebody cared about you as much, maybe even more, than you cared about them... perhaps my realism approach is just a method of protecting my feelings. Perhaps it was just a bad time, a time when I thought that I couldn't be cared about like that. Maybe it was just 17, and I knew that it couldn't work, or I was so used to the love them and leave them approach that was talked about on Lucky Strike breaks that I didn't think I was any different. I'm almost his age now, and I am beginning to realize what words actually meant, about exactly everything I misunderstood. I don't quite feel like it was a missed opportunity, as I know it really wouldn't have worked at that time anyway, and that's probably why the words were vague enough for me to misunderstand. It's just weird, really weird, because I can't think of a person in years that I thought was the ideal, the cat's pjs, and thought so, so unreachable, that I haven't found out one way or another that they were into me in some sense. And the scary realization that the way they were into me contained actual feelings... and means that the mutual feelings I thought at times were there and the mutual feelings others insisted they could tell, they could sense from a mile away, well, I guess I wasn't crazy. I dismissed it as being 16, being 17, being young and inexperienced and thought that everybody only wanted sex, that I was too young, too... something, for real deep feelings to be mutual. Huh.
-Though I am generally a rather ambivalent person, especially when it comes to politics, I must admit that as I observe people, riot officers, current events... I feel like this is the closest to historic '60s revolution that I will ever see in my lifetime. I don't mean that in a purely pop culture way... the best class I ever, ever took was an 8am class at WestConn that focused solely on the historic and cultural events, effects, influences, what have you of the 1950s and 60s. And I actually went to that class, so I feel like I know a thing or two, though I am by no means an expert or anything. I must say that among all the change (replace change with revolution and tell me it's not all too familiar) I feel like the chain smoking beatnik listening to Ray Charles and writing and observing and dreaming of road trips and old gas prices... I live very close to where Jack Kerouac lived when he wrote On the Road. I usually don't take the side of police, but from what I've seen of the incidents of hipsters vs. riot officers in Williamsburg, that shit is retarded. If I was there, fuck, when riot officers come and say get out of the street, don't start hollering about rights man. Get the fuck out of there. It's only common sense, and the rights argument is retarded anyway. Yeah, peaceful assembly is a right, but you also can't block traffic and roads and sidewalks and drink in the street. There's this video on Gothamist, I think, of people having their camera phones smashed and it being so unfair and abuse and whatnot. That's retarded. Somebody commented that they were trying to get out of the way, slowly, so it wasn't deserved... um... you can clearly see from the buildings on the background that they weren't moving back, and there were like a row of people either filming or arguing with the officers, facing them... I'm not sure, but I think if you want to get out of the way and move and there's a lot of people, you should probably at least face the direction that you should be moving. If I was there, I can bet you I would have been at least two neighborhoods down at the first sight of riot officers. Don't mess with that shit, it's stupid, and at least know the law before you start hollering like a drunken hippie, and if you do want to do that, then rock it. Don't whine about being arrested, that's not what you're supposed to do! Throw yer cuffed hands in the air and scream fuck them pigs or something, not whine about your trust fund being cut off. If this is the '60s, I really hope acid truly invades Brooklyn and the village, and hipsters squat in warehouses (not paying a ridiculous price for a converted warehouse) and fight cops with the intention and knowledge of getting arrested and fuck the system and shit. Do it all the way, or people aren't going to care. Nobody cares about people who don't work real jobs, live off their parents, and mouth off to cops. It doesn't send the same message. Revolution is an all or nothing term.
-Another thought... it is a weird feeling to realize that somebody cared about you as much, maybe even more, than you cared about them... perhaps my realism approach is just a method of protecting my feelings. Perhaps it was just a bad time, a time when I thought that I couldn't be cared about like that. Maybe it was just 17, and I knew that it couldn't work, or I was so used to the love them and leave them approach that was talked about on Lucky Strike breaks that I didn't think I was any different. I'm almost his age now, and I am beginning to realize what words actually meant, about exactly everything I misunderstood. I don't quite feel like it was a missed opportunity, as I know it really wouldn't have worked at that time anyway, and that's probably why the words were vague enough for me to misunderstand. It's just weird, really weird, because I can't think of a person in years that I thought was the ideal, the cat's pjs, and thought so, so unreachable, that I haven't found out one way or another that they were into me in some sense. And the scary realization that the way they were into me contained actual feelings... and means that the mutual feelings I thought at times were there and the mutual feelings others insisted they could tell, they could sense from a mile away, well, I guess I wasn't crazy. I dismissed it as being 16, being 17, being young and inexperienced and thought that everybody only wanted sex, that I was too young, too... something, for real deep feelings to be mutual. Huh.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Can't think of a title
New goal: Lose 10-20 pounds and not be too unhealthy about it. Lose by Christmas.
I'm oddly back to my high school weight, and I'm not happy about it. Since I left high school, I've been so pleased to have a rather thin figure, and now I feel hefty again and unattractive. The good news is that I'm pretty good at losing weight, so I should be back to pre-breakup weight rather soon.
I am hoping people finally shut up about the election soon. I did not vote. I'm sick of people acting like people who don't vote are the scum of the Earth and bad Americans. Why didn't I vote? I don't think I'm informed enough to make a good decision. I can't find the quote now, but some philosopher dude once said that the most intelligent people are those who see where they are lacking, and those hardcore about things are often the biggest fools. I'm not trying to say I'm better than people, and I'm not trying to say that it isn't my fault to some extent that I'm not informed enough. The fact is, I don't buy what the media says, and I'm not one to jump on a bandwagon. For me to feel informed enough, I would have to do weeks of my own research, and frankly I've been too busy to do that. Therefore, by my own standards, I do not qualify to vote. I also think that all politicians are liars. People are freaking worshiping Obama, especially people my age. Are you fucking kidding me? It's one thing to really like someone, but no one worshiping Obama has given me a sound explanation. They actually think he's going to be a revolutionary. Not a realistic revolutionary, even, but some Jesus figure who will turn all the water in the world to wine. Really? Seriously? Where the fuck have you been? Presidents don't even have enough power to do all the shit he's promised. There's still Congress, and though there is a Democrat majority, there are still moderate Democrats. He's not your fucking savior. It sickens me to see people crying at the polls like oh my gosh, now I won't have to pay my bills and gas... get a fucking job! Now, I am in no means a Republican... except I agree with them about most immigration issues (do white urban high school and college students even have a chance to find a job? Seems every job that doesn't require a degree/loads of experience is taken by people who don't even speak English just because they will work for a lower wage and then not pay taxes. Nice). I'm not even going to get started on the stupidity of McCain, let alone Palin (haha really not even going to go there), mostly because most of the people I know already know all those things. The Internet, the media, etc all has plenty of coverage on Republican stupidity. But no one dares to even whisper "hey, guess what? Obama is a freaking mortal, you know." They'd probably get shot in NYC, and be a social outcast as a 20 year old up here. And don't even get me started on people who won't shut up about the race issue, whether for or against. If you don't want people to look at you and see black, Hispanic, Asian, woman... then shut the fuck up about it. Drawing attention to Obama's race, again, whether for or against, is making people view him differently. It shouldn't make a difference if he was a transgender cat, if you truly believe in equality. Of course, most asscats aren't ready to see their own stupidity and see that they don't actually believe in equality. If you do, you wouldn't vote for Obama because he is black or McCain because he is white or Palin or Hilary because they are women. It wouldn't matter. Just sayin'.
I really hope everybody wakes up and realizes that things won't change into a magical fairy fairyland. Obama will make mistakes... what President hasn't? Or what human, for that matter, hasn't? Things will be rough, especially economically, for a very long time. And chances are, sometimes Obama's policies will benefit you personally, and sometimes they won't. It is best to look at the bigger picture, and be realistic about it. All big changes do not happen in one term. Often it takes decades, even centuries, for change to really happen. I do think that Obama will help things, I do. He will, hopefully, get the ball rolling. I also think people will end up disliking him and being very disenchanted, perhaps even feel lied to, because their expectations on a whole are unrealistic. A politician is a politician. Kennedy, Lincoln, FDR... they all did things that weren't so revolutionary, things that we who want revolution would not agree with so much. Look at the facts, look at reality, and be prepared to wait for a long, long time.
I'm oddly back to my high school weight, and I'm not happy about it. Since I left high school, I've been so pleased to have a rather thin figure, and now I feel hefty again and unattractive. The good news is that I'm pretty good at losing weight, so I should be back to pre-breakup weight rather soon.
I am hoping people finally shut up about the election soon. I did not vote. I'm sick of people acting like people who don't vote are the scum of the Earth and bad Americans. Why didn't I vote? I don't think I'm informed enough to make a good decision. I can't find the quote now, but some philosopher dude once said that the most intelligent people are those who see where they are lacking, and those hardcore about things are often the biggest fools. I'm not trying to say I'm better than people, and I'm not trying to say that it isn't my fault to some extent that I'm not informed enough. The fact is, I don't buy what the media says, and I'm not one to jump on a bandwagon. For me to feel informed enough, I would have to do weeks of my own research, and frankly I've been too busy to do that. Therefore, by my own standards, I do not qualify to vote. I also think that all politicians are liars. People are freaking worshiping Obama, especially people my age. Are you fucking kidding me? It's one thing to really like someone, but no one worshiping Obama has given me a sound explanation. They actually think he's going to be a revolutionary. Not a realistic revolutionary, even, but some Jesus figure who will turn all the water in the world to wine. Really? Seriously? Where the fuck have you been? Presidents don't even have enough power to do all the shit he's promised. There's still Congress, and though there is a Democrat majority, there are still moderate Democrats. He's not your fucking savior. It sickens me to see people crying at the polls like oh my gosh, now I won't have to pay my bills and gas... get a fucking job! Now, I am in no means a Republican... except I agree with them about most immigration issues (do white urban high school and college students even have a chance to find a job? Seems every job that doesn't require a degree/loads of experience is taken by people who don't even speak English just because they will work for a lower wage and then not pay taxes. Nice). I'm not even going to get started on the stupidity of McCain, let alone Palin (haha really not even going to go there), mostly because most of the people I know already know all those things. The Internet, the media, etc all has plenty of coverage on Republican stupidity. But no one dares to even whisper "hey, guess what? Obama is a freaking mortal, you know." They'd probably get shot in NYC, and be a social outcast as a 20 year old up here. And don't even get me started on people who won't shut up about the race issue, whether for or against. If you don't want people to look at you and see black, Hispanic, Asian, woman... then shut the fuck up about it. Drawing attention to Obama's race, again, whether for or against, is making people view him differently. It shouldn't make a difference if he was a transgender cat, if you truly believe in equality. Of course, most asscats aren't ready to see their own stupidity and see that they don't actually believe in equality. If you do, you wouldn't vote for Obama because he is black or McCain because he is white or Palin or Hilary because they are women. It wouldn't matter. Just sayin'.
I really hope everybody wakes up and realizes that things won't change into a magical fairy fairyland. Obama will make mistakes... what President hasn't? Or what human, for that matter, hasn't? Things will be rough, especially economically, for a very long time. And chances are, sometimes Obama's policies will benefit you personally, and sometimes they won't. It is best to look at the bigger picture, and be realistic about it. All big changes do not happen in one term. Often it takes decades, even centuries, for change to really happen. I do think that Obama will help things, I do. He will, hopefully, get the ball rolling. I also think people will end up disliking him and being very disenchanted, perhaps even feel lied to, because their expectations on a whole are unrealistic. A politician is a politician. Kennedy, Lincoln, FDR... they all did things that weren't so revolutionary, things that we who want revolution would not agree with so much. Look at the facts, look at reality, and be prepared to wait for a long, long time.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Something
So the past few days have been hectic. I'm not going to go into it though. The point is that I can breathe again.
"Something" by the Beatles is beautiful and I can't wait for snow and the holidays even though all of Manhattan turns more and more into Times Square the closer it gets to Christmas. It's still gorgeous, and if you're like me and not too much of a political activist, I suggest looking past the corporate-ness of it all for a second. I recommend going to the highest floor of Filene's Basement in Union Square and looking out the window during a snowfall. Something about the holidays in Manhattan reminds me of old New York, not old New York as in crack heads and junkies, but really old New York. And everybody looks so cute and equally vulnerable in their big coats and red running noses, slipping in the snow. And there tends to be a sort of understanding in the air, even though I'm sure there are plenty of evil people fighting in stores over the last Wii or whatever, from up there looking down it can be imagined that there is understanding and peace and happiness just for a second.
I get too sentimental about the holidays.
Anyways, I am back to my old good self, productive, though now I suppose this is procrastination, though it's not really, I view this as productive as well. It's quite necessary, for me.
Back to "real" work though I must go!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Officially 20 and a Half
Yay half birthdays!
On a totally unrelated note, I am a total idiot. I really do somehow manage to screw everything up, one way or another. Maybe I'm like a robot or something with a chip in my mind that only programs one thing: self-destruct and take down anyone else with you. I say chip because I really can't imagine that I am actually that retarded, but I know I am, alas there is no chip, just my own stupid, stupid little girl mindset. Sometimes I do wonder if I truly am hopeless, but I know I'm not, not really. I guess I just wonder how much harder do I have to try so things don't go to shit, and do I have it in me to exert more effort. I don't really think it's an issue of me not doing enough, at least that's not the root of any issue of me not doing enough. The root, the reason behind all of this, is substances, I believe. So if I sober up (as if one has a choice when their life crumbles at their own hand), if I stop self-destructing, will things get better? I really doubt they could get much worse.
I feel like I know how everyone sees me. A drunken doll thrown around one to many times. High on internal drama that doesn't have a name and is such a damn mess no one wants to touch it anyway. There is a problem, a major fault with usually putting others before oneself, and that is the fact that one doesn't get a good enough chance to develop properly (I say this as if there was really any hope for me to grow up right). It makes me some sort of half human, with feelings and the ability to write and talk (sort of) and destruct and be evil and compassionate, but without the reasoning, the common sense, needed to take it all in stride.
You probably think I'm high, don't make sense, or am being melodramatic. The first is definitely not true, the second probably true, and the last, why the last is the damn truest thing so far.
I'm not depressed, just frustrated at what an arse I can be. I really hope that you, my dear(s), can distinguish the two.
P.S. I like the word arse.
On a totally unrelated note, I am a total idiot. I really do somehow manage to screw everything up, one way or another. Maybe I'm like a robot or something with a chip in my mind that only programs one thing: self-destruct and take down anyone else with you. I say chip because I really can't imagine that I am actually that retarded, but I know I am, alas there is no chip, just my own stupid, stupid little girl mindset. Sometimes I do wonder if I truly am hopeless, but I know I'm not, not really. I guess I just wonder how much harder do I have to try so things don't go to shit, and do I have it in me to exert more effort. I don't really think it's an issue of me not doing enough, at least that's not the root of any issue of me not doing enough. The root, the reason behind all of this, is substances, I believe. So if I sober up (as if one has a choice when their life crumbles at their own hand), if I stop self-destructing, will things get better? I really doubt they could get much worse.
I feel like I know how everyone sees me. A drunken doll thrown around one to many times. High on internal drama that doesn't have a name and is such a damn mess no one wants to touch it anyway. There is a problem, a major fault with usually putting others before oneself, and that is the fact that one doesn't get a good enough chance to develop properly (I say this as if there was really any hope for me to grow up right). It makes me some sort of half human, with feelings and the ability to write and talk (sort of) and destruct and be evil and compassionate, but without the reasoning, the common sense, needed to take it all in stride.
You probably think I'm high, don't make sense, or am being melodramatic. The first is definitely not true, the second probably true, and the last, why the last is the damn truest thing so far.
I'm not depressed, just frustrated at what an arse I can be. I really hope that you, my dear(s), can distinguish the two.
P.S. I like the word arse.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Goals and Such
-Apply for online programs for next semester or Fall 09.
-Write more structured poetry-- sonnets, sestinas, etc.
-Read poetry at an open mic event sometime in January or so.
-Quit cigarettes by December 1st.
-Be drug free.
-Start jogging/walking every morning by the second week of November.
-Keep up with household chores.
-Work at least 30 hours a week.
-Try to make more friends, or at least be more social, though this goal is always on my list and never gets fulfilled. Try harder, dammit.
-Set up room by this coming Tuesday.
-Be a better girlfriend by being happier, showing love and happiness, and being gracious and very productive.
-Go out by myself more often, for walks, trips for food, going in to work, jogging, whatever.
-Study French at least two hours a week (I'm being easy on myself because I am likely to be pretty busy and I don't want to make myself go crazy or anything).
-Eat healthier.
-Write more structured poetry-- sonnets, sestinas, etc.
-Read poetry at an open mic event sometime in January or so.
-Quit cigarettes by December 1st.
-Be drug free.
-Start jogging/walking every morning by the second week of November.
-Keep up with household chores.
-Work at least 30 hours a week.
-Try to make more friends, or at least be more social, though this goal is always on my list and never gets fulfilled. Try harder, dammit.
-Set up room by this coming Tuesday.
-Be a better girlfriend by being happier, showing love and happiness, and being gracious and very productive.
-Go out by myself more often, for walks, trips for food, going in to work, jogging, whatever.
-Study French at least two hours a week (I'm being easy on myself because I am likely to be pretty busy and I don't want to make myself go crazy or anything).
-Eat healthier.
A Wonderful Day
Today has been wonderful. I feel great, not perfect as there is still a lot of crap in my system, but so much better. It's so awesome to feel again, and especially to realize shit, I do have enough money for rent (though utilities will quite literally leave me broke).
Though it sucks to feel bad feelings, it is worth it to feel love again, and happiness.
I want to come back after dinner and write down some goals, things to do... mind farts that I shouldn't forget.
Though it sucks to feel bad feelings, it is worth it to feel love again, and happiness.
I want to come back after dinner and write down some goals, things to do... mind farts that I shouldn't forget.
Sobriety
So now is the beginning of sobriety for me. Time to stop being an idiot and get healthy and stop ruining wonderful things. My recent behavior has been repulsive, and I deeply apologize to the few who have seen me lately/been effected by me lately/not heard from me lately. I need to get my life back in order, and I will.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Change
You know, I always just assumed that I must have changed a lot since high school. I look at everybody else, and most of them are sooo different, even if it is just physically different. I see people I wouldn't touch for anything in high school have become almost unfairly desirable, and of course people who were hot as hell back then now have like three beer guts and a bad haircut. But what has really changed about me? I mean, I am totally different from when I was 14 or 15, but I was also totally different from that point when I was 16 or 17. So the time I am comparing is 16 and 17 to 20. I have lost some weight, I suppose, or perhaps it just fits a little better on me now. My butt is a bit rounder. I sometimes wear contacts instead of glasses or being blind most of the time, as I did then. Oh! And now I understand how people like George Clooney are sexy. And why guys with money are attractive.
Other than that, I'm not very different. I'm a bit more mature, of course, but only because I have more responsibilities. If I had the same responsibilities and bills then, I would probably fulfill/not fulfill them in the same manner.
The scenery has obviously changed some, and I've adjusted slightly to the change of scenery, but I would have done the same when I was 16 or 17.
Oh! I used to get naked way more back then, in front of other people. And do kinkier things. I was definitely much more of an exhibitionist, and much more fearless and energetic.
Damn, I was hoping this entry would lead to me feeling like I've changed and become a better person, but instead I feel like the opposite is true. I feel like I've grown in the way that I understand more the evils of the world and the fact that sometimes one has to be evil and heartless, as someone I suppose I used to know is so fond of attributing that adjective to me, to get anything done.
I used to write back then, too. Much more than now. And I had dreams and real, solid goals that I just "knew" I would achieve.
I've done nothing but become a less interesting and crueler version of myself, and those dreams have been screwed up by, usually, my own hand, time and time again. I suppose I am different in the sense that I don't run to my room and slam the door and scream "leave me alone mom!" like I did when I was a teen, but I feel like that is due to the change of scenery, not necessarily any significant maturation.
How different, in any/every way, would you say you are to the person you were 3 or 4 years ago?
Other than that, I'm not very different. I'm a bit more mature, of course, but only because I have more responsibilities. If I had the same responsibilities and bills then, I would probably fulfill/not fulfill them in the same manner.
The scenery has obviously changed some, and I've adjusted slightly to the change of scenery, but I would have done the same when I was 16 or 17.
Oh! I used to get naked way more back then, in front of other people. And do kinkier things. I was definitely much more of an exhibitionist, and much more fearless and energetic.
Damn, I was hoping this entry would lead to me feeling like I've changed and become a better person, but instead I feel like the opposite is true. I feel like I've grown in the way that I understand more the evils of the world and the fact that sometimes one has to be evil and heartless, as someone I suppose I used to know is so fond of attributing that adjective to me, to get anything done.
I used to write back then, too. Much more than now. And I had dreams and real, solid goals that I just "knew" I would achieve.
I've done nothing but become a less interesting and crueler version of myself, and those dreams have been screwed up by, usually, my own hand, time and time again. I suppose I am different in the sense that I don't run to my room and slam the door and scream "leave me alone mom!" like I did when I was a teen, but I feel like that is due to the change of scenery, not necessarily any significant maturation.
How different, in any/every way, would you say you are to the person you were 3 or 4 years ago?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Google Search
1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
Ashley needs to keep wearing stuff like this. The more skin she shows, the better she looks.
2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
Ashley looks like a mermaid, a stripper mermaid that is picture published by lovelyrunner4.
3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
ashley does have nice little boobs
4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
Ashley Hates WalMart appears on the album Tales Of Lust And Revenge.
5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:
Ashley Goes For Black on Black
6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
Ashley Tisdale Loves Kissing Zac Efron, What About Vanessa Hudgens?
7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
Ashley eats a spoonful of mustard. So my 14 yo daughter wants her bday present a day early. We decide that to do that...she has to eat something she HATES. A huge spoonful of mustard will do.
8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
Ashley R has herpes.
9: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
"But Ashley wants children. I'll be a great aunt or godmother." "To my child," Ashley interjects
10: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:
I hope that in the future, the Ashley Treatment will be available to all pillow ..... Ashley will have a small body all of her life and this will give her ...
Ashley needs to keep wearing stuff like this. The more skin she shows, the better she looks.
2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
Ashley looks like a mermaid, a stripper mermaid that is picture published by lovelyrunner4.
3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
ashley does have nice little boobs
4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
Ashley Hates WalMart appears on the album Tales Of Lust And Revenge.
5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:
Ashley Goes For Black on Black
6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
Ashley Tisdale Loves Kissing Zac Efron, What About Vanessa Hudgens?
7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
Ashley eats a spoonful of mustard. So my 14 yo daughter wants her bday present a day early. We decide that to do that...she has to eat something she HATES. A huge spoonful of mustard will do.
8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
Ashley R has herpes.
9: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
"But Ashley wants children. I'll be a great aunt or godmother." "To my child," Ashley interjects
10: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:
I hope that in the future, the Ashley Treatment will be available to all pillow ..... Ashley will have a small body all of her life and this will give her ...
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Schedule for Monday
9:30AM-10:00AM: Wake up. Drink coffee.
10:00AM-1:00PM: Work.
1:00PM-2:00PM: Lunch break.
2:00PM-6:00PM: Work.
6:00PM-7:00PM: Relax.
7:00PM-8:30PM: Dinner, clean.
8:30PM-9:30PM: Study French.
9:30PM-whenever: Whatever (hopefully write a poem, stretch, go to bed not too late and clean up my room more or read a little... but probably not any of the above).
One step at a time. I'm slowly easing into scheduling my life so I actually get stuff done. Yay!
P.S. I'm broke, but it's all my own fault.
10:00AM-1:00PM: Work.
1:00PM-2:00PM: Lunch break.
2:00PM-6:00PM: Work.
6:00PM-7:00PM: Relax.
7:00PM-8:30PM: Dinner, clean.
8:30PM-9:30PM: Study French.
9:30PM-whenever: Whatever (hopefully write a poem, stretch, go to bed not too late and clean up my room more or read a little... but probably not any of the above).
One step at a time. I'm slowly easing into scheduling my life so I actually get stuff done. Yay!
P.S. I'm broke, but it's all my own fault.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Ooo Someone Give Me Ideas!
I'm getting my hair cut by my favorite stylist in CT who is simply amazing. My appointment is on November 1st (which also marks 6 months til my 21st birthday-- which people better celebrate with me, because I'm like the last person ever to turn 21 so yeah).
What should I get done? I am not getting any coloring done (I hate having to maintain that-- I'm happy with my black hair... for now). I need a rocking cut idea, so send me pics and links and telegrams (or candygrams, I'm hungry) about what I should do. Keep in mind that my hair is about an inch longer than shoulder length as of now and my hair is insanely thick and wavy in a random way (not a pretty way... sad face). And I'm not going to go shorter than past the ears with the cut... no way. I don't really want anything shorter than like slightly above chin length. And should my bangs make a come back? I need advice!
The last haircut I got from said stylist was the one seen in the photo in this post. I liked it, but I had to straighten it like every day... which isn't too bad, it just means I need to go out and buy a new flat iron since mine randomly broke.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Cease Fire
Things with Chris are finally over. I finally feel like I can throw away anything that reminds me of him without a tear. Perhaps it was sitting in a police station that woke me up. I am not one to trash talk, but it seems funny that he thinks himself an angel when I remember clearly the violence and the threats that are still continuing. He doesn't want me to go to the village anymore with Nathan, or he threats violence. We aren't in gangs, and we aren't having turf wars, so I laugh. Just like I laughed through the punches and the lost scholarships and the pillow-near-death-suffocation and the threats of death and beating and animal instincts.
I feel so, so much better.
Elliott Smith feels healing, like once before, and everyone may think I am heartless or a bitch but I know the truth. You have to be a heartless bitch sometimes in life to get anywhere, and that's the truth. And I can assure you, you don't know the whole story or the missed school or work days nursing wounds or any of it. And yes, I know it shouldn't have taken me almost 4 years to leave, but live and learn.
No more drama! That's my hope.
I feel so, so much better.
Elliott Smith feels healing, like once before, and everyone may think I am heartless or a bitch but I know the truth. You have to be a heartless bitch sometimes in life to get anywhere, and that's the truth. And I can assure you, you don't know the whole story or the missed school or work days nursing wounds or any of it. And yes, I know it shouldn't have taken me almost 4 years to leave, but live and learn.
No more drama! That's my hope.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Alone Again, Or
I'm pretty sure I don't actually have any real live friends anymore.
This breakup has killed me, more or less. I come out looking the demon, the whore, the cunt.
People don't ask for my side.
People really don't care.
And that's fine, that's cool; I can figure shit out alone, as I have time and time again. But it sure is sad.
I truly have never felt more alone.
I'm not trying to be overly emo. I'm just completely lost and in need of platonic guidance/comfort. A glass of wine and cheap dinner. Jays and 40s or fuzzy blankets and dancing, I care not.
This breakup has killed me, more or less. I come out looking the demon, the whore, the cunt.
People don't ask for my side.
People really don't care.
And that's fine, that's cool; I can figure shit out alone, as I have time and time again. But it sure is sad.
I truly have never felt more alone.
I'm not trying to be overly emo. I'm just completely lost and in need of platonic guidance/comfort. A glass of wine and cheap dinner. Jays and 40s or fuzzy blankets and dancing, I care not.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Back to Work
So, I just found out that withdrawing from classes for the semester means I need to reapply to Hunter when I want to go back. Problem is, I'm not sure I want to go back to Hunter. I want to get a degree, but Hunter is... meh. I don't know. I need to stop transferring.
I don't even know what I want to major in, or do in life. Not a clue. It's not that I don't have motivation-- I've studied each of the 100 things I've majored in thus far with great passion.
So Sunday Nathan and I visited my Mom for her birthday. It was so nice to see my family and to see Connecticut in October. I used to hate New England. I used to hate October, a lot. I find myself changing... a lot.
My family absolutely adored Nathan, which was nice. Each family member individually commented that they have not seen me so happy in a long, long time.
So in this time off, I want to become as close to fluent in French as possible. I miss French. I find myself thinking in French often, so I might as well think in French with correct grammar.
I don't even know what I want to major in, or do in life. Not a clue. It's not that I don't have motivation-- I've studied each of the 100 things I've majored in thus far with great passion.
So Sunday Nathan and I visited my Mom for her birthday. It was so nice to see my family and to see Connecticut in October. I used to hate New England. I used to hate October, a lot. I find myself changing... a lot.
My family absolutely adored Nathan, which was nice. Each family member individually commented that they have not seen me so happy in a long, long time.
So in this time off, I want to become as close to fluent in French as possible. I miss French. I find myself thinking in French often, so I might as well think in French with correct grammar.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Note to Self
Why I Want to Go Back to College:
-To make more $$$$
-To feel better about myself (I know I won't truly and completely respect myself unless I do get a degree).
-To grow up.
-To learn more.
-To be happiest (I am happiest when going to school when I am prepared to go to school).
I need to set a time limit for time off...
I'm thinking 1-2 semesters off, that's it. 2 semesters is the limit. I have to be back in school, even if part-time (though I want to shoot for full-time, at least 12 credits), by Fall 2009.
-To make more $$$$
-To feel better about myself (I know I won't truly and completely respect myself unless I do get a degree).
-To grow up.
-To learn more.
-To be happiest (I am happiest when going to school when I am prepared to go to school).
I need to set a time limit for time off...
I'm thinking 1-2 semesters off, that's it. 2 semesters is the limit. I have to be back in school, even if part-time (though I want to shoot for full-time, at least 12 credits), by Fall 2009.
A Discovery
French surrealist poets are incredible.
Paul Eluard and Andre Breton just poisoned my mind with romance, dreams, and impending disappointment.
I want to become fluent in French, and other languages after that, of course. I want to learn, but I want to teach myself. I do not like school. Perhaps because I have almost always been forced to be my own source of motivation, perhaps that is why I hate school but love teaching myself things.
When I last took a semester off, I taught myself accounting, pre-calculus, and read an obscene amount of literary classics. I tried to teach myself Mandarin Chinese, but that was a little too difficult. I spent at least 5 days a week studying by my own accord.
The problem is that I do wish to hold a college degree. I do. I do see how it is necessary, and important, and desirable, but I can't mesh with it. My GPA will go from below a 1 to a 4.0 from semester to semester depending on how I agree with things. It is always either below a 1 or above a 3.7, never in between. I don't think I'm ready for college. I don't think I am. I think there are things I want to learn, right now, that I must learn now or fail to be happy and satisfied. Those things, however, I want to teach myself. I am not even sure what I want to do in life, really. I know I want to do something, but I don't know what yet and I'm tired of switching majors and wasting money because I am young and immature in my own ways.
I want to escape the feeling of always, somehow, being a failure.
I didn't feel like a failure when I took a semester off and worked my ass off and taught myself what I wanted to learn.
I think I like learning one thing at a time, but very quickly. That is something that is hard to establish in a public higher education setting.
I wish I could just teach myself something for 4 years, take a test, ace it, and thus have a degree. Like a GED type of thing, but for post-secondary education.
Paul Eluard and Andre Breton just poisoned my mind with romance, dreams, and impending disappointment.
I want to become fluent in French, and other languages after that, of course. I want to learn, but I want to teach myself. I do not like school. Perhaps because I have almost always been forced to be my own source of motivation, perhaps that is why I hate school but love teaching myself things.
When I last took a semester off, I taught myself accounting, pre-calculus, and read an obscene amount of literary classics. I tried to teach myself Mandarin Chinese, but that was a little too difficult. I spent at least 5 days a week studying by my own accord.
The problem is that I do wish to hold a college degree. I do. I do see how it is necessary, and important, and desirable, but I can't mesh with it. My GPA will go from below a 1 to a 4.0 from semester to semester depending on how I agree with things. It is always either below a 1 or above a 3.7, never in between. I don't think I'm ready for college. I don't think I am. I think there are things I want to learn, right now, that I must learn now or fail to be happy and satisfied. Those things, however, I want to teach myself. I am not even sure what I want to do in life, really. I know I want to do something, but I don't know what yet and I'm tired of switching majors and wasting money because I am young and immature in my own ways.
I want to escape the feeling of always, somehow, being a failure.
I didn't feel like a failure when I took a semester off and worked my ass off and taught myself what I wanted to learn.
I think I like learning one thing at a time, but very quickly. That is something that is hard to establish in a public higher education setting.
I wish I could just teach myself something for 4 years, take a test, ace it, and thus have a degree. Like a GED type of thing, but for post-secondary education.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Drop-Out
So I'm thinking about dropping out of this semester. I am already only taking 2 classes. I need more time to work, and I need time to work on myself. I am not in a very good mental state these days.
Especially since my ex-boyfriend is an evil cocksucker.
I'm not even going to go into that here. All I know is I officially hate my first person. I wouldn't mind pushing him off a cliff, and I have good reason to.
I need to get better. I need to be happier. And I need to be less stressed/anxious.
Especially since my ex-boyfriend is an evil cocksucker.
I'm not even going to go into that here. All I know is I officially hate my first person. I wouldn't mind pushing him off a cliff, and I have good reason to.
I need to get better. I need to be happier. And I need to be less stressed/anxious.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Update
So my great grandmother is in the hospital... not fun. I really hope she's alright and gets better.
I think I'm going to get my hair cut into something cute and short tomorrow on the UES. Yay. I hope it looks alright.
I am going to get a body piercing either tomorrow or Saturday I think. I don't know what I want yet-- my ears aren't even pierced. I've always wanted my tongue pierced, but I don't know if I really want it pierced... I have bad teeth and I don't like drawing attention to my mouth. I definitely don't want my eyebrow, nipple, no-no area, or lip pierced. So that leaves tongue, belly button (which I do want but I saw it done live on Oprah once when I was a kid and eating Spaghetti-Os and life has never quite been the same), nose (which I think may make me look too witchy because of my narrow yet sorta pointy nose), or just chicken out and get an ear piercing or two.
Any recommendations? Keep in mind that I am a big, big chicken. Last time I got my ears pierced I was in high school but I still cried and grabbed the teddy bear they keep in the piercing booth for toddlers. Yeah.
I really want another tattoo... I want to get one on my hip bone but I can't think of anything worthy of being inked. Like the other tattoo I got was something that I wanted since the 4th grade. I want my tattoos to be ultra meaningful.
I also have another ribbon on my tattoo that is blank and can be filled in with something, but I don't know what I want that to be either.
So yeah, in other news break ups are weird. Chris and I were trying to be friends, but I was all like I want to keep my distance, and then he convinced me we could actually be good friends, then the next day he like unfriended me from everything and whatnot without explanation. I don't need to deal with his instability anymore, so I'm not, I'm moving on. Whatever.
Things with Nathan are absolutely wonderful. I really feel like I have found my soulmate. I have never been happier. Everything we do together is powerful and amazing. Living together is really natural, but not boring. We just click in a really beautiful way and we bring the best out in each other. Yay!
I have been itching to travel more than ever lately. I want to see all the cities on the Rockstar drinks... Amsterdam especially. And Paris, Rome, Barcelona, Cairo, Brazil, Honolulu (again), San Francisco, Tokyo, Montreal, Mexico...
And I want to visit friends, so much. I want to travel and see everyone that I cut out of my life to some extent. I want to apologize. I want to work on being a whole person again.
I deleted most of my information from my Facebook because I do not really know what my favorite music or activities or movies are. I am not sure. There are many, many things I can't listen or see or do these days without feeling a great deal of pain. I am finding new things. I am learning new things. I like learning.
Speaking of learning, I have a paper due in like 2 hours that I haven't started, nor have I read the book or researched the material needed to start said paper. Hmm.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I Have Come to Realize...
1. I have come to realize that my butt:
Isn't much to look at, but it could be worse.
2. I have come to realize that when I talk:
People either don't hear me, don't understand me, or don't get me.
3. I have come to realize that, if I love someone:
I should try to make things healthy so love can grow.
4. I have come to realize that, I need:
Motivation.
5. I have come to realize that, I lost:
A lot of my childhood/teenage years.
6. I have come to realize that, I hate it when:
I try hard and fail.
7. I have come to realize that, if Im drunk:
I'm probably trying to escape something.
8. I have come to realize that, marriage:
May not be so terrible.
9. I have come to realize that, work:
Is something I must get used to.
10. I have come to realize that, I will always be:
"Weird".
11. I have come to realize that, I like:
Stability.
12. I have come to realize that, the last time I cried was:
Over missing the past, but not quite wanting it back, because I know it isn't possible.
13. I have come to realize that, my cell phone is:
Definitely refurbished.
14. I have come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:
I need coffee.
15. I have come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night:
I should wash my face-- well.
16. I have come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
A lump in my heart that is pure self dissatisfaction.
Isn't much to look at, but it could be worse.
2. I have come to realize that when I talk:
People either don't hear me, don't understand me, or don't get me.
3. I have come to realize that, if I love someone:
I should try to make things healthy so love can grow.
4. I have come to realize that, I need:
Motivation.
5. I have come to realize that, I lost:
A lot of my childhood/teenage years.
6. I have come to realize that, I hate it when:
I try hard and fail.
7. I have come to realize that, if Im drunk:
I'm probably trying to escape something.
8. I have come to realize that, marriage:
May not be so terrible.
9. I have come to realize that, work:
Is something I must get used to.
10. I have come to realize that, I will always be:
"Weird".
11. I have come to realize that, I like:
Stability.
12. I have come to realize that, the last time I cried was:
Over missing the past, but not quite wanting it back, because I know it isn't possible.
13. I have come to realize that, my cell phone is:
Definitely refurbished.
14. I have come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:
I need coffee.
15. I have come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night:
I should wash my face-- well.
16. I have come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
A lump in my heart that is pure self dissatisfaction.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Confessional
When I was a little girl, I thought Freddie Mercury was the most attractive man alive. Something about him was so beautiful, and I felt very attracted to him.
Is that weird?
Is that weird?
Memories at 4:40AM
One time I went and saw the Darjeeling Limited in Union Square with Chris and it turned horribly bad after a random fight of sorts in Forever 21 and he left me in Manhattan and went back to Astoria. I was sad and crying and frantically calling his cell to find him but my cell was dead so I used subway payphones. I was crying and all dressed up and this extraordinarily gentle gay man approached me. He was pure Andy Warhol, everything. He wanted to take my photograph for a book he was putting together of people in NYC. He was so nice, and just... exactly like Andy Warhol. I was quiet and mesmerized and glad to be his muse for just a minute. He had me write my email address in a small artsy notebook and promised to email the photo ASAP. Well, he did, that same night. I look at that photograph and I see stick legs holding up a strong woman. Introspective yet observant. I can almost sort of make out dried up tears on my checks that slightly streaked my makeup perhaps, at least to a perfectionist by disorder.
It is, in many respects, one of my favorite photographs of myself.
Silly Little Things
It's funny how silly things, even ones that you know to be full of BS, can be so entertaining. Like online quizzes or things that generate your Name In a Past Life or something. Magic 8 balls. Fortune Cookies. There's something about it that triggers this innate sense of sentimentality... like it's Santa Claus all over again. Like I know it's not real, it's empty, meaningless, mindless, but there is just a certain peaceful, insightful beauty about lying to yourself and believing for a second, or more.
In a past life, BlogThings says I was a "Peaceful Chief".
How 'bout that?
In a past life, BlogThings says I was a "Peaceful Chief".
How 'bout that?
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Redefining Myself
Hello all,
This blog is geared to the new and to rediscovering myself and starting over. It will act as a sort of personal journal, a vice, and a therapist all at once. It will be undeniably cheesy and self-involved, overly introspective, and quite random at times. The whims will meet the facts and they will often come to nothing but be mulled over nonetheless. I am a clean slate, and this blog will document the crap that I decide to color myself with, whether they be silly trends or life altering decisions. This is my personal space, meant to share my thoughts and times and inner conflicts with those who feel like caring or pretending to care, i.e. true friends, if there are such a thing. Read, ignore, abandon, worship, what have you, but I will not water anything down.
"I've stopped my dreaming,
I won't do too much scheming
These days, these days.
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten.
Please don't confront me with my failures,
I had not forgotten them"
-Nico, These Days
And yes, I will be overly emotional, emo at times perhaps, and all together annoying, so leave now while you can get out alive muahaha.
This blog is geared to the new and to rediscovering myself and starting over. It will act as a sort of personal journal, a vice, and a therapist all at once. It will be undeniably cheesy and self-involved, overly introspective, and quite random at times. The whims will meet the facts and they will often come to nothing but be mulled over nonetheless. I am a clean slate, and this blog will document the crap that I decide to color myself with, whether they be silly trends or life altering decisions. This is my personal space, meant to share my thoughts and times and inner conflicts with those who feel like caring or pretending to care, i.e. true friends, if there are such a thing. Read, ignore, abandon, worship, what have you, but I will not water anything down.
"I've stopped my dreaming,
I won't do too much scheming
These days, these days.
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten.
Please don't confront me with my failures,
I had not forgotten them"
-Nico, These Days
And yes, I will be overly emotional, emo at times perhaps, and all together annoying, so leave now while you can get out alive muahaha.
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